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Posts Tagged ‘AUTHOR:MJ’

Hibernation

Posted by Matt on February 11, 2009

Obviously TNB has been dormant since the New Year and for that I apologize.  Most of the guys have moved on to bigger and better things: careers, families, graduate school, or — in Bob’s case — drunken binges.  We’ve been gone but the site has not been forgotten.

So here is the deal:  with baseball spring training looming, our 1,000,000th hit imminent, and Charlie Hustle needing additional income to feed his degenerate gambling habits, we’re going to be making some gradual, minor changes in hopes of a relaunch on March 1st.  The majority of the design will stay the same as will a majority of the free, below-average content you’ve come to expect.

The one, big change that I hope alienates nobody is our focus.  Instead of our ambiguous approach to 2008, we’re going to narrow our focus for the Northern Kentucky sports sufferer.  Bitchings about the Cincinnati Bengals and Reds, as well as (hopefully) amusing and interesting commentary on the Kentucky Wildcats.  Every once in a while we’ll throw in some very newsworthy or interesting bits from those respective sports and the teams’ respective divisions/conferences.  There won’t be nearly as much mainstream, general fodder but there may be some national stories from the MLB or NFL from time to time.

Just as a recap, our narrowed focus will include the Cincinnati Bengals/AFC North, the Cincinnati Reds/NL Central, the Kentucky Wildcats/Southeastern Conference, and maybe a touch of related news just to switch it up. As always are archives will remain in tact for anyone wanting to check out the back catalog — I’m not sure why you would put yourself through that — as it will only see some minor, reorganizational changes.

There may be many folks who aren’t interested in the above listings and for that I apologize;  I encourage anyone that stops by to stick around despite the changes. I don’t know if the changes will right the ship but we’re going to give it one helluva shot.

See you in March.

MJ

Posted in The Nasty Boys | Tagged: | Comments Off on Hibernation

It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than That

Posted by Matt on January 14, 2009

meeks

54 points IN Knoxville against the hated Vols. A Kentucky record. The lead story on the 11:00PM edition of SportsCenter. And now I arrive to work to find the ESPN homepage splashed with the dominating performance had by one Jodie Meeks right in the face of the that orange-blazer-wearing, too-much-fake-tanned Bruce Pearl. Chris Lofton WHO?

Posted in Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA Basketball | Tagged: | 3 Comments »

BCS Aftermath

Posted by Matt on January 9, 2009

ok

Fat band girl’s tears sustain me.

Posted in NCAA Football | Tagged: | Comments Off on BCS Aftermath

Happy New Year!

Posted by Matt on January 1, 2009

Hope everyone had a very safe and happy New Year’s Eve.  Enjoy the day off and the college Bowl games and try to keep from falling off your New Year’s Resolution wagon at least through the weekend.

Posted in The Nasty Boys | Tagged: | Comments Off on Happy New Year!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HANUKKAH!

Posted by Matt on December 25, 2008

OK, OK so Hanukkah actually started on Monday but I figured I could knock out both holidays with one post as we’re trying to be green around here during these tough times.

But all jokes aside, I hope that everyone has a happy holiday or winter season, regardless of what you do (or don’t) celebrate. I respect and appreciate them all as much as I do our loyal readers AND OUR MEN AND WOMEN ABROAD!

A very HAPPY Holidays to all of the boys around here: Hustle, Condo, Doc, Bob, Vega, Baller, L.C., and Z — our posts may be few and far between these days but it sure has been a lot of fun with the aforementioned crew.

I hope everyone’s time spent with their families and close friends is both fun and safe and our Military will most definitely be in my thoughts and prayers throughout this week.

Have a good one, and I promise improvements over the coming New Year.

-Matt

Posted in The Nasty Boys | Tagged: | Comments Off on MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HANUKKAH!

Charlie Hustle’s Bengals Quotes Of The Day

Posted by Matt on December 7, 2008

Ed.’s Note: This is what takes place in the head of the legendary Charlie Hustle…

“Cedric Benson…running with all the passion of a crack addict.”

“The Bengals are tackling Dominic Rhodes like he has AIDS.”

Updates:

“Even back in the Jeff Blake days it was exciting because of the bomb to Pickens or Darnay Scott.  Fitzy Kirkpatrick shits his pants if he has to throw it more than 20 yards.”

Ed.’s Note #2: I am sure there will be more to come throughout today…

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | Tagged: , , | Comments Off on Charlie Hustle’s Bengals Quotes Of The Day

OJ Headlines

Posted by Matt on December 5, 2008

With Orenthal J. Simpson apparently forced to see the inside of a prison cell for at least the next nine years, I have been contemplating hilariously lame and pathetic newspaper headlines for tomorrow morning’s inevitable articles:

“What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas”

“The Juice Got Squeezed”

“That One Football Player Who Walked Free For Killing A Couple Of People Actually Ended Up In Jail Anyways”

“The Juice Is No Longer Loose”

“Former NFL Running Back Now A Tight End”

“Detective Nordberg Does Las Vegas” (Obscure?)

simpson

Posted in NFL | Tagged: , | Comments Off on OJ Headlines

Happy Turkey Day!

Posted by Matt on November 27, 2008

john_madden_football

Thanksgiving Day just isn’t quite the same without John Madden, turduckens, and the Lions losing.

Well, without 2 of 3 I guess…

At any rate, I hope any TNB readers have a fun, safe, and tasty Thanksgiving Day!!!

I always take the time at every opportunity to honor our troops abroad as they give me the freedom to say whatever stupid crap I want without fear of consequence.  Our military is one thing I am perpetually thankful for and even more so today (and a big shout out to the 178th Fighter Wing out of Springfield, Ohio!).

So, again, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and I hope those deployed have, at minimum, a moment of peace to enjoy Thanksgiving — they deserve more than what we can repay them with.

Have a great day and enjoy the 3 Fs — family, food, and football — and hopefully your fantasy football teams hold up!

Posted in The Nasty Boys | Tagged: | Comments Off on Happy Turkey Day!

A Very Emmitt Thanksgiving

Posted by Matt on November 27, 2008

Hey all, this here is Emmitt to wish all you Nasty Boy fans a very Happy Hollerdays. When you get to your family during Thanksgiving be sure to think about being with your family on this day.

Today I am going to give you Emmitt’s best hollerday suggestions:

When you cook da turkey, make sure you don’t overcook da turkey.

Turkey and dresser is da best meal you can get.

Thanksgiving Day football games are like history and when I played for Dallas we played in all the Thanksgiving days that we played in.

Make sure you try da cranberry sauce because it just wouldn’t be cranberry sauce without it.

I hate to change the topic but I am going to…

It has been a good year, 2008 has and Emmitt has a lot to be thankful for. I had a very punctual year and I can’t wait to get back on ESPN for work again with the NFL. Which brings me to why I’m here, da NFL.

A lot has happened this NFL season since it started because it has been so long ago so I am going to give you my thoughts from the NFL season up to Thanksgiving Day:

Da Rookie of da Year is none other than Atlanta quorterback Matt Ryan. Matt is the best quorterback to come through Atlanta since he got there.

Da MVP — or Most Valuable Person — is gotta be Kurt Warner of the Arizona Cordinals. He has taken my former team to da next level through his great play at the quorterback position.

Da Detroit Lions are very bad but they won’t be as bad if they win a game eventually.

Da Bengals are in turmoil and I have been there but you have to realize you’re in turmoil before you can fix it.

Unfortunately my time is short ant that is all I have for you on this Thanksgiving Day.  I hope you’re there for me and whenever you get down and think life is bad, remember Emmitt is there for you.

Emmitt

Posted in General Sports | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

MNF Question Of The Night

Posted by Matt on November 25, 2008

brees_ribeiro

Why hasn’t Drew Brees used his vast supply of riches to remove whatever is growing on his face?

…Talk amongst yourselves…

Posted in NFL | Tagged: | Comments Off on MNF Question Of The Night

A Day In The Life…

Posted by Matt on November 20, 2008

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.invincible4

10:15AM – 34 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

A package arrives for Mr. Mike Brown to 1 Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202. It’s a Netflix envelope. Millions of desperate fans now realize where money for a premier scouting department goes. The flick? Invincible starring Mark Wahlberg as Philadelphia Eagle “walk-on” Vince Papale.

12:00PM – 32 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Credits are rolling for Invincible

Mike Brown: “Brilliant! Get me Papale’s agent. If a guy with such gusto can walk-on for Coach Vermeil in Philadelphia we need to make a move for him by tomorrow night’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers at 8:15PM exclusively on the NFL Network!”

Apparently Mr. Brown has resorted to product placement advertisement even within his own Front Office. NFL Network pays him $1,000 for every mention. Proceeds go to his daughter’s extensive wardrobe of man-clothes:

katie_zoom Mike Brown: “If their quarterback is dumb enough to not know that there are ties in the NFL we should have no problem trading David Pollack for Vince Papale straight up. Hell, even I knew there are ties and I don’t know a damn thing about football. I will say, however, that I’ve been managing for ties my entire career because it is like I’ve always said, a tie is better than anything else!”

1:15PM – 31 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

At his daily press conference Marvin Lewis explains his team’s recent struggles.

Marvin Lewis: “Has anybody seen the movie Major League? Mr. Brown let me borrow it off of his Netflix queue, he’s a big Charlie Sheen fan. God, I love Netflix. Anyways, the movie inspired what I thought would be one of my more brilliant coaching strategies for the start of this season. I have always gotten my best coaching schemes from Hollywood, it is why I have a robust .483 professional winning percentage. This strategy has only failed me once, apparently you can’t get angels in the endzone. I thought it was worth a shot. Anyways, about this year. So after watching Major League I decided to install a cardboard stand-up of Katie Blackburn in the locker-room and I told the guys that every time we won a game I would peel off an article of clothing…just like in Major League. Obviously this hasn’t gone over too well…we’re 1-8-1; it seems most of the team would rather the cardboard Blackburn keep her clothes on. Carson actually vomited. So that one is on me, I take full responsibility.”

4:00PM – 28 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Vince Papale, now 62 years old and ravaged by dementia, reports to Bengals Compound confused and slightly intoxicated. Mike Brown has never been more excited by a league-minimum signing.

In the meantime, Fifth-Third Bank has frozen Mr. Brown’s account and put a hold on Papale’s paycheck. Even the seemingly-yet-not-admittedly gay bank teller thinks that the acquisition must be some kind of joke and that someone must have stolen a book of checks from Bengals Compound and forged Mr. Brown’s signature. Many Bengals fans are left to wonder why a similar observation hasn’t occurred sooner.

6:30PM – 25 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Team dinner is promptly served by recently signed lineman/linecook Digger Bujnoch and his family’s catering business, Booj’s. Mike Brown is as giddy as as school girl over the ability to get two services out of Bujnoch for the price of one and begins wondering if Chris Henry would be interested in selling Dippin’ Dots in the stands during defensive drives.

Patting himself on the back for another cost-cutting maneuver done well and unable to dine thanks to a potent case of irritable bowel syndrome, Mr. Brown retires to his quarters with a bottle of Metamucil and the latest Clay Aiken CD. The team leaves town for Pittsburgh shortly thereafter.mv5bmjezmdyymju4nf5bml5banbnxkftztywotixnzu5_v1_sx245_sy400_

Thursday, November 20, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.

6:30AM – 13 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Feeling refreshed and rested from the night’s sleep, Mr. Brown settles in his office for his morning coffee while Akili Smith massages BENGAY in to his boss’ aching and aging muscles. Reading the regional newspapers each morning with a cup of joe is always a treat for Mikey; it allows him to revisit each and everyday how well-received he is as team owner in the Cincinnati area.

10:00AM – 10 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

A virtual off-day for the Front Office with the team en route to Pittsburgh, Mr. Brown begins the search for more bargain-basement players to pad his lineup and his resume. It takes little time for a scavenger of Brown’s caliber to realize that Philadelphia has more to offer than just a walk-on wide receiver.

Mike Brown: “I want the ‘garbage picking field goal kicking Philadelphia phenomenon’ and I want him now! If the Eagles were dumb enough to give up Papale for pennies on the dollar, Barney Gorman should be virtually free. I’ll see to it that the league’s most accurate active kicker Shayne Graham never boots another field goal for this team the rest of his career! (shouting to son Paul) Tell ’em will give ’em Odell Thurman and a tub of Bujnoch’s cole slaw! (snickering)”

1:45PM – 6 hours, 30 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Katie Blackburn begins to salivate after watching the “Palumalu Island” promo for the 17th consecutive time while relaxing on her bed.

Katie Blackburn: “God a Troy Palumalu is sooo much sexier than a Troy Blackburn with that flowing Samoan hair. I can’t wait for the Steelers to make the playoffs this year. I know who I’m rooting for: The Pittsburgh Steelers. The one time I root for the teams in our division is when they are in the playoffs. Did I mention how dreamy Troy Palumalu is? I picked the wrong Troy.”

Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, upon receiving a provocative text message from Bengals Executive Vice President Katie Blackburn, Troy Palumalu vomits a little bit in his mouth.

5:15PM – 3 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

Marvin Lewis address his team before heading out to complete walk-throughs, warm-ups, and pregame ceremonies.

Marvin Lewis: “Ask not what your team can do for you; ask what you can do for your team. I have a dream that tonight this team will rise up and live out the true meaning of being a Cincinnati Bengal. And after the fight has ended, I hope to stand before you as your leader and declare one thing: Mission Accomplished. Gentlemen I want you to remember one thing tonight: a victory is one small step for this season, but one giant leap for seasons to come. So go out there and give it all you’ve got and win just one for the Gipper because blessed are the victors; for they shall inherit the Division. Amen.”

7:00PM – 1 hour, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Mr. Brown declined to travel for a Thursday night game in chilly Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and with pregame coverage commencing, he decides instead to sit down with his latest Netflix arrival. There will be no tuning in to tonight’s contest between his Bengals and the hated Steelers because even Mike Brown is too cheap to pay for the NFL Network.

(Ed.’s Note: Thanks to Charlie Hustle for some inspiration for this complete waste of your time.)

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL, The Nasty Boys | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

At Least I Still Have The Bengals…Right?

Posted by Matt on November 19, 2008

Last night’s Kentucky at North Carolina basketball game:

train-wreck

(Dramatization.)

“The Debacle in the Dean Dome.” That’s what they’re calling it.

And by they I mean me.

Kentucky narrowly escaped a mere single-digit loss thanks to 28 turnovers to start the 2008-2009 campaign 0-2 for only the third time in the program’s storied history. North Carolina now sits just 14 wins shy of Kentucky’s all-time mark — the one record Wildcat fans have grabbed at straws with as the glory has faded from this once-dominant regime. A 19-point Tar Heel victory kicked off ESPN’s college basketball coverage with the #1 team in the Nation’s two best players idly watching from the bench as if to say, “the team doesn’t need us for these has-beens.”

I woke up this morning — much like ZRO did post-VMI embarrassment — hoping it was all a bad dream. That the visions of that rat Roy Williams applauding gleefully from the sidelines and Dickie V.’s 18 Duke/Coach K. references were all merely nightmares within the depths of my slumber.

A nightmare it may have been but oh-so-real it was.

I immediately headed for the showers, hoping to wash away the stank of losing and searching for a single glimmer of hope in the coming weeks — and unfortunately it’s not Longwood (that’s what she said) at home next Monday.

In fact, as I stepped out of the shower it dawned on me: at least I still have the Bengals…right?

My much maligned band of nobodies is on a three week non-losing streak. Something that cannot be said about the basketball OR football Wildcats.

Cincy completely bamboozled the Eagles on Sunday, snatching a tie from the jaws of victory after tricking Donovan McNabb in to believing that there were no ties in the NFL, that the next step would be penalty kicks.

Only the Bengals could provide such heart-warming tales like the acquisition of lineman Digger Bujnoch, literally signed out of the West Side of Cincinnati after no other NFL team would have him. A man who once earned a paycheck delivering Salisbury steaks to Mike Brown while working for his parents’ catering company, Booj’s, is now suiting up for the orange and black attack (I can’t make this stuff up).

And it is fitting this holiday season that the Bengals are now staffed primarily by players left behind by teams that lack the foresight of Cincy’s front office as Mike Brown’s heart has grown three sizes this season. The Digger Bujnochs, the Chris Crockers (surprisingly not this Chris Crocker), and even the Cedric Bensons are our very own Island of Misfit Toys a la the Christmas classic Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.

While I agonize in the state of my basketball Wildcats I still have these Bengals…my Bengals.

No other team could provide the emotional roller coaster ride or the laughs as the Bengals can. No other team could tug at the spirit with stories of sacrifice and redemption…for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th times. And no other team’s best player has gradually grown to resemble Little Richard since his arrival:

littles

So when you’re gathered around the dinner table next week with your families for Thanksgiving, remember what you DO have (Chris Henry and Mike Brown) instead of what you DON’T have (a winning record after two games, ball security, a viable option at point guard, or a sober head coach) because, hey, at least we’re not Louisville fans:

louserville

“Lewisveele!”

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA Basketball, NFL | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

That Was Depressing

Posted by Matt on November 18, 2008

If you had 23rd Turnover in the “When would MJ turn off the Kentucky game to do laundry for tomorrow?” Pool, please step forward to claim your prize.

Winner receives a coupon redeemable for one date-night with Charlie Hustle to the Spearmint Rhino…which is certainly more exciting than watching Kentucky basketball…

Posted in Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA Basketball | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Comparing Teams By The Numbers

Posted by Matt on November 13, 2008

Below is a side-by-side comparison of two current anonymous college football powerhouses that have a legitimate shot at, if not inside track to, the BCS National Championship game. I use the term “anonymous” loosely because if you really sit and think about how the numbers are laid out, you can figure out the two teams fairly quickly and that my lead to a personal bias. So don’t do that. Take an objective look at these numbers for victories only and realize how impressive both sides really are.

Weekly Margins Of Victory

Team A

Team B

1

25

46

2

16

23

3

36

4

42

24

5

6

30

31

7

6

30

8

18

9

42

58

10

6

39

11

36

28

Total Games

10

8

Total Points For/Against

479-232

355-76

Average Scores

47.900-23.200

44.375-9.500

Average Margin

24.7

34.875

# Of Ranked Opponents

3

2

Bold margins denotes games against ranked opponents.

The majority of each teams’ column is comprised of that week’s margin of victory as opposed to score just to mask the games some and to look at games in a more basic fashion. Team B is scoring nearly as much per game as is Team A — and against a similar number of ranked opponents — while allowing far fewer points on defense. Of course Team A has been more consistently good accounting for 10 games versus Team B’s 8.

Which is the better team between Team A and Team B? You decide. Is either team the best team in the Nation? Who knows. And will these two teams play in the BCS National Championship? Only time will tell.

Two things that are for certain, however, is that both teams are playing some of the best — if not THE best — football in the country right now and a lot has to happen before any of the above questions can be answered. But by that time, answering the above questions will be that much easier.

Either way, the comparisons are remarkable. College football at its best.

P.S. If you haven’t already figured it out yet, Team A is Texas Tech and Team B is Florida…but don’t tell anyone, it will be our little secret…

Posted in NCAA Football | Tagged: , | Comments Off on Comparing Teams By The Numbers

Charlie Hustle’s Quote Of The Day

Posted by Matt on November 12, 2008

Ed.’s Note: Once again, this gem was left on my desktop by the legendary Charlie Hustle…

Regarding ESPN’s “The Talented Mr. Roto” Matthew Berry and this article: ESPN.com

“He’s a fantasy football expert which officially puts him on the women attractiveness scale right below toll booth worker.  It’s like he meets some chick at the bar and when she politely asks him what he does for a living and he responds ‘Fantasy Football Expert,’ there is absolutely no follow up question given; the same confused look as if he said child rapist.”

Other Charlie Hustle Randmoness:

Posted in General Sports | Tagged: , , , | Comments Off on Charlie Hustle’s Quote Of The Day

Jared Lorenzen Has A Son?

Posted by Matt on November 11, 2008

bilde

I normally don’t post on things making rounds through the blogosphere (Ed. Note: with the exception of Allison Stokke) because by the time I find something, too many bloggers have already had something to say and probably said it better/funnier than I can.

That being said, I just couldn’t pass on this one.

Coming to us via Varsity 845 is the story of Ellenville (NY) Central High School senior quarterback Tony Casamento, who tips the scales at 305 pounds. Yes, their quarterback weighs as much as a college lineman.

Now I am not going to go on record making fun of this fatass because I think he has some sort of glandular problem or something; I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.

What I will point out is the striking resemblance young Tony has to former University of Kentucky quarterback Jared Lorenzen, who also topped out at well over 300 pounds during his food-destructing prime.

3dc8b4688d957-53-1

The inevitable comparisons have conjured up memories of Kentucky football seasons gone by, recalling such endearing Lorenzen nicknames as “The Hefty Lefty,” “Pillsbury Throwboy,” “The Round Mound Of Touchdown,” and “U.S.S. Lorenzen.”

Ah, those were the good ol’ days.

So to Casamento I say: If nobody else accepts you as a transpositioned quarterback (I know its tough feeling like one person stuck in the body of another), know that you have a home being a fat quarterback in Lexington.

We’ll even save the #22 jersey for you.

Posted in Kentucky Wildcats | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Election Day Redux: If I Were President

Posted by Matt on November 4, 2008

Ed.’s Note: This piece first ran two days after the Super Bowl on “Super Tuesday” in February at the start of the Presidential campaigns.  Enjoy (hopefully) on this Election Day…

mattsseal333

All of this Super Tuesday talk has really gotten me in the mood to talk politics.  Wait, who am I kidding?  I could careless about politics unless Boomer Esiason is running for the Oval Office; however, I do know what I would do if I were ever elected to office.

If I’m President…

  • The Monday after the Super Bowl will be a National holiday. – How many of you took any time off of work this past Monday?  1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…11…12…wow, OK, let’s try this again.  How many of you WENT to work on Monday?  1…2…….5.  A total of five.  The five who went to work on Monday does not include yours truly.
  • The White House will be repainted Kentucky blue and renamed accordingly. – GO BIG BLUE!
  • The phrase “Play ball!” will be recited by everyone in the Chamber prior to the State of the Union Address. – Self explanatory.
  • Every American citizen will get the first two days of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament off to “do their taxes.” – Let’s be honest, you already have your taxes e-filed with H&R Block software, and with direct deposit you’ll have your return before Valentine’s Day (and thank God because the old lady has REALLY been riding your ass this year) but upper management doesn’t have to know this.
  • The Presidential safe-haven known as “Camp David” will be relocated to Sarasota, Florida in February and March. – It will also be renamed “Reds’ Spring Training.”
  • All state-side National Hockey League teams will be relocated to Canada.  Permanently. – If I could have ever followed that damn puck on television, the NHL might have stood more of a chance.  Sorry guys, but it’s nothing personal.
  • All East-coast ESPN offices will be relocated to the West Coast.  Permanently. –  We’re all tired of hearing about the New England Patriots, the Duke Blue Devils, and Big Ten football.  Sorry guys, but it’s likely personal.
  • Congress will be comprised of the winning teams of the World Series, the Super Bowl, and the NBA Finals, along with the winners of the Master’s Tournament, the Indianapolis 500, the Daytona 500, and the Kentucky Derby — the horse, not the jockey. – These athletes are likely more recognizable than anyone ACTUALLY in Congress now and most of them could probably make better decisions as well — the horse included.
  • September 2nd will be a National Day of Remembrance. – It’s Adolph Rupp’s birthday.  It’s the least you can do.
  • Instead of “Carbon Offsets” for corporations there will be “Dick Vitale Offsets.” – And ESPN will have to buy a whole hell of a lot of them if they ever want to hear Dickie V. talk again.
  • And finally: Ric Flair will be my Vice President, Billy Gillispie will be my Chief of Staff, Pete Rose will be my Secretary of the Treasury, Ken Griffey Junior will be my Secretary of Defense, Rich Brooks will be my director of F.E.M.A. (for rebuilding), Chad Johnson will be my Press Secretary, and Erin Andrews will be my First Lady. – Need I say more?

erinandrews.jpg

Posted in General Sports | Tagged: | 6 Comments »

Quest For Perfection

Posted by Matt on October 30, 2008

The “Mike Brown Urinal Target” coming to a Greater Cincinnati truck stop near you!

The Cincinnati Bungles (henceforth they are to be known only as the “Cincinnati Bungles” until further notice) maintained their quest for perfection on Sunday falling to the Houston Texans 35-6 and in doing so appeared to be, quite possibly, the worst football team in the history of teams. Now the Bungles being shitty is not a new phenomenon — obviously — and at the core of the problem is an 18 year long festering boil that needed to be lanced a long time ago in the form of the tenure of Mike Brown.

Now I’ve thought long and hard on how to verbalize the central issue plaguing the Cincinnati Bungles and how I am relatively sure that it is an unsolvable problem outside of the commissioner of the NFL, Der Fuhrer Goodell, stepping in at some point on the grounds of competitive balance and/or obligation to the fans of Cincinnati.

In the past I have targeted many topics as the basis for the Bungles’ weaknesses:

What I have come to realize is that the issue cannot be narrowed down to one particular culprit and the problem is, however, very deeply rooted in the culture of the organization starting at the very top and reaching deep in to the annals of Paul Brown Stadium.

However, on the surface the problem can be best described by a three-pronged explanation:

  1. Front Office Failure: Cincinnati is one of (I believe) only three teams that operates without a general manager (and thus the owner is the de facto GM) — with the other two teams being the Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders — and it is clear that owner Mike Brown knows little-to-nothing about evaluating football talent. If Mr. Brown was a football genius or he was willing to constantly throw as much money in to the team as needed to field a winner, I would have no problem with this. Obviously, however, neither are the case when it comes to Cincinnati. The Bungles also employ the lowest number of scouts and executives of any team in the NFL.
  2. Keeping It In The Family: Nepotism is certainly not something that Mike Brown can deny since some of his top executives consist of his brother Pete, daughter Katie (Blackburn), son-in-law Troy Blackburn, and son Paul. The rest of the organization is comprised mainly of a host of characters that have befriended Mikey along the way and thus have found themselves in good favor with the organization. The culture will never change if the most important personnel’s ideology never changes and instead only continues to proliferate within the same family.
  3. Bungalization: This may be the hardest to explain but also may be the most detrimental issue at the same time. If it ever appears that there is some sort of curse on the Bungles that is because there is…kind of. I call it the “Bungalization” of players. This means, simply, that either consciously or subconsciously players on the Bungles have bought in to the historical deficiencies of the franchise, as well as their inability to win and win often while in Cincinnati. This effect then shows in the on-field performances without anybody fully realizing that these players are not playing to what their full potential might be with another team, thus giving off the appearance that the Bungles are “cursed.” It is the reciprocal to the reason that the New England Patriots can get more out of an aging player when other teams have left their career for dead. Bungalization then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and a self-perpetuating problem in a never ending vicious cycle.

Taking all issues in to account, the three-pronged explanation is the best attempt at condensing the Bungles woes in to three paragraphs but it still doesn’t operationalize everything that is wrong with the franchise. I don’t think that I have failed to fully explain myself but I do believe that a video circling YouTube (and courtesy of The Meaningful Collateral) better explains the subject in a manner that is easier to visualize:

This is the best description of what is ailing this franchise and it comes in the form of a brilliant four minute video. Things may or may not change in Cincinnati with another failed season, unfortunately more likely the latter, but perpetual hope that something will be done to turn things around is the lone driving force that keeps me coming back each season.

But for the time being at least we can see exactly why the current Cincinnati Bungles are on their quest for perfection this season.

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | Tagged: | Comments Off on Quest For Perfection

A Friend Of The Site Is Joining The Site

Posted by Matt on October 28, 2008

Exciting news for me is a long-time friend of mine and a long-time friend of the site will be joining us with his insights. This comes at a perfect time with the college and NFL football seasons in full force, college basketball season just around the corner, and my conscientious effort to return to blogging.  You will know him as ZRO and he’s as much of an avid Kentucky Wildcats as I am so now there’s not one, but two of us.  You’ve been warned.  Other items of interest for my man ZRO are lacrosse, MILFs, late-night walks on white, sandy beaches, and beer — so he’ll fit right in around here.

ZRO has a lot on his mind and I am confident that you will not only enjoy what he has to say but find that his thoughts incite a high-quality level of discussion and debate.  ZRO’s first post will drop in the very near future so look forward to that and get excited about what is to come.  If you can’t get excited about what is going on around here these days you may want to check your pulse (or maybe even consider Viagra).

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Charlie Hustle’s Question Of The Day

Posted by Matt on October 27, 2008

Ed.’s Note: This gem was left on my desktop by the legendary Charlie Hustle…

What was the biggest reason for Sunday’s 35-6 loss at houston?

A) Marvin is an Exstacy addict and always seems too happy.

B) Mike Brown is secretly down $10 million to his bookie.

C) Ryan Fitzpatrick is Akili Smith in white face.

D) Paul Brown’s ghost hates black coaches.

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | Tagged: , | 3 Comments »

Bone To Pick

Posted by Matt on October 25, 2008

I have a bone to pick and I am going to talk about it right now.

You see, I have been in many debates regarding the best college football conference in America (I say it is the Big 12 right now, contrary to what many might guess when they think of me).  Now I need to note that I have been in these arguments against my own will because I am the type of guy that doesn’t give a shit.  I worry about Kentucky (and whatever is best for Kentucky) and that is about it.  I don’t have an opinion about much of anything else in life, especially the Big Ten conference (hell, I am not even a voter….*gasp*).

Regardless, there are people in my life who are Ohio State fans and thus they are Big Ten fans (aren’t there eleven teams in that conference?) who insist on debating with me on the best college football conference in America, the Big Ten or the SEC…(even though I don’t want to debate and I still say the Big 12 right now), as well as arguing the general shaft Ohio State apparently gets in the media, the rankings, etcetera.

The first argument I have heard is that with Beanie Wells, the Ohio State versus Southern California game would’ve been a whole different game (apparently one that wasn’t a blowout).  Well you know what, with last years offense, this year’s Kentucky defense would be undefeated.  Unfortunately Woodson and Company aren’t here anymore and that is just part of the game; a team has to adapt to what they do and don’t have.  Excuses are like assholes, everyone has got one but they all stink.

The second argument I have heard came two weeks ago when the new college football rankings came out and Texas Tech was ranked higher than an Ohio State team that had been recently embarrassed by USC this season…and LSU a year ago…and, oh yeah, Florida two years ago.  A certain friend of mine could not believe that Texas Tech was ranked higher than Ohio State.  Why did he/she feel this way?  Because he/she applied the same type of stereotype to Texas Tech (that they aren’t a historically good team) that most top 25 poll voters apply to their entire voting repertoire: if you were good 20 years ago, you’re good now and if you’re not a member of the college football elite, you don’t stand a chance.

Oh, by the way, Texas Tech beat #23 Kansas 63-21 today…

The third argument isn’t so much as an argument as it is just me ranting.  Watch this week’s Georgia versus LSU game and then watch this week’s Penn State versus Ohio State game and get a real grasp on the snooze fest that Big Ten football presents.  3-3 at Halftime?  Come. On.

To me, Ohio State fans are like the annoying WWE superstar who won’t admit defeat even when he loses a cage match to The Undertaker for the championship at WrestleMania.  They’re a “never-say-die” species no matter what the outcome is.  And yes, I agree, there is something to be said about perpetual support but there is also a fine line between what is realistic and what is simply annoying as all hell.

It may just be me but I have a strong desire for humility in all aspects of life and it often seems to me that Ohio State fans (and many other teams’ fans — I am looking at you, Kentucky basketball fanatics) not only lack the modesty that is required to be successful in college football but they also expect to be represented highly by the rankings, regardless of what happens on the field.

I realize that I am more pessimistic about my teams than most people are; however, what can you expect from a guy who has dealt with the futility of Kentucky football and the Cincinnati Reds as well as the obsurdity of the Cincinnati Bengals?

All that it takes to be a tolerable fan is to have some self-awareness about your team as well as legitimate expectations regarding results, rankings, and the media.

Except for the Bengals, they don’t deserve the time of day.

Posted in NCAA Football | Tagged: | 3 Comments »

Someone Forgot To Tell Kentucky They Had A Game Today

Posted by Matt on October 25, 2008

Discuss this article now over at ACC vs. SEC!: Someone Forgot To Tell Kentucky They Had A Game Today

The last time the University of Kentucky Wildcats were ran out of a football stadium it was a 49-0 loss on the road to LSU during the 2006 season.  At that moment the Cats were 3-4 and at an impasse, if you will, on the season, forced to dig deep in order to recover.  The rest, as they say, is history.

Kentucky decided to finish strong, going 5-1 in their remaining six gamest including a victory over Clemson in the Music City Bowl, the Wildcats’ first Bowl game in seven years (at the time) and first Bowl victory since 1984.

Fast forward to 2008.  After an electrifying, albeit very late, 13 point comeback in the final five minutes of last week’s game against Arkansas, the Cats looked poised to turn their season around with quarterback Mike Hartline’s new found confidence — he did, after all, earn an ESPN helmet sticker for his two touchdown passes in the final four minutes against the Razorbacks.

Today, Kentucky took their 5-2 squad and 7th ranked scoring defense in to The Swamp to take on the mighty Florida Gators team that hung 51 points on the road against the same school that last dismantled my Wildcats.  The problem is someone forgot to tell Kentucky they had a game today.

Florida scored 28 points in the first 12 minutes of the game — including two one-play touchdown drives on the heels of back-to-back blocked punts of Kentucky’s Tim Masthay.  Trust me, it didn’t get any prettier after that.  Add another blocked kick in the form of a Lones Seiber field goal attempt to go along with a Mike Hartline interception returned for a touchdown to start the Second Half and you have yourself the ingredients for a world class blowout.

Throw in some other random plays that were probably poorly defended (sorry for the lack of detail but I just couldn’t bear to watch) and you have a final score of 63-5 with a special thanks going to Florida punter Chas Henry for the botched punt that nearly doubled our score with a safety late in the 4th Quarter.  We needed all the help we could get.

After today’s embarrassing loss — coming two years to the month after the aforementioned spanking at the hands of LSU — many fans may be asking: where do we go from here?

Contrary to what some my expect, I am going to leave the crucifying to another blogger and go out on a limb and say that rest assured, Kentucky can still go up;  the wheels haven’t fallen off just yet.  Coach Brooks still has this team in a much better position now than it was when he inherited it in 2003 and anyone who disagrees can look directly at the recruiting classes between 2002 and 2009 (not to mention those two Music City Bowl victories he has lying around).

According to Scout.com, the 2002 recruiting class for the University of Kentucky contained 1 4-star, 1 3-star, and 17 1-star recruits.  In contrast, Brooks’ current class of 2009 high school graduates is comprised of 1 5-star, 1 4-star, 11 3-stars, 5 2-stars recruits, and only 1 1-star recruit, good enough for the 23rd best recruiting class in the Nation.

Unfortunately some reading this will say that the 2009 class cannot help us now and they’d be 100% correct.  But this blogger is not giving up on what the Wildcats still have on the field this year, understanding that there is a lot of talent that is no longer on the field thanks to injuries — most notably ones of the season-ending variety to super play makers Dicky Lyons, Jr. and Derrick Locke.

Kentucky is just a mere win away from being Bowl eligible for the third straight year and if the Wildcats can manage to squeak in to post-season play this season, it will be the first time since the Paul “Bear” Bryant era of the 1950s that this team has gone to three straight Bowl games, adding to the history the Rich Brooks-led Wildcats have already made.

At the end of the day Big Blue Nation never expected to beat Florida today, let alone win the National Championship this year, but what fans of Kentucky did expect is another Bowl appearance and another Bowl victory and both are still well within reach and that is what is most important, especially for recruiting.

Nevermind today’s loss; what is done is done and fans need to quickly move on because a loss by 58 and a loss by less than 8 are both still losses.  As embarrassed as I am by today’s performance, as many Big Blue fans are, we must implore the team to press on and come home from Starkville with a victory next week, setting the table for a three game stretch that includes Georgia and Tennessee with (hopefully) Bowl eligibility already in hand.

Despite the fact that the first exhibition basketball game is just 12 days from today, I urge the Wildcat faithful to not look towards basketball season too quickly.  Granted someone forgot to tell Kentucky they had a game today but I am confident that it won’t happen again.

Not, at least, with what is on the line for the Cats over the next four games: making history.

Posted in Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA Football | Tagged: | 3 Comments »

Bengal Astrology Points To Cincy Upset

Posted by Matt on October 25, 2008

Yes, I realize just 24 hours ago I wrote off the Bengals and left them for dead.  Literally.  And no, I am not going back on my word — I really do think that Cincinnati has solidified their future of futility.  However, the “Who Dey Horoscopes” are projecting a Bengals victory, for what it’s worth.

The last time the Bengals started 0-7 was during the 2002 campaign. Cincy’s eighth game?  A November 3rd outing against the Houston Texans in the Lone Star State.  The result?  A 38-3 orange and black victory.

Obviously I don’t expect this apparently anemic offense to hang 38 points on Houston while holding them to just a field goal tomorrow in Reliant Stadium.  Mind you, the 2002 Texans were still a hapless expansion franchise and while they haven’t turned the corner much since then, Matt Schaub and Company are a better team now than they were then.  However, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the coincidence is rather remarkable and at 2-4, the Texans are still not that much better of a team than the Bengals.

The last time quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick played an NFL game in Houston — or a game against the Texans for that matter — was during the 2005 season as a member of the Saint Louis Rams.  The result?  A 33-27 come-from-behind victory in which Fitzy replaced an injured Jamie Martin early in the game and proceeded to go 19-30 for 310 yards and three touchdowns.

The Texans are ranked 17th in passing giving up 216.8 yards per game and nine total touchdowns on the season.  This neither lends itself to a particularly poor or particularly strong performance for the Bengals’ signal caller but with what should be more time in the pocket, Fitzpatrick is poised to post some of the best numbers of he and the Bengals’ slow start.  Cincinnati showed signs of taking down-field shots last week against Pittsburgh and with yet another week of practice as the starter for Fitzpatrick and a defense far less impressive than that of the Steelers, look for this trend to continue (deep passes are the easy part, it remains to be seen when and if they’ll begin to complete them).

The last time running back Cedric Benson was in the state of Texas he was a member of the University of Texas Longhorns.  The result?  5,577 career rushing yards and 64 touchdowns in four seasons and a 4th overall selection of 2005 NFL Draft.

Houston is ranked 22nd in rushing defense giving up 122 yards per game and 11 total touchdowns on the season including at least one rushing score in every game.  If the Bengals’ deficient offensive line can put together an inspired performance this week, Benson and the Cincinnati rushing attack (I’m using the word “attack” loosely) may finally put together a complete game despite being a unit ranked 31st (out of 32 teams) in total rushing offense at 73.9 yards per game.

The late line this week has the Houston Texans as a 9.5 favorites over the Cincinnati Bengals, which comes as no surprise to many with the way The Queen City’s boys have played thus far.  Being favored, however, is still relatively new territory for the Texans — especially this season with their only wins coming against the Miami Dolphins and the also-win less Detroit Lions.

Being new at being favored and playing a team that doesn’t appear to be a winner even at the college level leaves Houston primed for an upset on their home turf.  All of the stars are aligned for the Bengals to notch their first victory in the 2008 calendar year, despite the spread, because as the old adage goes, even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while.

(But if the Bengals lose, we can forget I ever said any of this.)

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | Tagged: | Comments Off on Bengal Astrology Points To Cincy Upset

The Obituary

Posted by Matt on October 24, 2008

tombstone2tBENGALS, Cincinnati. The Bengals, 40, passed away late Sunday night, October 19th, at their home in Paul Brown Stadium in Ohio. The Bengals were preceded in death by patriarch Paul Brown (I), of Ohio, as well as by The Houston Oilers and Anna Nicole Smith, both of Texas. The Bengals fathered one, lone Hall-of-Famer, Anthony Muñoz, 50, of California and were also survived by their owner Mike Brown, 71, of Ohio, along with Katie (Brown) Blackburn, Troy Blackburn, and Paul Brown (II), all also of Ohio, as well as a handful of remaining fans. The Bengals died from a long bout of Internal Cancer despite intermittent years of remission (’73, ’75, ’76, ’81, ’86, ’88, ’90, & ’05) in which they could never quite fully recover. More recently the Bengals acquired additional ailments of Dave Shula, David Klingler, diabetes, Bruce Coslet, Akili Smith, and multiple marijuana possessions that only added to the pain and suffering of their final years on this mortal Earth. Unfortunately for The Bengals, their Internal Cancer came at a time in history when their closest management was unable (or unwilling) to spend the money needed to afford the knowledge and know-how to permanently cure their conditions. Tragically, The Bengals finally left us after succumbing to a three-and-a-half hour battle to the viral Pittsburgh Steelers late Sunday afternoon. Public visitations will be held at their home in Paul Brown Stadium on November 2nd, November 16th, November 30th, December 14th, and December 28th. Final interment will be on the grounds of their property in Ohio and assisting with the formal funeral services as Paul Bearers will be The Jacksonville Jaguars, The Philadelphia Eagles, The Baltimore Ravens, The Washington Redskins, The Kansas City Chiefs, and Bill Cowher. In lieu of flowers, the closest survivors of the departed are asking that donations be made in memory of The Bengals to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, so that one day all terminally ill football teams can experience their dream of a Super Bowl ring, or to the “Mike Brown Sucks Campaign” found here: MikeBrownSucks.com. The Cincinnati Bengals were loved by some, envied by a few, and better than none. R.I.P., 2008.

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Bringing Blogging Back

Posted by Matt on October 22, 2008

It has been nearly seven weeks since I have posted here on TNB and a lot has happened in my hiatus.  The Bengals signed a criminal (again), Pacman Jones was suspended (again), and we landed on the Moon — and no, these aren’t your father’s headlines.

OK, maybe two of three happened but the bottom line is that I’ve been silent for too long.  I have got a lot on my mind and it is high time I got back to the basics.  I’m bringing blogging back.

TNB came to a point where we bit off more than we could chew and blogging became so overwhelming that I went all Ricky Williams and disappeared for two months.  But that has changed and I hope to make my return this Friday with a Halloween-themed post a week before my favorite holiday.

Tell all of your friends.  Put the women and children to bed.   It’s starting all over again.

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