A Day In The Life…
Posted by Matt on November 20, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.
10:15AM – 34 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:
A package arrives for Mr. Mike Brown to 1 Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202. It’s a Netflix envelope. Millions of desperate fans now realize where money for a premier scouting department goes. The flick? Invincible starring Mark Wahlberg as Philadelphia Eagle “walk-on” Vince Papale.
12:00PM – 32 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
Credits are rolling for Invincible…
Mike Brown: “Brilliant! Get me Papale’s agent. If a guy with such gusto can walk-on for Coach Vermeil in Philadelphia we need to make a move for him by tomorrow night’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers at 8:15PM exclusively on the NFL Network!”
Apparently Mr. Brown has resorted to product placement advertisement even within his own Front Office. NFL Network pays him $1,000 for every mention. Proceeds go to his daughter’s extensive wardrobe of man-clothes:
Mike Brown: “If their quarterback is dumb enough to not know that there are ties in the NFL we should have no problem trading David Pollack for Vince Papale straight up. Hell, even I knew there are ties and I don’t know a damn thing about football. I will say, however, that I’ve been managing for ties my entire career because it is like I’ve always said, a tie is better than anything else!”
1:15PM – 31 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:
At his daily press conference Marvin Lewis explains his team’s recent struggles.
Marvin Lewis: “Has anybody seen the movie Major League? Mr. Brown let me borrow it off of his Netflix queue, he’s a big Charlie Sheen fan. God, I love Netflix. Anyways, the movie inspired what I thought would be one of my more brilliant coaching strategies for the start of this season. I have always gotten my best coaching schemes from Hollywood, it is why I have a robust .483 professional winning percentage. This strategy has only failed me once, apparently you can’t get angels in the endzone. I thought it was worth a shot. Anyways, about this year. So after watching Major League I decided to install a cardboard stand-up of Katie Blackburn in the locker-room and I told the guys that every time we won a game I would peel off an article of clothing…just like in Major League. Obviously this hasn’t gone over too well…we’re 1-8-1; it seems most of the team would rather the cardboard Blackburn keep her clothes on. Carson actually vomited. So that one is on me, I take full responsibility.”
4:00PM – 28 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
Vince Papale, now 62 years old and ravaged by dementia, reports to Bengals Compound confused and slightly intoxicated. Mike Brown has never been more excited by a league-minimum signing.
In the meantime, Fifth-Third Bank has frozen Mr. Brown’s account and put a hold on Papale’s paycheck. Even the seemingly-yet-not-admittedly gay bank teller thinks that the acquisition must be some kind of joke and that someone must have stolen a book of checks from Bengals Compound and forged Mr. Brown’s signature. Many Bengals fans are left to wonder why a similar observation hasn’t occurred sooner.
6:30PM – 25 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
Team dinner is promptly served by recently signed lineman/linecook Digger Bujnoch and his family’s catering business, Booj’s. Mike Brown is as giddy as as school girl over the ability to get two services out of Bujnoch for the price of one and begins wondering if Chris Henry would be interested in selling Dippin’ Dots in the stands during defensive drives.
Patting himself on the back for another cost-cutting maneuver done well and unable to dine thanks to a potent case of irritable bowel syndrome, Mr. Brown retires to his quarters with a bottle of Metamucil and the latest Clay Aiken CD. The team leaves town for Pittsburgh shortly thereafter.
Thursday, November 20, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.
6:30AM – 13 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
Feeling refreshed and rested from the night’s sleep, Mr. Brown settles in his office for his morning coffee while Akili Smith massages BENGAY in to his boss’ aching and aging muscles. Reading the regional newspapers each morning with a cup of joe is always a treat for Mikey; it allows him to revisit each and everyday how well-received he is as team owner in the Cincinnati area.
10:00AM – 10 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
A virtual off-day for the Front Office with the team en route to Pittsburgh, Mr. Brown begins the search for more bargain-basement players to pad his lineup and his resume. It takes little time for a scavenger of Brown’s caliber to realize that Philadelphia has more to offer than just a walk-on wide receiver.
Mike Brown: “I want the ‘garbage picking field goal kicking Philadelphia phenomenon’ and I want him now! If the Eagles were dumb enough to give up Papale for pennies on the dollar, Barney Gorman should be virtually free. I’ll see to it that the league’s most accurate active kicker Shayne Graham never boots another field goal for this team the rest of his career! (shouting to son Paul) Tell ’em will give ’em Odell Thurman and a tub of Bujnoch’s cole slaw! (snickering)”
1:45PM – 6 hours, 30 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
Katie Blackburn begins to salivate after watching the “Palumalu Island” promo for the 17th consecutive time while relaxing on her bed.
Katie Blackburn: “God a Troy Palumalu is sooo much sexier than a Troy Blackburn with that flowing Samoan hair. I can’t wait for the Steelers to make the playoffs this year. I know who I’m rooting for: The Pittsburgh Steelers. The one time I root for the teams in our division is when they are in the playoffs. Did I mention how dreamy Troy Palumalu is? I picked the wrong Troy.”
Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, upon receiving a provocative text message from Bengals Executive Vice President Katie Blackburn, Troy Palumalu vomits a little bit in his mouth.
5:15PM – 3 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:
Marvin Lewis address his team before heading out to complete walk-throughs, warm-ups, and pregame ceremonies.
Marvin Lewis: “Ask not what your team can do for you; ask what you can do for your team. I have a dream that tonight this team will rise up and live out the true meaning of being a Cincinnati Bengal. And after the fight has ended, I hope to stand before you as your leader and declare one thing: Mission Accomplished. Gentlemen I want you to remember one thing tonight: a victory is one small step for this season, but one giant leap for seasons to come. So go out there and give it all you’ve got and win just one for the Gipper because blessed are the victors; for they shall inherit the Division. Amen.”
7:00PM – 1 hour, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
Mr. Brown declined to travel for a Thursday night game in chilly Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and with pregame coverage commencing, he decides instead to sit down with his latest Netflix arrival. There will be no tuning in to tonight’s contest between his Bengals and the hated Steelers because even Mike Brown is too cheap to pay for the NFL Network.
(Ed.’s Note: Thanks to Charlie Hustle for some inspiration for this complete waste of your time.)
This entry was posted on November 20, 2008 at 4:52 PM and is filed under Cincinnati Bengals, NFL, The Nasty Boys. Tagged: AUTHOR:MJ, Complete Bullshit. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
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