I’m Just Happy To Be Here

“Stone Cold” Marvin Lewis was stoic as usual during the formal introduction of Laveranues Coles as a Bengal.  If the writing isn’t on the wall then Marv’s face at least paints the picture and I think he knows as well as we do that it ain’t looking rosey.

That is the face of a beaten man.

Bengals Musings

Very much contradictory to my half-drunken predictions, the Bengals have resigned Cedric Benson to go along with Lavernezilli Coles signing in what are now the marquee moves for Cincinnati this offseason. All must be right in the Bengal Nation.  Bengal-mania is back!  WHO DEY!

Well, probably not, but I like to look at the bandwagon as having a revolving door to fit my needs.

-Hanoi Hobson’s old school spin.

Not quite sure how I missed this one last week but my current level of excitement cannot be contained so much that I have been trolling Bengals.com all morning and looking specifically at the wide receiver situation.  On February 23, Hanoi had this to say about Jerry Simpson:

“I know a lot of people inside and outside the Bengals fear Simpson is a bust but, to his great credit, Lewis has always backed Simpson to the hilt. So much so that Lewis seemed to be coaxing Palmer to get more in Simpson’s camp.

All I know is this: In 20 preseason and regular-season games last year, only one wide receiver actually made a downfield catch longer than 40 yards, and it was Simpson. Forget it was the preseason and it was a throwaway launched by and into a bunch of second-half backups. The kid jumped up and made a play, and that exactly hasn’t been happening around here.”

Yeah, please forget that 40+ yard catch was in the American Legion’s annual Celebrity Flag Football Game For The Cure and Jerry was being hilariously covered by local “celeb” Nick Lachey in the short-nonathletic-white-dude-competes-against-large-athletic-black-man irony that the average American loves.  Simpson (“Largest WR hands at the 2008 NFL Combine!”) had 1 reception for 2 yards the entire season.  True story.

I think Brett Favre had that in his first completion with Green Bay and last I heard he wasn’t a wide receiver nor was he coming out of retirement (yet).

-Bengals fans are collectively retarded. — My apologies to the retarded, being compared to a Bengals fan really paints those folks in a bad light.

Today’s fan poll on Bengals.com begs the question, “What do you think of the Laveranues Coles signing?” and 71% went with “Great move – now we have a deep corps  of receivers (Ed.’s Note: Citation needed.)“.  23.9% said, “It’s OK — doesn’t wow me either way (Ed.’s Note: That’s what she said.)” while 5.9% decided that it was a “Bad move — he’s no TJ”.

Let me preface my belligerent ramblings by saying I have no problems with Laveranues Coles and I actually didn’t mind the signing overall.  He seems like a class act, something that has been a rarity in recent history, and 4 of the last 5 seasons he has somehow found a way on to my fantasy team, with me having no recollection of actually drafting him or picking him up from the waiver wire, and performed sufficiently. (I will also add to the preface that a fourth choice of “It is a decent signing but the offensive line is still shitty” is a conspicuously absent option from the fan poll.)

However, the 71% of fans that are overly enthusiastic about the signing of Coles are indicative of a fan base that goes through life looking through orange-colored lenses and it really chaps my ass.  These are the same delusional human beings that buy in to the “Bengals finished strong” argument because the team went 4-3-1 in the last 8 games despite the fact the 4 wins were against divisional bottom-feeders with a combined .297 winning percentage.

I witnessed this problem up close in training camp last summer.  The exact same fans would show up every day covered in Bengals schwag from head to toe, begging for autographs from players half their age as if proving their blind, undying loyalty makes them better people than their unemployed reality portrays.  These are the same mongrels that show up every Sunday to Paul Brown Stadium, rain or shine, and plop their fat asses in uncomfortable chairs with their overpriced cheese coneys and $9 beers, helping to ensure that Mike Brown will have to change very little to continue making his millions.

-Please, please, PLEASE don’t use high draft picks on a running back or wide receiver.

Especially not after drafting three wide receivers last year (Simpson/Caldwell/Urrutia) and signing another one as a college free agent (Maurice Purify).  Benson and company in the backfield plus any combination of Ocho Cinco/Coles/Henry/Simpson/Your Mom may not be the best offense in the league, but the Bengals have far more pressing issues at this point than the skill positions.

Mr. Hobson initially agrees that the Benson/Coles signings will free up the draft for Cincinnati but quickly returns to usual form by claiming that wide receiver Michael Crabtree is still an option, especially now that Seattle has addressed their needs with Houshmazoad:

“The Bengals have plenty of needs, but they don’t have a gaping hole that they must fill with the No. 6 or No. 38 picks. Particularly at No. 6, where they can now take anything, and that includes Texas Tech wide receiver Michael Crabtree if he slips because of his foot stress fracture. But, if someone wants to jump and get Crabtree, now the Bengals have the luxury of trading down if they want to talk turkey at No. 6.

(Seattle, picking at No. 4, is presumably out of the receiver sweepstakes now that Houshmandzadeh is in the fold.)”

Heh, he said ‘gaping hole’. But seriously, the Bengals have needs and I know of one gaping hole in particular and it is wherever Eric Ghiaciuc lines up (or doesn’t if he doesn’t resign).

If the Bengals spend the #6 overall selection on a guy with a bum leg when they now have 8 wide receivers to take to training camp (plus any invitees), and with former Bengals Tab Perry and Kelley Washington still on the market, I may just turn to illicit drug use to ease the pain — otherwise known as “Weekday Mornings” in my household.

What We’ve Learned About The Bengals (So Far) From Free Agency

See the lifeboats in the lower left?  Yeah, that’s Stacy Andrews and TJ Housyourmamma getting the hell out of town and  don’t be surprised if Cedric Benson is soon to follow.  But what does this mean and what have we truly learned about the Bengals during the free agency period thus far?

-The Bengals were never legitimately in the mix for Housh.

Call me crazy but I am a broke college student and I don’t think I’d take a guaranteed contract to play for the Bengals; this franchise is a joke. Don’t get me wrong, I fully support the endeavors of Who Dey Revolution, but we’re a fan base that has resorted to sneaking in urinal cakes to Paul Brown Stadium documenting Mike Brown’s inferiority.

Carson’s constant phone calls tugging at the proverbial heartstrings of TJ only delayed the decision.  Seattle is a (marginally) better team in a weaker division offering more money to bring TJ closer to home.  Book it.  Done.

-Cedric Benson may soon follow.

You better get used to a 2009 edition of the Bengals lacking any offensive line depth along with playing sans our top receiver and (possibly) top running back from 2008.  Although Cedric Benson has taken enough police beatings to lack cognitive thought, he somehow still had the presence of mind to know that the Bengals are on a one way trip to Hell when he spoke with The Houston Chronicle:

“There’s a lot of things like staying home, and the business side of it here might be better than it is in Cincinnati,” he said. “Also, winning a Super Bowl. I had an opportunity to go (with Chicago), and I want to get back and win one.”

Ah yes, the hometown comes-a-calling excuse once more.  And the Bengals business side is shitty. Oh, and he’ll never win a Super Bowl in Cincinnati, either.

This guy was selling steaks out of a rapist van to cover court costs at the start of last season before signing with Cincy; but now, after less than one year with the Bengals, Ced would rather take a backup role to Steve Slaton in Houston than start for our loveable losers.

-Other teams’ free agents use the Bengals to catch a free flight through the Mid-west.

Giants’ free agent running back Derrick Ward visited Cincinnati over the weekend — a move that likely only further drove the wedge between Benson and the Bengals — only to sign with Buccaneers a day later.  I doubt Ward was ever seriously considering Cincinnati despite what Hanoi Hobson on Bengals.com would have you believe.

Instead of signing with the Bengals I picture Ward’s agent, Drew Rosenhaus, with his feet up on Mike Brown’s desk finalizing the details of the deal with Tampa Bay while Mike Brown “wined-and-dined” Ward with a Skyline 3-way and a Big Gulp.

You’d think the rest of the league would catch on to the fact that Bengals will likely sign NOBODY, but it seems clear free agents are still content ‘taking a visit’ to try to improve their market value before bolting for higher ground.

-The Brown Family is asleep at the wheel.

The Bengals have resigned just three crucial pieces to the Bengals’ “success” last year:  Chris “Leave Britney alone!” Crocker, DeDe Dorsey, and Darryl Blackstock.  They let Stacy Andrews walk — the guy they sent Willie Anderson packing for with nothing in return, and Stacy only had a 1 year deal at the time — and they have yet to sign a center or improve the depth on either side of the trenches.

But by God, they’ve franchised a kicker.

Haynesworth Signs $100M Deal, Dark Days Loom For Bengals

Albert Haynesworth signed with the Washington Redskins today for a reported 7 years, $100 million which, with incentives, can be as high as $115 million. This marks the first time a non-quarterback has reached a contract worth over the $100 million mark.

No strange territory for the Redskins. They try to buy a championship every year by trading draft picks away and signing high-priced free agents. As always kids, the lesson is:

Stomp a man in the head without a helmet on in the middle of an NFL game and get rich bitch!

But dark days looming for Bengals you ask? Well the move by the Redskins adding such immense payroll clearly indicates a feeling amongst Dan Snyder & Co. that the current Collective Bargaining Agreement (aka salary cap) that expires after 2009 ,will go the way of the dinosaur.

If the CBA were to expire and no salary cap reinstated, billionaires like Snyder and Dallas’ Jerry Jones could turn the NFL into Yankees/RedSox 2.0. This is bad news for penny pinchers like Mike Brown who use their “Franchise Tag” for a kicker.

With the track record of the Bengals’ drafts looking more like inept baseball franchises like the Reds and Royals, not low-budget winners like the Rays and As, the Bengals could be in for another 20 years of losing.

As always, my condolences Carson.

— Charlie Hustle

The Return Of The Squirrel?

The dancin’ machine known as Kelley Washington — famous for “The Squirrel” — may be making a return to Cincinnati, the place where his smooth moves all began back in 2003.  Washington, a free agent, and his representative Chad Speck have reached out to Bengals Management at the NFL Combine and the interest is apparently mutual yet not expressed.

“There is a mutual interest but there hasn’t been any talk about a visit or anything like that. We’ll be talking,” said Speck, a popular man since he’s also the agent for the top player on the free-agent market in Titans defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth.

Oh, wow, wouldn’t it be nice if the Three Stooges (Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, & Troy Blackburn) were linked with Speck for a guy like, oh say, ALBERT HAYNESWORTH instead of a guy who has caught one pass for three yards in two years with the New England Patriots? Don’t get me wrong, I think Washington is an entertaining character and he had some mild success in spot play and excelled on special teams when he was in Cincinnati, but when will the Bengals land an exciting free agent without botching the contract terms? (*ahem* Shuan Rogers)

Unfortunately for Bengals’ Fans the wide receiver position quickly became a weakness (please don’t use a first round pick, please don’t use a first round pick) when Bengals Management used the Franchise Tag on a kicker and Drew Rosenhaus began pimping out Ocho Cinco like a top call girl.  Jerry Simpson (“Biggest hands in the Combine!”) has been useless and Chris Henry is soft so I understand where concern could blossom but Palmer won’t have to worry about who is on the other end of those receiving routes if he’s on his back more times each game than Pam Anderson on a Motley Crue tour bus.

Heyooo!  I’ll be here all night, folks — don’t forget to tip your bartenders.

♣ Linkage: Bengals.com

Bengals Choose Graham Over Janitor For Franchise Tag

After weeks of speculation the Captain of the Titanic Bengals’ management did what we all long feared on Monday:  used the Franchise Tag on “Sugar” Shayne Graham.  What’s worse is everybody expected it.  John Thorton called it on his blog.  The geniuses over at WhoDey Revolution have been speculating this move for weeks.  Yet none of it prepared me for the stinging pain that shot through my head (Ed. Note: Could’ve been the hangover.) when I heard that Cincy had officially tagged a kicker.

Sure Shayne is great for the community and “Hanoi” Hobson’s spin zone seems to lean on his philanthropy as a valid reason to keep Graham around.  By all means don’t allow me to rain on anybody’s parade — Kicks for Kids is a GREAT campaign (ahem: started by Kentucky alum Doug Pelfrey) — but if we’re giving out top five salaries because of a little charity work I’ll have you know I recently donated hefty sums of money to a worthwhile college fund for some stripper’s kids.

Tagging a kicker isn’t unprecedented.  The Broncos have tagged Jason Elam in the past and the Seahawks have done the same to Josh Brown.  Shayne-o-Mac isn’t even the lone kicker tagged this year in a group that includes punter Michael Koenen out of Atlanta and Jason Hanson out of Detroit (0-16, solid company).  I also would care a little bit less if Graham was our lone high profile free agent this year, but he’s not and the Bengals also aren’t a few field goals away from being a contender.

Cincy has holes on both lines and has the best possession/third down wide receiver in the NFL today sitting on the cusp of free agency and they tag a kicker.  Even if Housh wants no part of coming back to Cincy and the Bengals’ feeling is mutual, tag him and decline to match an offer so the team receives first round draft picks in the 2009 AND 2010 drafts.

After locking up their kicker for at least another year — even though they can’t get INTO field goal range to begin with — “Hanoi” Hobson claims the Bengals will “jump in to the fray” for TJ once free agency begins but I can only imagine they’ll offer about as much money as I’d be offered as a male prostitute.  Then again, what do I know?

Clearly not as much as this widely successful managerial staff…

♣ Linkage: Bengals.com

The Bengals Finished “Strong”

Charlie Hustle and I started referring to Bengals’ website propaganda puppet Geoff Hobson, pictured (dramatization), as “Hanoi Hobson” a long ways back due to his seemingly sympathizing ways towards the Brown Family communist regime, efforts that would make Jane Fonda proud.  I understand it must be hard writing about a team as perpetually bad as the Bengals but sometimes Hanoi paints the picture so rosey I even begin to believe that Cincinnati has two Super Bowls in four years instead of Shitsburgh.

The offseason plays out no differently:

“…Which pretty much summed up many of Fitzpatrick’s 12 starts in place of the injured Carson Palmer. Just not enough firepower from anyone. But he did lead his team to a 4-3-1 finish and he did play Brett Favre to a virtual stat standstill.”

Ah yes, that undeniably impressive 4-3-1 finish with the four wins coming against teams that finished the season a combined 19-45 (.297) and all placed last in their respective divisions.  Granted the Eagles went on to play in the NFC Championship game but they do that every year and suggesting that tie is a bright spot on the season is like the guy pictured above suggesting his celibacy is a choice.  Philly was in disarray at the time and the game was simply atrocious all around.  And what the hell is “a virtual stat standstill” anyway?  We’re left to brag about draws against washed up gunslingers?

My head hurts.

I’m sure there’s more, such as referring to Fitzpatrick’s quarterback-sneaks-where-he-forgets-to-slide as “classic, quick thinking plays”, but there isn’t enough alcohol in the house today to ease the pain.

♣ Linkage: Bengals.com

Destiny’s Cardinals

As children we were taught from birth that the Arizona Cardinals were just like the Chicago Cubs when it came to futility.

Ironic that I mention that because the Cardinals, if you don’t know your history, originated in Chicago back in 1898 and is the oldest-operated professional football franchise in the United States, ahead of the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears.

For 61 years, the Cardinals have gone through three cities and came up short in earning football glory in each of those towns.

That is, until Sunday afternoon, when in front of a packed house at the University of Phoenix Stadium, the Cardinals shocked the world and defeated the Philadelphia Eagles 32-25 to earn the franchise’s first Super Bowl berth in over 80 years of membership in the NFL behind the arm of Kurt Warner, who punched his ticket to Canton with the game-winning drive after squandering a big lead in the early moments of the fourth quarter.

For so long this team has been a poster child for futility in the NFL, going through numerous draft busts in St. Louis,  and public squabbles over new stadiums that could generate revenue for the Cardinals so that days like these could come in the Valley of the Sun.

Finally that day has come for the Cardinals and the Bidwills, for the Cardinal players, and most importantly, the legion of fans who have followed this team through the dark days.

Hopefully, two weeks from now in Tampa, Bill Bidwill can wear his famous bow tie on the podium and hoist a long-awaited Lombardi Trophy, doing away with the cursed history of the Cardinals and transforming Arizona into something we thought they would never become in our lifetimes.

Champions.

Da Bears Bite Da Dust

I find it difficult to listen to AM670 The Score after a Bears game.  I don’t know why I tune my radio in, but I do and it drives me friggin crazy.  Sunday was no exception.

I’m sitting at a buddy’s house watching the Bears jump out to a quick  10-0 lead against the already eliminated Texans.  We have the computer tuned into the Viqueens and Oakland games to find out that the Giants played their starters and are involved in a close game against the ‘Queens and Oakland jumped out to an early lead against Tampa Bay.  All seems to be going as planned in Chicago.

Then the disaster which is the Bears strikes deep into the hearts of Chicago fans.  A swiss cheese defensive secondary, an inadequate defensive line, a fumbled kickoff return, and a quarterback who can’t throw the ball accurately downfield to a receiving corp among the worst in professional football.  This all leads to the mediocre Texans crushing the Bears in a game which looks close in the score column, but wasn’t at all close.

Where can I begin?

First of all, there is no difference between Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton.  They both suck, plain and simple.  Orton turns the ball over less, so his pathetic quarterback play often gets overlooked.  He isn’t “improving week by week” as some analysits like to claim.  He has reached his pinnacle and it is pathetic.

Next, it doesn’t much matter who we have throwing the ball because our receivers all suck.  Hester is not a number one type of receiver.  He is more like a Santonio Holmes type of speed receiver who can get downfield, run a few reverses, and make a big play happen.  The Bears need a guy like Hines Ward (sticking with the Pittsburgh analogy) to pick up first downs.

Now on to the defense.  The defense is the most pathetic aspect of the Bears team.  While they aren’t necessarily as bad as the offense, they have much more talent so more is expected.  Their secondary sucks.  Their defensive line gets no pressure.  Their linebackers (Brian Urlacher in particular) are playing nowhere near what they are getting paid.  They lead the league in take-a-ways, but that is because they only go for the strip so they also lead the league in failed tackles and yards given up after initial contact.   The Bears defense makes every quarterback look like a fucking Hall of Famer for Christ’s sake.  The total combined numbers for quarterbacks in the Bears final 6 loses have been:

156/229      1762 total yards      10 touchdowns

…The Bears defense combined for 3 total sacks in these 6 loses.

Finally, the coaching staff is terrible.  The Bears are one of the most unimaginative teams in football.  There is a quote that goes “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.”  This sums up what my thoughts are of the Bears coaching motto.  They do the same boring crap over and over again on offense.  Their defense doesn’t blitz or get any pressure on the quarterback.  Their are never any defensive line stunts.  The offense hardly ever runs outside the hashmarks.  There are never any trick plays.  They never throw the ball to wide receivers, only tight ends and running backs.  The coaching staff has turned the Bears into the most uninspired, boring, most predictable teams in the NFL.

To top it all off, the Eagles ended up winning so all the Bears had to do was win their game.  The two underdog teams (Philly and Oakland) pulled out victories (Oakland didn’t even have anything to play for), and the Bears laid a fucking egg.

Word of the week:  Disappointing

Futility In The Motor City

As thrilling (and yet upsetting) it was to see the New England Patriots run the table in the regular season in 2007, a year later a similar quest for perfection, whether you like it or not, is going to happen in a couple of weeks.

The Detroit Lions, sitting at 0-14, could be without question the first team since the woebegone Tampa Bay Buccaneers of the 1970’s to lose all of their games should they lose their last two against New Orleans at home Sunday and Green Bay on the road at Lambeau Field the following week.

Of course, over the last two weeks the Lions played with signs of life against Minnesota, a game in which they actually held the lead and seemed primed to get their first win of the season, and put up a good fight against Indianapolis until Peyton Manning threw arrow after arrow into the hearts of Lions fans around Michigan, causing them to see their team fall to 0-14 and become the second team in NFL history to lose their first 14 games of the season.

Lions great Barry Sanders never got a chance to play in a Super Bowl. Hell, name one Lion to play in a Super Bowl while in Detroit and you might get looked at real funny.

As the auto industry hits a snag in Detroit, with Chrysler shutting down its plants until January 19th at the latest, the Lions’ futility is another headache for the Motor City.

In case you don’t know, the Lions are owned by the Ford family, who I’m pretty sure is believing that for the last 40-plus years their franchise has been nothing more than a total hobby, a hobby that has hit rock-bottom the same way as their precious automobile company that bears the same name.

While I for one don’t know any of the Fords (sorry, knowing the Ford family of Memphis doesn’t count), I can safely say that with this celebration of futility in Detroit, it has been a long time coming.

And with two more games and half the country watching, come December 28th in Green Bay a news alert will pop up and tag the Detroit Lions as the first team to ever finish 0-16.

I wonder if 40 years from now will those players pop champagne like the 1972 Miami Dolphins?

Maybe not.

Charlie Hustle’s Bengals Quotes Of The Day

Ed.’s Note: This is what takes place in the head of the legendary Charlie Hustle…

“Cedric Benson…running with all the passion of a crack addict.”

“The Bengals are tackling Dominic Rhodes like he has AIDS.”

Updates:

“Even back in the Jeff Blake days it was exciting because of the bomb to Pickens or Darnay Scott.  Fitzy Kirkpatrick shits his pants if he has to throw it more than 20 yards.”

Ed.’s Note #2: I am sure there will be more to come throughout today…

OJ Headlines

With Orenthal J. Simpson apparently forced to see the inside of a prison cell for at least the next nine years, I have been contemplating hilariously lame and pathetic newspaper headlines for tomorrow morning’s inevitable articles:

“What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas”

“The Juice Got Squeezed”

“That One Football Player Who Walked Free For Killing A Couple Of People Actually Ended Up In Jail Anyways”

“The Juice Is No Longer Loose”

“Former NFL Running Back Now A Tight End”

“Detective Nordberg Does Las Vegas” (Obscure?)

Pull The Plug, Please

In America, Thanksgiving is about families getting together for fellowship, football, and football.

And while for the better part of the last three-quarters of a century the annual Thanksgiving game in Detroit has been a main staple for most Americans, especially people in the state of Michigan, the time has come for one of the greatest sports traditions in America to be done away with after what the country saw Thursday afternoon when the Tennessee Titans came into Motown.

Because of the sweetheart deal the NFL made with the Lions to have the game be sold out by Tuesday, what was supposed to be a blackout turned into a one-sided affair pitting the Titans against a team that I’m pretty sure one of my lady friends could have quarterbacked if they were able to.

A one-sided affair captured on National television.

Not something that many of you Nasty Boy fans in the Eastern Time Zone wanted to wake up to after a hangover.

Behind the excellent play of rookie Chris Johnson, who rushed for 125 yards and two touchdowns, and LenDale White, who made waves this week over some comments about not having an active role in the offense during the Titans’ loss against the Jets and rushed for two touchdowns, the Titans at least clinched a share of the AFC South title by beating the winless Detroit Lions 47-10 and could clinch it outright should Indianapolis lose to the Cleveland Browns on Sunday.

For the Lions, it meant another listless Thanksgiving Day, the second time this decade that the Lions started 0-12, and being on game closer to finishing the season 0-16 with four games left to play. The 47 points also marks the most that the Lions have given up in 69 games on Thanksgiving and drops them to 33-34-2 on Turkey Day.

Over the past week, most of the people in the media — such as Mike Ditka, among others — have said that the longstanding tradition in Detroit should be done away with because of the ineptness of the Lions.

Can you blame them?

They’ve said the best thing to do is allow the NFL to rotate the games each year, because the Lions, as we all have seen these past few years, have stunk up CBS and probably made Jim Nantz’s face turn red.

Now that I think of it, if the NFL did something like that it could be just like the Christmas Day NBA games that most of us grew up watching: games with great storylines and marquee players.

I mean, if you’re a football fan, would you rather watch the Lions get hammered or a matchup like Cowboys-Giants or Patriots-Jets?

Would you watch LT go at it against the Steelers or see (insert lame-assed quarterback’s name here) get sacked by Jevon Kearse or Al Haynesworth?

Think about it, America.

That also means you, Mr. Goodell.

MNF Question Of The Night

Why hasn’t Drew Brees used his vast supply of riches to remove whatever is growing on his face?

…Talk amongst yourselves…

A Day In The Life…

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.

10:15AM – 34 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

A package arrives for Mr. Mike Brown to 1 Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202. It’s a Netflix envelope. Millions of desperate fans now realize where money for a premier scouting department goes. The flick? Invincible starring Mark Wahlberg as Philadelphia Eagle “walk-on” Vince Papale.

12:00PM – 32 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Credits are rolling for Invincible…

Mike Brown: “Brilliant! Get me Papale’s agent. If a guy with such gusto can walk-on for Coach Vermeil in Philadelphia we need to make a move for him by tomorrow night’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers at 8:15PM exclusively on the NFL Network!”

Apparently Mr. Brown has resorted to product placement advertisement even within his own Front Office. NFL Network pays him $1,000 for every mention. Proceeds go to his daughter’s extensive wardrobe of man-clothes:

Mike Brown: “If their quarterback is dumb enough to not know that there are ties in the NFL we should have no problem trading David Pollack for Vince Papale straight up. Hell, even I knew there are ties and I don’t know a damn thing about football. I will say, however, that I’ve been managing for ties my entire career because it is like I’ve always said, a tie is better than anything else!”

1:15PM – 31 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

At his daily press conference Marvin Lewis explains his team’s recent struggles.

Marvin Lewis: “Has anybody seen the movie Major League? Mr. Brown let me borrow it off of his Netflix queue, he’s a big Charlie Sheen fan. God, I love Netflix. Anyways, the movie inspired what I thought would be one of my more brilliant coaching strategies for the start of this season. I have always gotten my best coaching schemes from Hollywood, it is why I have a robust .483 professional winning percentage. This strategy has only failed me once, apparently you can’t get angels in the endzone. I thought it was worth a shot. Anyways, about this year. So after watching Major League I decided to install a cardboard stand-up of Katie Blackburn in the locker-room and I told the guys that every time we won a game I would peel off an article of clothing…just like in Major League. Obviously this hasn’t gone over too well…we’re 1-8-1; it seems most of the team would rather the cardboard Blackburn keep her clothes on. Carson actually vomited. So that one is on me, I take full responsibility.”

4:00PM – 28 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Vince Papale, now 62 years old and ravaged by dementia, reports to Bengals Compound confused and slightly intoxicated. Mike Brown has never been more excited by a league-minimum signing.

In the meantime, Fifth-Third Bank has frozen Mr. Brown’s account and put a hold on Papale’s paycheck. Even the seemingly-yet-not-admittedly gay bank teller thinks that the acquisition must be some kind of joke and that someone must have stolen a book of checks from Bengals Compound and forged Mr. Brown’s signature. Many Bengals fans are left to wonder why a similar observation hasn’t occurred sooner.

6:30PM – 25 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Team dinner is promptly served by recently signed lineman/linecook Digger Bujnoch and his family’s catering business, Booj’s. Mike Brown is as giddy as as school girl over the ability to get two services out of Bujnoch for the price of one and begins wondering if Chris Henry would be interested in selling Dippin’ Dots in the stands during defensive drives.

Patting himself on the back for another cost-cutting maneuver done well and unable to dine thanks to a potent case of irritable bowel syndrome, Mr. Brown retires to his quarters with a bottle of Metamucil and the latest Clay Aiken CD. The team leaves town for Pittsburgh shortly thereafter.

Thursday, November 20, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.

6:30AM – 13 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Feeling refreshed and rested from the night’s sleep, Mr. Brown settles in his office for his morning coffee while Akili Smith massages BENGAY in to his boss’ aching and aging muscles. Reading the regional newspapers each morning with a cup of joe is always a treat for Mikey; it allows him to revisit each and everyday how well-received he is as team owner in the Cincinnati area.

10:00AM – 10 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

A virtual off-day for the Front Office with the team en route to Pittsburgh, Mr. Brown begins the search for more bargain-basement players to pad his lineup and his resume. It takes little time for a scavenger of Brown’s caliber to realize that Philadelphia has more to offer than just a walk-on wide receiver.

Mike Brown: “I want the ‘garbage picking field goal kicking Philadelphia phenomenon’ and I want him now! If the Eagles were dumb enough to give up Papale for pennies on the dollar, Barney Gorman should be virtually free. I’ll see to it that the league’s most accurate active kicker Shayne Graham never boots another field goal for this team the rest of his career! (shouting to son Paul) Tell ’em will give ’em Odell Thurman and a tub of Bujnoch’s cole slaw! (snickering)”

1:45PM – 6 hours, 30 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Katie Blackburn begins to salivate after watching the “Palumalu Island” promo for the 17th consecutive time while relaxing on her bed.

Katie Blackburn: “God a Troy Palumalu is sooo much sexier than a Troy Blackburn with that flowing Samoan hair. I can’t wait for the Steelers to make the playoffs this year. I know who I’m rooting for: The Pittsburgh Steelers. The one time I root for the teams in our division is when they are in the playoffs. Did I mention how dreamy Troy Palumalu is? I picked the wrong Troy.”

Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, upon receiving a provocative text message from Bengals Executive Vice President Katie Blackburn, Troy Palumalu vomits a little bit in his mouth.

5:15PM – 3 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

Marvin Lewis address his team before heading out to complete walk-throughs, warm-ups, and pregame ceremonies.

Marvin Lewis: “Ask not what your team can do for you; ask what you can do for your team. I have a dream that tonight this team will rise up and live out the true meaning of being a Cincinnati Bengal. And after the fight has ended, I hope to stand before you as your leader and declare one thing: Mission Accomplished. Gentlemen I want you to remember one thing tonight: a victory is one small step for this season, but one giant leap for seasons to come. So go out there and give it all you’ve got and win just one for the Gipper because blessed are the victors; for they shall inherit the Division. Amen.”

7:00PM – 1 hour, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Mr. Brown declined to travel for a Thursday night game in chilly Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and with pregame coverage commencing, he decides instead to sit down with his latest Netflix arrival. There will be no tuning in to tonight’s contest between his Bengals and the hated Steelers because even Mike Brown is too cheap to pay for the NFL Network.

(Ed.’s Note: Thanks to Charlie Hustle for some inspiration for this complete waste of your time.)

At Least I Still Have The Bengals…Right?

Last night’s Kentucky at North Carolina basketball game:

(Dramatization.)

“The Debacle in the Dean Dome.” That’s what they’re calling it.

And by they I mean me.

Kentucky narrowly escaped a mere single-digit loss thanks to 28 turnovers to start the 2008-2009 campaign 0-2 for only the third time in the program’s storied history. North Carolina now sits just 14 wins shy of Kentucky’s all-time mark — the one record Wildcat fans have grabbed at straws with as the glory has faded from this once-dominant regime. A 19-point Tar Heel victory kicked off ESPN’s college basketball coverage with the #1 team in the Nation’s two best players idly watching from the bench as if to say, “the team doesn’t need us for these has-beens.”

I woke up this morning — much like ZRO did post-VMI embarrassment — hoping it was all a bad dream. That the visions of that rat Roy Williams applauding gleefully from the sidelines and Dickie V.’s 18 Duke/Coach K. references were all merely nightmares within the depths of my slumber.

A nightmare it may have been but oh-so-real it was.

I immediately headed for the showers, hoping to wash away the stank of losing and searching for a single glimmer of hope in the coming weeks — and unfortunately it’s not Longwood (that’s what she said) at home next Monday.

In fact, as I stepped out of the shower it dawned on me: at least I still have the Bengals…right?

My much maligned band of nobodies is on a three week non-losing streak. Something that cannot be said about the basketball OR football Wildcats.

Cincy completely bamboozled the Eagles on Sunday, snatching a tie from the jaws of victory after tricking Donovan McNabb in to believing that there were no ties in the NFL, that the next step would be penalty kicks.

Only the Bengals could provide such heart-warming tales like the acquisition of lineman Digger Bujnoch, literally signed out of the West Side of Cincinnati after no other NFL team would have him. A man who once earned a paycheck delivering Salisbury steaks to Mike Brown while working for his parents’ catering company, Booj’s, is now suiting up for the orange and black attack (I can’t make this stuff up).

And it is fitting this holiday season that the Bengals are now staffed primarily by players left behind by teams that lack the foresight of Cincy’s front office as Mike Brown’s heart has grown three sizes this season. The Digger Bujnochs, the Chris Crockers (surprisingly not this Chris Crocker), and even the Cedric Bensons are our very own Island of Misfit Toys a la the Christmas classic Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.

While I agonize in the state of my basketball Wildcats I still have these Bengals…my Bengals.

No other team could provide the emotional roller coaster ride or the laughs as the Bengals can. No other team could tug at the spirit with stories of sacrifice and redemption…for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th times. And no other team’s best player has gradually grown to resemble Little Richard since his arrival:

So when you’re gathered around the dinner table next week with your families for Thanksgiving, remember what you DO have (Chris Henry and Mike Brown) instead of what you DON’T have (a winning record after two games, ball security, a viable option at point guard, or a sober head coach) because, hey, at least we’re not Louisville fans:

“Lewisveele!”

A Ransom Note

Hello, I have something that may be of interest to you. I know Matt will be interested. People have been looking for this for the last 9 weeks, and it was harder to find than the list of women Rex Grossman hasn’t banged. It’s called the Bengals’ season, and I have it in my custody. I hadn’t bought in to the hype, that the complete reversion to the Bungles days were back.

After Palmer went down, things looked downright dreadful and there were echos of the Yuccaneers’ winless season. I saw the 31st overall ranked offense and said,”they are bound to get better any week, they have the tools, they just aren’t putting it together”. But they didn’t and I finally bet on Cincinnati to suck against the Jaguars D.

Then I saw something strange happen on Saturday. Ryan “Fighting Crimson (no really!)” Fitzpatrick did a couple very convincing Mike Vick impersonations and was slinging it all over the field while still averaging less than 10 yards a pass. Chad Ocho Cinco started looking like Chad Johnson, and unsurprisingly started acting like him. They even tried to give the game away at the end, which saved my defensive points this week, yet still couldn’t lose the game. So what sort of bargaining chip do I have in order for this ransom note to be effective?

My fantasy team.

Why does any of this make sense? Because I’m like Neo. For fantasy football. But the other way. I suck at it, really bad, to the point where I have not finished above second to last place for the last two seasons. But mysteriously, as soon as I bank on the orange-and-blacks to suck, they go nuts. So my demands are simple: either Bengals fans pay me and I add defenses that are playing them, saving your season. Or I don’t play the opposing defense and you return to nauseatingly bad.

Maybe some of you will say “Gee, Zach, winning would be nice, but we want the #1 pick. We don’t want to win anymore”.

Bullshit.

I saw how you people got when they had one good year. You got worse than Massholes, when I heard an accent developing every time I listened to some over-privileged white kid bark, “Aye wuz heah since the fahkin staht. We ah the best fans evah!”.

So don’t give me that. You know you want this action, if only to make up for the arrests, suspensions, injuries, internal distractions, morally crushing injuries, and the cuts of two of the people that made up that 2005 team because they didn’t want to pay them out.

If you want to have some dignity, transfer eleventy billion dollars to:

Somefake Bank

Account #: 1234567

I await your reply.

Quest For Perfection

The “Mike Brown Urinal Target” coming to a Greater Cincinnati truck stop near you!

The Cincinnati Bungles (henceforth they are to be known only as the “Cincinnati Bungles” until further notice) maintained their quest for perfection on Sunday falling to the Houston Texans 35-6 and in doing so appeared to be, quite possibly, the worst football team in the history of teams. Now the Bungles being shitty is not a new phenomenon — obviously — and at the core of the problem is an 18 year long festering boil that needed to be lanced a long time ago in the form of the tenure of Mike Brown.

Now I’ve thought long and hard on how to verbalize the central issue plaguing the Cincinnati Bungles and how I am relatively sure that it is an unsolvable problem outside of the commissioner of the NFL, Der Fuhrer Goodell, stepping in at some point on the grounds of competitive balance and/or obligation to the fans of Cincinnati.

In the past I have targeted many topics as the basis for the Bungles’ weaknesses:

• The Bungles’ failed NFL draft shenanigans: A Walk Down Memory Lane, April 17, 2007
• Cincinnati’s incomparable number of legal issues: Cincinnati Criminals, May 23, 2007
• And even their front office frugality: Striving For Mediocrity, January 13, 2008

What I have come to realize is that the issue cannot be narrowed down to one particular culprit and the problem is, however, very deeply rooted in the culture of the organization starting at the very top and reaching deep in to the annals of Paul Brown Stadium.

However, on the surface the problem can be best described by a three-pronged explanation:

1. Front Office Failure: Cincinnati is one of (I believe) only three teams that operates without a general manager (and thus the owner is the de facto GM) — with the other two teams being the Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders — and it is clear that owner Mike Brown knows little-to-nothing about evaluating football talent. If Mr. Brown was a football genius or he was willing to constantly throw as much money in to the team as needed to field a winner, I would have no problem with this. Obviously, however, neither are the case when it comes to Cincinnati. The Bungles also employ the lowest number of scouts and executives of any team in the NFL.
2. Keeping It In The Family: Nepotism is certainly not something that Mike Brown can deny since some of his top executives consist of his brother Pete, daughter Katie (Blackburn), son-in-law Troy Blackburn, and son Paul. The rest of the organization is comprised mainly of a host of characters that have befriended Mikey along the way and thus have found themselves in good favor with the organization. The culture will never change if the most important personnel’s ideology never changes and instead only continues to proliferate within the same family.
3. Bungalization: This may be the hardest to explain but also may be the most detrimental issue at the same time. If it ever appears that there is some sort of curse on the Bungles that is because there is…kind of. I call it the “Bungalization” of players. This means, simply, that either consciously or subconsciously players on the Bungles have bought in to the historical deficiencies of the franchise, as well as their inability to win and win often while in Cincinnati. This effect then shows in the on-field performances without anybody fully realizing that these players are not playing to what their full potential might be with another team, thus giving off the appearance that the Bungles are “cursed.” It is the reciprocal to the reason that the New England Patriots can get more out of an aging player when other teams have left their career for dead. Bungalization then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and a self-perpetuating problem in a never ending vicious cycle.

Taking all issues in to account, the three-pronged explanation is the best attempt at condensing the Bungles woes in to three paragraphs but it still doesn’t operationalize everything that is wrong with the franchise. I don’t think that I have failed to fully explain myself but I do believe that a video circling YouTube (and courtesy of The Meaningful Collateral) better explains the subject in a manner that is easier to visualize:

This is the best description of what is ailing this franchise and it comes in the form of a brilliant four minute video. Things may or may not change in Cincinnati with another failed season, unfortunately more likely the latter, but perpetual hope that something will be done to turn things around is the lone driving force that keeps me coming back each season.

But for the time being at least we can see exactly why the current Cincinnati Bungles are on their quest for perfection this season.

Charlie Hustle’s Question Of The Day

Ed.’s Note: This gem was left on my desktop by the legendary Charlie Hustle…

What was the biggest reason for Sunday’s 35-6 loss at houston?

A) Marvin is an Exstacy addict and always seems too happy.

B) Mike Brown is secretly down $10 million to his bookie.

C) Ryan Fitzpatrick is Akili Smith in white face.

D) Paul Brown’s ghost hates black coaches.

Bengal Astrology Points To Cincy Upset

Yes, I realize just 24 hours ago I wrote off the Bengals and left them for dead.  Literally.  And no, I am not going back on my word — I really do think that Cincinnati has solidified their future of futility.  However, the “Who Dey Horoscopes” are projecting a Bengals victory, for what it’s worth.

The last time the Bengals started 0-7 was during the 2002 campaign. Cincy’s eighth game?  A November 3rd outing against the Houston Texans in the Lone Star State.  The result?  A 38-3 orange and black victory.

Obviously I don’t expect this apparently anemic offense to hang 38 points on Houston while holding them to just a field goal tomorrow in Reliant Stadium.  Mind you, the 2002 Texans were still a hapless expansion franchise and while they haven’t turned the corner much since then, Matt Schaub and Company are a better team now than they were then.  However, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the coincidence is rather remarkable and at 2-4, the Texans are still not that much better of a team than the Bengals.

The last time quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick played an NFL game in Houston — or a game against the Texans for that matter — was during the 2005 season as a member of the Saint Louis Rams.  The result?  A 33-27 come-from-behind victory in which Fitzy replaced an injured Jamie Martin early in the game and proceeded to go 19-30 for 310 yards and three touchdowns.

The Texans are ranked 17th in passing giving up 216.8 yards per game and nine total touchdowns on the season.  This neither lends itself to a particularly poor or particularly strong performance for the Bengals’ signal caller but with what should be more time in the pocket, Fitzpatrick is poised to post some of the best numbers of he and the Bengals’ slow start.  Cincinnati showed signs of taking down-field shots last week against Pittsburgh and with yet another week of practice as the starter for Fitzpatrick and a defense far less impressive than that of the Steelers, look for this trend to continue (deep passes are the easy part, it remains to be seen when and if they’ll begin to complete them).

The last time running back Cedric Benson was in the state of Texas he was a member of the University of Texas Longhorns.  The result?  5,577 career rushing yards and 64 touchdowns in four seasons and a 4th overall selection of 2005 NFL Draft.

Houston is ranked 22nd in rushing defense giving up 122 yards per game and 11 total touchdowns on the season including at least one rushing score in every game.  If the Bengals’ deficient offensive line can put together an inspired performance this week, Benson and the Cincinnati rushing attack (I’m using the word “attack” loosely) may finally put together a complete game despite being a unit ranked 31st (out of 32 teams) in total rushing offense at 73.9 yards per game.

The late line this week has the Houston Texans as a 9.5 favorites over the Cincinnati Bengals, which comes as no surprise to many with the way The Queen City’s boys have played thus far.  Being favored, however, is still relatively new territory for the Texans — especially this season with their only wins coming against the Miami Dolphins and the also-win less Detroit Lions.

Being new at being favored and playing a team that doesn’t appear to be a winner even at the college level leaves Houston primed for an upset on their home turf.  All of the stars are aligned for the Bengals to notch their first victory in the 2008 calendar year, despite the spread, because as the old adage goes, even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while.

(But if the Bengals lose, we can forget I ever said any of this.)

The Obituary

BENGALS, Cincinnati. The Bengals, 40, passed away late Sunday night, October 19th, at their home in Paul Brown Stadium in Ohio. The Bengals were preceded in death by patriarch Paul Brown (I), of Ohio, as well as by The Houston Oilers and Anna Nicole Smith, both of Texas. The Bengals fathered one, lone Hall-of-Famer, Anthony Muñoz, 50, of California and were also survived by their owner Mike Brown, 71, of Ohio, along with Katie (Brown) Blackburn, Troy Blackburn, and Paul Brown (II), all also of Ohio, as well as a handful of remaining fans. The Bengals died from a long bout of Internal Cancer despite intermittent years of remission (’73, ’75, ’76, ’81, ’86, ’88, ’90, & ’05) in which they could never quite fully recover. More recently the Bengals acquired additional ailments of Dave Shula, David Klingler, diabetes, Bruce Coslet, Akili Smith, and multiple marijuana possessions that only added to the pain and suffering of their final years on this mortal Earth. Unfortunately for The Bengals, their Internal Cancer came at a time in history when their closest management was unable (or unwilling) to spend the money needed to afford the knowledge and know-how to permanently cure their conditions. Tragically, The Bengals finally left us after succumbing to a three-and-a-half hour battle to the viral Pittsburgh Steelers late Sunday afternoon. Public visitations will be held at their home in Paul Brown Stadium on November 2nd, November 16th, November 30th, December 14th, and December 28th. Final interment will be on the grounds of their property in Ohio and assisting with the formal funeral services as Paul Bearers will be The Jacksonville Jaguars, The Philadelphia Eagles, The Baltimore Ravens, The Washington Redskins, The Kansas City Chiefs, and Bill Cowher. In lieu of flowers, the closest survivors of the departed are asking that donations be made in memory of The Bengals to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, so that one day all terminally ill football teams can experience their dream of a Super Bowl ring, or to the “Mike Brown Sucks Campaign” found here: MikeBrownSucks.com. The Cincinnati Bengals were loved by some, envied by a few, and better than none. R.I.P., 2008.

Bear Down Bitches

(Insert Kyle Orton looking stupid picture.)

^The Bears QB Future

With the Cubs on their usual end of the year slide, Chicago has turned their eyes to another winning team, the Chicago Bears?!?! For all those who missed Sunday Night Football, the Bears ran rashaad over the Colts with an impressive win. Lead by Rookie RB Matt Forte and a defense that was able to keep one of the best offensive teams in the league to under 14 points, the Bears appear to be a formidable team this year.

The Bears were able to score on offense and defense, and while the special teams appeared to be somewhat shaky (with a questionable play by Hester trying to run out of the endzone), the direction is up for this Bears team that had relatively low hopes for this season. It’s time for Chicago to Bear Down for another long winter and another football season.

P.S. For all those wondering, I am returning to my fantasy football league this year as Champion, and defeated my brother-in-law Week 1 in dominating fashion. I only expect more of the same from the coming weeks.

Carson Palmer Probably Doesn’t Like Ohio State

When Carson Palmer speaks, we tend to listen. And when The Savior went on KLAC, a Los Angeles area-based radio station, last week speak he did when asked about the upcoming Southern California versus Ohio State gridiron battle:

“I cannot stand the Buckeyes. And having to…having to live in Ohio and hear those people talk about their team it drives me absolutely nuts. And we finally got Keith Rivers out there and we got Frostee Rucker, we finally got a couple…a couple other SC guys but it’s amazing to…to hear what those guys think about that university and what they think about that football program and Tressel and all the crap I’ve got to put up with being back there. I just can’t wait for two years from now when SC comes to the ‘Shoe and I get to hopefully…hopefully we’ll have a home game that weekend and I can go up there and watch us pound on them on their own turf and kind of put all the…all the talk to rest ’cause I’m really getting sick of it. And I just can’t wait for the game to get here so they can come out to the Coliseum and experience LA and get an ol’ fashioned Pac-10 butt whoopin’ and go back to the Big Ten.”

Ah, it’s like a breath of fresh air, isn’t it? Have I mentioned “Carson Palmer” and “The Savior” in the same sentence yet?

I can’t really blame Carson, the obnoxiousness of the fans of Ohio State…sorry, THE Ohio State…really chaps my ass too and their arrogance is really unparalleled. I, too, have enjoyed sending them back to the Big Ten after ol’ fashioned SEC butt whoopin’s the last two National Championship games and I’m excited to see those west coast boys make it their own, adding a little California flavor in non-conference play.

Of course roughly half — if not more — of Ohio State’s in-state followers are poverty-stricken fans of the Cleveland Clowns so these comments will only add fuel to the Bengals/Browns rivalry but one has to wonder how fans of both the Buckeyes AND the Bengals will react.

Does Palmer, a guy who has gradually brought the Bengals franchise out of the depths of obscurity, and Cincinnati’s lovable losers stay in the good graces of the average Bengals/Buckeyes fan? Or do the minions revolt against Cincinnati’s signal caller, standing up for the university they root for and a place they haven’t even sniffed the trash cans of?

♣ Linkage: CavsBoard via FanHouse

(Editor’s Note: It should be noted that Carson’s comments are allegedly in response to being asked about a caller claiming that the Buckeyes were going to slaughter the Trojans.)

Imus Does Not Get ‘It’ But Pacman Has No Room To Talk

Resident dumbass Don Imus’ apparent disdain for African-American people has reared its ugly head yet again and, as they say, the war rages on.

A little over 14 months removed from calling the women’s Rutger’s basketball team “nappy-headed hoes,” Imus had this on-air exchange with counterpart Warner Wolf regarding troubled Dallas Cowboy Adam “Pacman” Jones:

Warner Wolf: He’s been arrested six times since being drafted by Tennesse in 2005.

Don Imus: What color is he?

Warner Wolf: He’s African-American

Don Imus: Well, there you go. Now we know.

Imus clearly uses years of journalistic integrity and brilliant logic to quickly generalize all six of Jones’ arrests in to one simple reason: he is black. Genius. Conversely, I would venture to say it has very little to do with the color of Jones’ skin and that “pure stupidity” leads the pack of possible reasons by so much that it is now lapping the others.

Don has since clarified his statements under the mask of an excuse that he was sticking up for African-Americans wrongly targeted by the law; that Jones was being picked on because he is black:

“What people should be outraged about is that they arrest blacks for no reason. There’s no reason to arrest this kid six times, I mean maybe he did something once but everybody does something once — I have. … They shoot blacks for no reason.”

Imus finally adds that Adam Jones is a “lovely” kid leaving me 100% sure that every 20-something athlete feels complimented by being deemed “lovely” and that the African-American people are fully comforted by Don Imus being their spokesman for what is fair and right within their racial concerns.

Do not get me wrong, I am a clear proponent free speech and have said, at times, many are too sensitive to what is said in the media and many are too quick to pull the “politically incorrect” card. But clearly Don Imus just does not get ‘it’.

Of course, neither does Adam “Pacman” Jones.

I believe we can all agree that Jones — a man attempting to cleanse his reputation — did not deserve to be mistreated on-air for seemingly no other reason than the color of his skin.

“I’m truly upset about the comments. Obviously Mr. Imus has problems with African-Americans. I’m upset, and I hope the station he works for handles it accordingly. I will pray for him.”

Jones has all the right in the world to be upset and his reserve under the circumstances is commendable, but Adam offering to pray for Imus when he has had plenty of his own issues that are in dire need of prayer is a small example of the same hypocrisy I hate about Imus.

Clearly Jones is oblivious to the fact that we are all very tired of seeing him get arrested. I am reminded of a scene in the movie Liar Liar where Jim Carrey’s character — a lawyer — can no longer tell lies and is informed by his secretary that a client seeking legal advice has robbed another ATM, this time at knife point, to which Jim Carrey’s character responds by screaming in to the phone:

“STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!”

♣ Linkage: Sun-Sentinel.com, FanHouse, & ESPN.com

Same-Sex Marriages Are Chris Collinsworth Approved (Maybe)

Monday marked a flagship day in the history of the great state of Caleefornya as the ban on same-sex marriages was lifted, allowing ceremonies to commence almost immediately. The first ceremony in San Fransisco included two lovely ladies who have apparently been together since the Lincoln Administration, while the marriage itself appears to have been overseen by none other than the NFL’s own Chris Collinsworth.

We had no idea that the former Cincinnati Bengal great was a political activist but kudos to Collinsworth for doing what he feels is right and politically correct. Don’t get me wrong, me and the boys here love lesbians just as much as the next guy.

But only the hot ones.

[Thanks goes to Condo for the find.]

♣ Linkage: Yahoo!