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Posted by Matt on March 31, 2009

Amidst the John Calipari-to-Kentucky turmoil yesterday afternoon this very site surpassed the 1,000,000 hit mark going back to June of 2007  I never thought we’d see numbers like that regardless of how long it took so I appreciate the many (or few) that made this happen and those of you that take the time to comment and engage in fun, interesting, and informative sports banter — that’s what Charlie Hustle and I had in mind back in early 2007, just after the New Year, when the idea for TNB was born.

Thanks goes to all the guys here that post when they can, regardless of how frequently or infrequently;  I realize we’re all busy and it has been a fun ride doing all this with people I call friends.

I hope any of you still around now that things have slowed down in 2009 have enjoyed what we have had to offer along the way and I hope for many more moments in the future.



Posted in The Nasty Boys | 6 Comments »

Get Your Tin Foil Hats Out Because…

Posted by Matt on March 30, 2009


It must be admitted that I have very few links to support any of my quotes (I’ll add video clips/links as soon as possible) or any of my theories…get your scorecards ready, folks…

11:45AM UPDATE: Here is an ESPN link with an Andy Katz-on-Mike and Mike in the Morning video along with a Jay Bilas-on-Mike and Mike audio link supporting some of the statements below:

-The ESPN Machine

ESPN’s Colin Cowherd mentioned on his radio show that Memphis isn’t with the likes of UK, UNC, UCLA, and that the job in Lexington is a “top five” position. Colin mentioned John Calipari “has to take the Kentucky job” and that Lexington is a “beautiful city,” among other things.  Andy Katz has added that he thinks Coach Cal is coming to Kentucky, that this move “changes the face of SEC basketball,” and that the hire would automatically make the Wildcats a team to play for again among the other top programs.  I have also heard Jay Bilas (“I would go there in a heartbeat if I were John Calipari”) and Doug Gottlieb (“Kentucky is KENTUCKY”) being on the Cal-to-Kentucky bandwagon.  So what am I getting at?

ESPN has a gozillion dollar SEC basketball television contract starting next season and for a network that the Cat fanatics normally decry as being overwhelmingly “against” Kentucky, all of the talking heads have quickly started playing a new tune despite most saying just days ago that Kentucky didn’t give Billy Clyde Gillispie a fair shake at life in Lexington.  This after claiming the Kentucky crazies “ran” Tubby” out of town two years ago.  A change of tune indeed. (2:15PM Update: ESPN’s home page now has this article –front and center — to go along with the Coach Cal speculation,  Maybe the tune at ESPN hasn’t completely changed, at least on the hit-or-miss “Page 2”.)

Could the ESPN machine be thinking ratings if they can continue to hype John Calipari as the new head honcho of Kentucky basketball?  Is ESPN trying to get back in to the good graces of Big Blue Nation with the SEC deal on the horizon?  Just keep in mind that ESPN is, ultimately, a business…that’s all I’m asking.

-Coach Calipari Is Playing His Cards

I’ve heard a small buzz about John Calipari’s historical use of the tease to get more money out of his current employer.  Many Cats fans lurking around the message boards are overlooking this minor detail and some are eving saying Calipari heading north is a “done deal.”  What I somewhat suspect and eternally fear is that Coach Cal is flirting with Kentucky to receive a hefty pay raise from Memphis.

It wouldn’t be unprecedented and should be less than unexpected if it does, in fact, go down.

-Benedict Arnold Is Mettling In Kentucky Affairs

Kentucky lurkers thought it was a forgone conclusion that Billy Donovan was heading to Lexington back then and some “sources” even reported an Eddie Munster resignation just last Friday.   However, it was rumored that Rick Pitino advised Billy Donovan to pass on the Kentucky job two years ago and head for higher ground — ground that ended up being Orlando and then Gainseville again.   Most of the The Faithful think Pitino feared Donovan heading to Kentucky and one-upping his former boss (Donovan was an assistant under Ricky P. during the Kentucky glory days), some suspect that’s why Pitino “advised” his former underling to turn down the nation’s winningest program, and even a few even suggest it has happened yet again.

Coach Pitino also suggested that Arkansas’ John Pelphrey and Oklahoma State’s Travis Ford, both of who were players at Kentucky under Pitino, would be sure-fire hires in his (not-so-) humble opinion (  While I like Coach Ford and feel he’s done well at Campbellsville, Eastern Kentucky, Massachusetts, and Oklahoma State, some also feel he doesn’t have the experience necessary to right the Big Blue Ship despite having the Kentucky ties and having the familiarity with the fanatical Cats fans.  Ditto that for Coach Pelphrey with an even less-impressive track record (no offense intended, but he missed postseason play in a “down” SEC this year with a losing conference record and a losing overall record).

Is Pitino trying to flex his muscle just enough to remain King of the Bluegrass?  Could he fear a head-to-head and in-state rivalry with the likes of John Calipari (one which may already exist, if only in some people’s eyes)?

Only the man in the white suit has those answers.


It should be noted that I enjoyed seeing Louisville lose yesterday and have now said for more than one year that Rick Pitino is looking increasingly sickly on the sidelines. I am having more and more people confirm my observations as he looked utterly exhausted after yesterday’s loss.

I would also like to add that on this very site (in a comments thread) I had this to say about the nation’s number one #1 seed:

“Lewisveele only beat Kensucky by 3 on a luck last second shot by Edgar ‘Don’t Call Me Sammy’ Sosa.

They’re overrated and they’ll under perform in the tourney according to ‘expert’ expectations like they have every year except their lone Final Four year under Benedict Arnold. They didn’t even play one of the upper half of the hardest Big East schedules.”

Posted in Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA Basketball | Comments Off on Get Your Tin Foil Hats Out Because…

I’m Just Happy To Be Here

Posted by Matt on March 5, 2009


“Stone Cold” Marvin Lewis was stoic as usual during the formal introduction of Laveranues Coles as a Bengal.  If the writing isn’t on the wall then Marv’s face at least paints the picture and I think he knows as well as we do that it ain’t looking rosey.

That is the face of a beaten man.

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | Comments Off on I’m Just Happy To Be Here

Bengals Musings

Posted by Matt on March 5, 2009


Very much contradictory to my half-drunken predictions, the Bengals have resigned Cedric Benson to go along with Lavernezilli Coles signing in what are now the marquee moves for Cincinnati this offseason. All must be right in the Bengal Nation.  Bengal-mania is back!  WHO DEY!

Well, probably not, but I like to look at the bandwagon as having a revolving door to fit my needs.

-Hanoi Hobson’s old school spin.

Not quite sure how I missed this one last week but my current level of excitement cannot be contained so much that I have been trolling all morning and looking specifically at the wide receiver situation.  On February 23, Hanoi had this to say about Jerry Simpson:

“I know a lot of people inside and outside the Bengals fear Simpson is a bust but, to his great credit, Lewis has always backed Simpson to the hilt. So much so that Lewis seemed to be coaxing Palmer to get more in Simpson’s camp.

All I know is this: In 20 preseason and regular-season games last year, only one wide receiver actually made a downfield catch longer than 40 yards, and it was Simpson. Forget it was the preseason and it was a throwaway launched by and into a bunch of second-half backups. The kid jumped up and made a play, and that exactly hasn’t been happening around here.”

Yeah, please forget that 40+ yard catch was in the American Legion’s annual Celebrity Flag Football Game For The Cure and Jerry was being hilariously covered by local “celeb” Nick Lachey in the short-nonathletic-white-dude-competes-against-large-athletic-black-man irony that the average American loves.  Simpson (“Largest WR hands at the 2008 NFL Combine!”) had 1 reception for 2 yards the entire season.  True story.

I think Brett Favre had that in his first completion with Green Bay and last I heard he wasn’t a wide receiver nor was he coming out of retirement (yet).

-Bengals fans are collectively retarded. — My apologies to the retarded, being compared to a Bengals fan really paints those folks in a bad light.

Today’s fan poll on begs the question, “What do you think of the Laveranues Coles signing?” and 71% went with “Great move – now we have a deep corps  of receivers (Ed.’s Note: Citation needed.)“.  23.9% said, “It’s OK — doesn’t wow me either way (Ed.’s Note: That’s what she said.)while 5.9% decided that it was a “Bad move — he’s no TJ”.

Let me preface my belligerent ramblings by saying I have no problems with Laveranues Coles and I actually didn’t mind the signing overall.  He seems like a class act, something that has been a rarity in recent history, and 4 of the last 5 seasons he has somehow found a way on to my fantasy team, with me having no recollection of actually drafting him or picking him up from the waiver wire, and performed sufficiently. (I will also add to the preface that a fourth choice of “It is a decent signing but the offensive line is still shitty” is a conspicuously absent option from the fan poll.)

However, the 71% of fans that are overly enthusiastic about the signing of Coles are indicative of a fan base that goes through life looking through orange-colored lenses and it really chaps my ass.  These are the same delusional human beings that buy in to the “Bengals finished strong” argument because the team went 4-3-1 in the last 8 games despite the fact the 4 wins were against divisional bottom-feeders with a combined .297 winning percentage.

I witnessed this problem up close in training camp last summer.  The exact same fans would show up every day covered in Bengals schwag from head to toe, begging for autographs from players half their age as if proving their blind, undying loyalty makes them better people than their unemployed reality portrays.  These are the same mongrels that show up every Sunday to Paul Brown Stadium, rain or shine, and plop their fat asses in uncomfortable chairs with their overpriced cheese coneys and $9 beers, helping to ensure that Mike Brown will have to change very little to continue making his millions.

-Please, please, PLEASE don’t use high draft picks on a running back or wide receiver.

Especially not after drafting three wide receivers last year (Simpson/Caldwell/Urrutia) and signing another one as a college free agent (Maurice Purify).  Benson and company in the backfield plus any combination of Ocho Cinco/Coles/Henry/Simpson/Your Mom may not be the best offense in the league, but the Bengals have far more pressing issues at this point than the skill positions.

Mr. Hobson initially agrees that the Benson/Coles signings will free up the draft for Cincinnati but quickly returns to usual form by claiming that wide receiver Michael Crabtree is still an option, especially now that Seattle has addressed their needs with Houshmazoad:

“The Bengals have plenty of needs, but they don’t have a gaping hole that they must fill with the No. 6 or No. 38 picks. Particularly at No. 6, where they can now take anything, and that includes Texas Tech wide receiver Michael Crabtree if he slips because of his foot stress fracture. But, if someone wants to jump and get Crabtree, now the Bengals have the luxury of trading down if they want to talk turkey at No. 6.

(Seattle, picking at No. 4, is presumably out of the receiver sweepstakes now that Houshmandzadeh is in the fold.)”

Heh, he said ‘gaping hole’. But seriously, the Bengals have needs and I know of one gaping hole in particular and it is wherever Eric Ghiaciuc lines up (or doesn’t if he doesn’t resign).

If the Bengals spend the #6 overall selection on a guy with a bum leg when they now have 8 wide receivers to take to training camp (plus any invitees), and with former Bengals Tab Perry and Kelley Washington still on the market, I may just turn to illicit drug use to ease the pain — otherwise known as “Weekday Mornings” in my household.

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | 1 Comment »

What We’ve Learned About The Bengals (So Far) From Free Agency

Posted by Matt on March 3, 2009


See the lifeboats in the lower left?  Yeah, that’s Stacy Andrews and TJ Housyourmamma getting the hell out of town and  don’t be surprised if Cedric Benson is soon to follow.  But what does this mean and what have we truly learned about the Bengals during the free agency period thus far?

-The Bengals were never legitimately in the mix for Housh.

Call me crazy but I am a broke college student and I don’t think I’d take a guaranteed contract to play for the Bengals; this franchise is a joke. Don’t get me wrong, I fully support the endeavors of Who Dey Revolution, but we’re a fan base that has resorted to sneaking in urinal cakes to Paul Brown Stadium documenting Mike Brown’s inferiority.

Carson’s constant phone calls tugging at the proverbial heartstrings of TJ only delayed the decision.  Seattle is a (marginally) better team in a weaker division offering more money to bring TJ closer to home.  Book it.  Done.

-Cedric Benson may soon follow.

You better get used to a 2009 edition of the Bengals lacking any offensive line depth along with playing sans our top receiver and (possibly) top running back from 2008.  Although Cedric Benson has taken enough police beatings to lack cognitive thought, he somehow still had the presence of mind to know that the Bengals are on a one way trip to Hell when he spoke with The Houston Chronicle:

“There’s a lot of things like staying home, and the business side of it here might be better than it is in Cincinnati,” he said. “Also, winning a Super Bowl. I had an opportunity to go (with Chicago), and I want to get back and win one.”

Ah yes, the hometown comes-a-calling excuse once more.  And the Bengals business side is shitty. Oh, and he’ll never win a Super Bowl in Cincinnati, either.

This guy was selling steaks out of a rapist van to cover court costs at the start of last season before signing with Cincy; but now, after less than one year with the Bengals, Ced would rather take a backup role to Steve Slaton in Houston than start for our loveable losers.

-Other teams’ free agents use the Bengals to catch a free flight through the Mid-west.

Giants’ free agent running back Derrick Ward visited Cincinnati over the weekend — a move that likely only further drove the wedge between Benson and the Bengals — only to sign with Buccaneers a day later.  I doubt Ward was ever seriously considering Cincinnati despite what Hanoi Hobson on would have you believe.

Instead of signing with the Bengals I picture Ward’s agent, Drew Rosenhaus, with his feet up on Mike Brown’s desk finalizing the details of the deal with Tampa Bay while Mike Brown “wined-and-dined” Ward with a Skyline 3-way and a Big Gulp.


You’d think the rest of the league would catch on to the fact that Bengals will likely sign NOBODY, but it seems clear free agents are still content ‘taking a visit’ to try to improve their market value before bolting for higher ground.

-The Brown Family is asleep at the wheel.

The Bengals have resigned just three crucial pieces to the Bengals’ “success” last year:  Chris “Leave Britney alone!” Crocker, DeDe Dorsey, and Darryl Blackstock.  They let Stacy Andrews walk — the guy they sent Willie Anderson packing for with nothing in return, and Stacy only had a 1 year deal at the time — and they have yet to sign a center or improve the depth on either side of the trenches.

But by God, they’ve franchised a kicker.

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | 5 Comments »

The Return Of The Squirrel?

Posted by Matt on February 20, 2009


The dancin’ machine known as Kelley Washington — famous for “The Squirrel” — may be making a return to Cincinnati, the place where his smooth moves all began back in 2003.  Washington, a free agent, and his representative Chad Speck have reached out to Bengals Management at the NFL Combine and the interest is apparently mutual yet not expressed.

“There is a mutual interest but there hasn’t been any talk about a visit or anything like that. We’ll be talking,” said Speck, a popular man since he’s also the agent for the top player on the free-agent market in Titans defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth.

Oh, wow, wouldn’t it be nice if the Three Stooges (Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, & Troy Blackburn) were linked with Speck for a guy like, oh say, ALBERT HAYNESWORTH instead of a guy who has caught one pass for three yards in two years with the New England Patriots? Don’t get me wrong, I think Washington is an entertaining character and he had some mild success in spot play and excelled on special teams when he was in Cincinnati, but when will the Bengals land an exciting free agent without botching the contract terms? (*ahem* Shuan Rogers)

Unfortunately for Bengals’ Fans the wide receiver position quickly became a weakness (please don’t use a first round pick, please don’t use a first round pick) when Bengals Management used the Franchise Tag on a kicker and Drew Rosenhaus began pimping out Ocho Cinco like a top call girl.  Jerry Simpson (“Biggest hands in the Combine!”) has been useless and Chris Henry is soft so I understand where concern could blossom but Palmer won’t have to worry about who is on the other end of those receiving routes if he’s on his back more times each game than Pam Anderson on a Motley Crue tour bus.

Heyooo!  I’ll be here all night, folks — don’t forget to tip your bartenders.


Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | Comments Off on The Return Of The Squirrel?

Bengals Choose Graham Over Janitor For Franchise Tag

Posted by Matt on February 18, 2009


After weeks of speculation the Captain of the Titanic Bengals’ management did what we all long feared on Monday:  used the Franchise Tag on “Sugar” Shayne Graham.  What’s worse is everybody expected it.  John Thorton called it on his blog.  The geniuses over at WhoDey Revolution have been speculating this move for weeks.  Yet none of it prepared me for the stinging pain that shot through my head (Ed. Note: Could’ve been the hangover.) when I heard that Cincy had officially tagged a kicker.

Sure Shayne is great for the community and “Hanoi” Hobson’s spin zone seems to lean on his philanthropy as a valid reason to keep Graham around.  By all means don’t allow me to rain on anybody’s parade — Kicks for Kids is a GREAT campaign (ahem: started by Kentucky alum Doug Pelfrey) — but if we’re giving out top five salaries because of a little charity work I’ll have you know I recently donated hefty sums of money to a worthwhile college fund for some stripper’s kids.

Tagging a kicker isn’t unprecedented.  The Broncos have tagged Jason Elam in the past and the Seahawks have done the same to Josh Brown.  Shayne-o-Mac isn’t even the lone kicker tagged this year in a group that includes punter Michael Koenen out of Atlanta and Jason Hanson out of Detroit (0-16, solid company).  I also would care a little bit less if Graham was our lone high profile free agent this year, but he’s not and the Bengals also aren’t a few field goals away from being a contender.

Cincy has holes on both lines and has the best possession/third down wide receiver in the NFL today sitting on the cusp of free agency and they tag a kicker.  Even if Housh wants no part of coming back to Cincy and the Bengals’ feeling is mutual, tag him and decline to match an offer so the team receives first round draft picks in the 2009 AND 2010 drafts.

After locking up their kicker for at least another year — even though they can’t get INTO field goal range to begin with — “Hanoi” Hobson claims the Bengals will “jump in to the fray” for TJ once free agency begins but I can only imagine they’ll offer about as much money as I’d be offered as a male prostitute.  Then again, what do I know?

Clearly not as much as this widely successful managerial staff…


Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | Comments Off on Bengals Choose Graham Over Janitor For Franchise Tag

Reds Report One Coffey Short Of A Krispy Kreme Combo

Posted by Matt on February 16, 2009


For the first time since Spring Training 2004, the Reds’ pitchers and catches reported early on Saturday and were short one Toddy Coffey, or rather were one Todd Coffey lighter.  240 pounds lighter, to be exact.

Cincinnati designated Big Red for assignment on September 9th of last year and the Brewers signed him off waivers one day later.  It is hard to put in to words how exciting it is for me and Charlie Hustle to see a Reds’ roster Coffey-less in camp for the first time in a long time.  It wasn’t that Todd was Eric Milton-bad but he wasn’t that good either, posting a 4.62 ERA in just over 206 innings for the Red Legs, and his “trademarked” sprint from the Bullpen to the pitcher’s mound became more of a annoyance than a crowd-pleaser.  In addition to being obnoxious, aforementioned sprint also made no noticeable difference on his waistline.

Coffey will once again lace ’em up for the Brewers in 2009 in what will presumably be his first full season for the franchise assuming he can make it to the end of the year on their active roster.  Milwaukee, known for their tasty brews, should be a good fit for Todd where that beer belly will feel right at home.

Posted in Cincinnati Reds, MLB | Comments Off on Reds Report One Coffey Short Of A Krispy Kreme Combo

The Bengals Finished “Strong”

Posted by Matt on February 15, 2009

Charlie Hustle and I started referring to Bengals’ website propaganda puppet Geoff Hobson, pictured (dramatization), as “Hanoi Hobson” a long ways back due to his seemingly sympathizing ways towards the Brown Family communist regime, efforts that would make Jane Fonda proud.  I understand it must be hard writing about a team as perpetually bad as the Bengals but sometimes Hanoi paints the picture so rosey I even begin to believe that Cincinnati has two Super Bowls in four years instead of Shitsburgh.

The offseason plays out no differently:

“…Which pretty much summed up many of Fitzpatrick’s 12 starts in place of the injured Carson Palmer. Just not enough firepower from anyone. But he did lead his team to a 4-3-1 finish and he did play Brett Favre to a virtual stat standstill.”

Ah yes, that undeniably impressive 4-3-1 finish with the four wins coming against teams that finished the season a combined 19-45 (.297) and all placed last in their respective divisions.  Granted the Eagles went on to play in the NFC Championship game but they do that every year and suggesting that tie is a bright spot on the season is like the guy pictured above suggesting his celibacy is a choice.  Philly was in disarray at the time and the game was simply atrocious all around.  And what the hell is “a virtual stat standstill” anyway?  We’re left to brag about draws against washed up gunslingers?

My head hurts.

I’m sure there’s more, such as referring to Fitzpatrick’s quarterback-sneaks-where-he-forgets-to-slide as “classic, quick thinking plays”, but there isn’t enough alcohol in the house today to ease the pain.


Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | Comments Off on The Bengals Finished “Strong”

Bowden: ‘I Wish I Knew How To Quit You’

Posted by Matt on February 15, 2009


The Washington Nationals signed free-swinger Adam Dunn to a 2-year, $20,000,000 dollar contract this week, or approximately $60,606 per strikeout.  The signing reunites Dunn with former Reds running mates Austin Kearns and Wily Mo Pena, a trio of outfielders who all played ball for my hometown Dayton Dragons before making their way through the Reds system under the tenure of then-Reds GM Jim Bowden.  I am glad to see The Donkey staying with the National League, though, so we can all continue to be witness to his fielding prowess in the outfield.


Between Dunn, Kearns, and Pena along with Dmitri Young, Felipe Lopez, Aaron Boon, and Corey Patterson, it is beginning to look like Bowden has a penchant for pillaging the table scraps of the perpetually sub-.500 Red Legs.  I guess the more things change the more they stay the same.  In Bowden’s defense, Dunn is a virtual lock for exactly 40 home runs, 100 rbis, 110 walks, 165 strike outs, and an obp of .386 each and every year.

I guess there’s something to be said about consistency these days.  Even if it’s not all that impressive.


Posted in Cincinnati Reds, MLB | Comments Off on Bowden: ‘I Wish I Knew How To Quit You’

Movin’ On Up

Posted by Matt on February 13, 2009

Things are progressing nicely and more quickly than I anticipated…plus I am getting an itchy trigger finger.  New content coming February 15th.


Posted in The Nasty Boys | 1 Comment »


Posted by Matt on February 11, 2009

Obviously TNB has been dormant since the New Year and for that I apologize.  Most of the guys have moved on to bigger and better things: careers, families, graduate school, or — in Bob’s case — drunken binges.  We’ve been gone but the site has not been forgotten.

So here is the deal:  with baseball spring training looming, our 1,000,000th hit imminent, and Charlie Hustle needing additional income to feed his degenerate gambling habits, we’re going to be making some gradual, minor changes in hopes of a relaunch on March 1st.  The majority of the design will stay the same as will a majority of the free, below-average content you’ve come to expect.

The one, big change that I hope alienates nobody is our focus.  Instead of our ambiguous approach to 2008, we’re going to narrow our focus for the Northern Kentucky sports sufferer.  Bitchings about the Cincinnati Bengals and Reds, as well as (hopefully) amusing and interesting commentary on the Kentucky Wildcats.  Every once in a while we’ll throw in some very newsworthy or interesting bits from those respective sports and the teams’ respective divisions/conferences.  There won’t be nearly as much mainstream, general fodder but there may be some national stories from the MLB or NFL from time to time.

Just as a recap, our narrowed focus will include the Cincinnati Bengals/AFC North, the Cincinnati Reds/NL Central, the Kentucky Wildcats/Southeastern Conference, and maybe a touch of related news just to switch it up. As always are archives will remain in tact for anyone wanting to check out the back catalog — I’m not sure why you would put yourself through that — as it will only see some minor, reorganizational changes.

There may be many folks who aren’t interested in the above listings and for that I apologize;  I encourage anyone that stops by to stick around despite the changes. I don’t know if the changes will right the ship but we’re going to give it one helluva shot.

See you in March.


Posted in The Nasty Boys | Tagged: | Comments Off on Hibernation

It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than That

Posted by Matt on January 14, 2009


54 points IN Knoxville against the hated Vols. A Kentucky record. The lead story on the 11:00PM edition of SportsCenter. And now I arrive to work to find the ESPN homepage splashed with the dominating performance had by one Jodie Meeks right in the face of the that orange-blazer-wearing, too-much-fake-tanned Bruce Pearl. Chris Lofton WHO?

Posted in Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA Basketball | Tagged: | 3 Comments »

BCS Aftermath

Posted by Matt on January 9, 2009


Fat band girl’s tears sustain me.

Posted in NCAA Football | Tagged: | Comments Off on BCS Aftermath

Happy New Year!

Posted by Matt on January 1, 2009

Hope everyone had a very safe and happy New Year’s Eve.  Enjoy the day off and the college Bowl games and try to keep from falling off your New Year’s Resolution wagon at least through the weekend.

Posted in The Nasty Boys | Tagged: | Comments Off on Happy New Year!


Posted by Matt on December 25, 2008

OK, OK so Hanukkah actually started on Monday but I figured I could knock out both holidays with one post as we’re trying to be green around here during these tough times.

But all jokes aside, I hope that everyone has a happy holiday or winter season, regardless of what you do (or don’t) celebrate. I respect and appreciate them all as much as I do our loyal readers AND OUR MEN AND WOMEN ABROAD!

A very HAPPY Holidays to all of the boys around here: Hustle, Condo, Doc, Bob, Vega, Baller, L.C., and Z — our posts may be few and far between these days but it sure has been a lot of fun with the aforementioned crew.

I hope everyone’s time spent with their families and close friends is both fun and safe and our Military will most definitely be in my thoughts and prayers throughout this week.

Have a good one, and I promise improvements over the coming New Year.


Posted in The Nasty Boys | Tagged: | Comments Off on MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HANUKKAH!

Charlie Hustle’s Bengals Quotes Of The Day

Posted by Matt on December 7, 2008

Ed.’s Note: This is what takes place in the head of the legendary Charlie Hustle…

“Cedric Benson…running with all the passion of a crack addict.”

“The Bengals are tackling Dominic Rhodes like he has AIDS.”


“Even back in the Jeff Blake days it was exciting because of the bomb to Pickens or Darnay Scott.  Fitzy Kirkpatrick shits his pants if he has to throw it more than 20 yards.”

Ed.’s Note #2: I am sure there will be more to come throughout today…

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | Tagged: , , | Comments Off on Charlie Hustle’s Bengals Quotes Of The Day

OJ Headlines

Posted by Matt on December 5, 2008

With Orenthal J. Simpson apparently forced to see the inside of a prison cell for at least the next nine years, I have been contemplating hilariously lame and pathetic newspaper headlines for tomorrow morning’s inevitable articles:

“What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas”

“The Juice Got Squeezed”

“That One Football Player Who Walked Free For Killing A Couple Of People Actually Ended Up In Jail Anyways”

“The Juice Is No Longer Loose”

“Former NFL Running Back Now A Tight End”

“Detective Nordberg Does Las Vegas” (Obscure?)


Posted in NFL | Tagged: , | Comments Off on OJ Headlines

Happy Turkey Day!

Posted by Matt on November 27, 2008


Thanksgiving Day just isn’t quite the same without John Madden, turduckens, and the Lions losing.

Well, without 2 of 3 I guess…

At any rate, I hope any TNB readers have a fun, safe, and tasty Thanksgiving Day!!!

I always take the time at every opportunity to honor our troops abroad as they give me the freedom to say whatever stupid crap I want without fear of consequence.  Our military is one thing I am perpetually thankful for and even more so today (and a big shout out to the 178th Fighter Wing out of Springfield, Ohio!).

So, again, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and I hope those deployed have, at minimum, a moment of peace to enjoy Thanksgiving — they deserve more than what we can repay them with.

Have a great day and enjoy the 3 Fs — family, food, and football — and hopefully your fantasy football teams hold up!

Posted in The Nasty Boys | Tagged: | Comments Off on Happy Turkey Day!

A Very Emmitt Thanksgiving

Posted by Matt on November 27, 2008

Hey all, this here is Emmitt to wish all you Nasty Boy fans a very Happy Hollerdays. When you get to your family during Thanksgiving be sure to think about being with your family on this day.

Today I am going to give you Emmitt’s best hollerday suggestions:

When you cook da turkey, make sure you don’t overcook da turkey.

Turkey and dresser is da best meal you can get.

Thanksgiving Day football games are like history and when I played for Dallas we played in all the Thanksgiving days that we played in.

Make sure you try da cranberry sauce because it just wouldn’t be cranberry sauce without it.

I hate to change the topic but I am going to…

It has been a good year, 2008 has and Emmitt has a lot to be thankful for. I had a very punctual year and I can’t wait to get back on ESPN for work again with the NFL. Which brings me to why I’m here, da NFL.

A lot has happened this NFL season since it started because it has been so long ago so I am going to give you my thoughts from the NFL season up to Thanksgiving Day:

Da Rookie of da Year is none other than Atlanta quorterback Matt Ryan. Matt is the best quorterback to come through Atlanta since he got there.

Da MVP — or Most Valuable Person — is gotta be Kurt Warner of the Arizona Cordinals. He has taken my former team to da next level through his great play at the quorterback position.

Da Detroit Lions are very bad but they won’t be as bad if they win a game eventually.

Da Bengals are in turmoil and I have been there but you have to realize you’re in turmoil before you can fix it.

Unfortunately my time is short ant that is all I have for you on this Thanksgiving Day.  I hope you’re there for me and whenever you get down and think life is bad, remember Emmitt is there for you.


Posted in General Sports | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

MNF Question Of The Night

Posted by Matt on November 25, 2008


Why hasn’t Drew Brees used his vast supply of riches to remove whatever is growing on his face?

…Talk amongst yourselves…

Posted in NFL | Tagged: | Comments Off on MNF Question Of The Night

A Day In The Life…

Posted by Matt on November 20, 2008

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.invincible4

10:15AM – 34 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

A package arrives for Mr. Mike Brown to 1 Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202. It’s a Netflix envelope. Millions of desperate fans now realize where money for a premier scouting department goes. The flick? Invincible starring Mark Wahlberg as Philadelphia Eagle “walk-on” Vince Papale.

12:00PM – 32 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Credits are rolling for Invincible

Mike Brown: “Brilliant! Get me Papale’s agent. If a guy with such gusto can walk-on for Coach Vermeil in Philadelphia we need to make a move for him by tomorrow night’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers at 8:15PM exclusively on the NFL Network!”

Apparently Mr. Brown has resorted to product placement advertisement even within his own Front Office. NFL Network pays him $1,000 for every mention. Proceeds go to his daughter’s extensive wardrobe of man-clothes:

katie_zoom Mike Brown: “If their quarterback is dumb enough to not know that there are ties in the NFL we should have no problem trading David Pollack for Vince Papale straight up. Hell, even I knew there are ties and I don’t know a damn thing about football. I will say, however, that I’ve been managing for ties my entire career because it is like I’ve always said, a tie is better than anything else!”

1:15PM – 31 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

At his daily press conference Marvin Lewis explains his team’s recent struggles.

Marvin Lewis: “Has anybody seen the movie Major League? Mr. Brown let me borrow it off of his Netflix queue, he’s a big Charlie Sheen fan. God, I love Netflix. Anyways, the movie inspired what I thought would be one of my more brilliant coaching strategies for the start of this season. I have always gotten my best coaching schemes from Hollywood, it is why I have a robust .483 professional winning percentage. This strategy has only failed me once, apparently you can’t get angels in the endzone. I thought it was worth a shot. Anyways, about this year. So after watching Major League I decided to install a cardboard stand-up of Katie Blackburn in the locker-room and I told the guys that every time we won a game I would peel off an article of clothing…just like in Major League. Obviously this hasn’t gone over too well…we’re 1-8-1; it seems most of the team would rather the cardboard Blackburn keep her clothes on. Carson actually vomited. So that one is on me, I take full responsibility.”

4:00PM – 28 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Vince Papale, now 62 years old and ravaged by dementia, reports to Bengals Compound confused and slightly intoxicated. Mike Brown has never been more excited by a league-minimum signing.

In the meantime, Fifth-Third Bank has frozen Mr. Brown’s account and put a hold on Papale’s paycheck. Even the seemingly-yet-not-admittedly gay bank teller thinks that the acquisition must be some kind of joke and that someone must have stolen a book of checks from Bengals Compound and forged Mr. Brown’s signature. Many Bengals fans are left to wonder why a similar observation hasn’t occurred sooner.

6:30PM – 25 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Team dinner is promptly served by recently signed lineman/linecook Digger Bujnoch and his family’s catering business, Booj’s. Mike Brown is as giddy as as school girl over the ability to get two services out of Bujnoch for the price of one and begins wondering if Chris Henry would be interested in selling Dippin’ Dots in the stands during defensive drives.

Patting himself on the back for another cost-cutting maneuver done well and unable to dine thanks to a potent case of irritable bowel syndrome, Mr. Brown retires to his quarters with a bottle of Metamucil and the latest Clay Aiken CD. The team leaves town for Pittsburgh shortly thereafter.mv5bmjezmdyymju4nf5bml5banbnxkftztywotixnzu5_v1_sx245_sy400_

Thursday, November 20, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.

6:30AM – 13 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Feeling refreshed and rested from the night’s sleep, Mr. Brown settles in his office for his morning coffee while Akili Smith massages BENGAY in to his boss’ aching and aging muscles. Reading the regional newspapers each morning with a cup of joe is always a treat for Mikey; it allows him to revisit each and everyday how well-received he is as team owner in the Cincinnati area.

10:00AM – 10 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

A virtual off-day for the Front Office with the team en route to Pittsburgh, Mr. Brown begins the search for more bargain-basement players to pad his lineup and his resume. It takes little time for a scavenger of Brown’s caliber to realize that Philadelphia has more to offer than just a walk-on wide receiver.

Mike Brown: “I want the ‘garbage picking field goal kicking Philadelphia phenomenon’ and I want him now! If the Eagles were dumb enough to give up Papale for pennies on the dollar, Barney Gorman should be virtually free. I’ll see to it that the league’s most accurate active kicker Shayne Graham never boots another field goal for this team the rest of his career! (shouting to son Paul) Tell ’em will give ’em Odell Thurman and a tub of Bujnoch’s cole slaw! (snickering)”

1:45PM – 6 hours, 30 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Katie Blackburn begins to salivate after watching the “Palumalu Island” promo for the 17th consecutive time while relaxing on her bed.

Katie Blackburn: “God a Troy Palumalu is sooo much sexier than a Troy Blackburn with that flowing Samoan hair. I can’t wait for the Steelers to make the playoffs this year. I know who I’m rooting for: The Pittsburgh Steelers. The one time I root for the teams in our division is when they are in the playoffs. Did I mention how dreamy Troy Palumalu is? I picked the wrong Troy.”

Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, upon receiving a provocative text message from Bengals Executive Vice President Katie Blackburn, Troy Palumalu vomits a little bit in his mouth.

5:15PM – 3 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

Marvin Lewis address his team before heading out to complete walk-throughs, warm-ups, and pregame ceremonies.

Marvin Lewis: “Ask not what your team can do for you; ask what you can do for your team. I have a dream that tonight this team will rise up and live out the true meaning of being a Cincinnati Bengal. And after the fight has ended, I hope to stand before you as your leader and declare one thing: Mission Accomplished. Gentlemen I want you to remember one thing tonight: a victory is one small step for this season, but one giant leap for seasons to come. So go out there and give it all you’ve got and win just one for the Gipper because blessed are the victors; for they shall inherit the Division. Amen.”

7:00PM – 1 hour, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Mr. Brown declined to travel for a Thursday night game in chilly Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and with pregame coverage commencing, he decides instead to sit down with his latest Netflix arrival. There will be no tuning in to tonight’s contest between his Bengals and the hated Steelers because even Mike Brown is too cheap to pay for the NFL Network.

(Ed.’s Note: Thanks to Charlie Hustle for some inspiration for this complete waste of your time.)

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL, The Nasty Boys | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

At Least I Still Have The Bengals…Right?

Posted by Matt on November 19, 2008

Last night’s Kentucky at North Carolina basketball game:



“The Debacle in the Dean Dome.” That’s what they’re calling it.

And by they I mean me.

Kentucky narrowly escaped a mere single-digit loss thanks to 28 turnovers to start the 2008-2009 campaign 0-2 for only the third time in the program’s storied history. North Carolina now sits just 14 wins shy of Kentucky’s all-time mark — the one record Wildcat fans have grabbed at straws with as the glory has faded from this once-dominant regime. A 19-point Tar Heel victory kicked off ESPN’s college basketball coverage with the #1 team in the Nation’s two best players idly watching from the bench as if to say, “the team doesn’t need us for these has-beens.”

I woke up this morning — much like ZRO did post-VMI embarrassment — hoping it was all a bad dream. That the visions of that rat Roy Williams applauding gleefully from the sidelines and Dickie V.’s 18 Duke/Coach K. references were all merely nightmares within the depths of my slumber.

A nightmare it may have been but oh-so-real it was.

I immediately headed for the showers, hoping to wash away the stank of losing and searching for a single glimmer of hope in the coming weeks — and unfortunately it’s not Longwood (that’s what she said) at home next Monday.

In fact, as I stepped out of the shower it dawned on me: at least I still have the Bengals…right?

My much maligned band of nobodies is on a three week non-losing streak. Something that cannot be said about the basketball OR football Wildcats.

Cincy completely bamboozled the Eagles on Sunday, snatching a tie from the jaws of victory after tricking Donovan McNabb in to believing that there were no ties in the NFL, that the next step would be penalty kicks.

Only the Bengals could provide such heart-warming tales like the acquisition of lineman Digger Bujnoch, literally signed out of the West Side of Cincinnati after no other NFL team would have him. A man who once earned a paycheck delivering Salisbury steaks to Mike Brown while working for his parents’ catering company, Booj’s, is now suiting up for the orange and black attack (I can’t make this stuff up).

And it is fitting this holiday season that the Bengals are now staffed primarily by players left behind by teams that lack the foresight of Cincy’s front office as Mike Brown’s heart has grown three sizes this season. The Digger Bujnochs, the Chris Crockers (surprisingly not this Chris Crocker), and even the Cedric Bensons are our very own Island of Misfit Toys a la the Christmas classic Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.

While I agonize in the state of my basketball Wildcats I still have these Bengals…my Bengals.

No other team could provide the emotional roller coaster ride or the laughs as the Bengals can. No other team could tug at the spirit with stories of sacrifice and redemption…for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th times. And no other team’s best player has gradually grown to resemble Little Richard since his arrival:


So when you’re gathered around the dinner table next week with your families for Thanksgiving, remember what you DO have (Chris Henry and Mike Brown) instead of what you DON’T have (a winning record after two games, ball security, a viable option at point guard, or a sober head coach) because, hey, at least we’re not Louisville fans:



Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA Basketball, NFL | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

That Was Depressing

Posted by Matt on November 18, 2008

If you had 23rd Turnover in the “When would MJ turn off the Kentucky game to do laundry for tomorrow?” Pool, please step forward to claim your prize.

Winner receives a coupon redeemable for one date-night with Charlie Hustle to the Spearmint Rhino…which is certainly more exciting than watching Kentucky basketball…

Posted in Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA Basketball | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Comparing Teams By The Numbers

Posted by Matt on November 13, 2008

Below is a side-by-side comparison of two current anonymous college football powerhouses that have a legitimate shot at, if not inside track to, the BCS National Championship game. I use the term “anonymous” loosely because if you really sit and think about how the numbers are laid out, you can figure out the two teams fairly quickly and that my lead to a personal bias. So don’t do that. Take an objective look at these numbers for victories only and realize how impressive both sides really are.

Weekly Margins Of Victory

Team A

Team B






























Total Games



Total Points For/Against



Average Scores



Average Margin



# Of Ranked Opponents



Bold margins denotes games against ranked opponents.

The majority of each teams’ column is comprised of that week’s margin of victory as opposed to score just to mask the games some and to look at games in a more basic fashion. Team B is scoring nearly as much per game as is Team A — and against a similar number of ranked opponents — while allowing far fewer points on defense. Of course Team A has been more consistently good accounting for 10 games versus Team B’s 8.

Which is the better team between Team A and Team B? You decide. Is either team the best team in the Nation? Who knows. And will these two teams play in the BCS National Championship? Only time will tell.

Two things that are for certain, however, is that both teams are playing some of the best — if not THE best — football in the country right now and a lot has to happen before any of the above questions can be answered. But by that time, answering the above questions will be that much easier.

Either way, the comparisons are remarkable. College football at its best.

P.S. If you haven’t already figured it out yet, Team A is Texas Tech and Team B is Florida…but don’t tell anyone, it will be our little secret…

Posted in NCAA Football | Tagged: , | Comments Off on Comparing Teams By The Numbers