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Posted by Matt on December 25, 2008

OK, OK so Hanukkah actually started on Monday but I figured I could knock out both holidays with one post as we’re trying to be green around here during these tough times.

But all jokes aside, I hope that everyone has a happy holiday or winter season, regardless of what you do (or don’t) celebrate. I respect and appreciate them all as much as I do our loyal readers AND OUR MEN AND WOMEN ABROAD!

A very HAPPY Holidays to all of the boys around here: Hustle, Condo, Doc, Bob, Vega, Baller, L.C., and Z — our posts may be few and far between these days but it sure has been a lot of fun with the aforementioned crew.

I hope everyone’s time spent with their families and close friends is both fun and safe and our Military will most definitely be in my thoughts and prayers throughout this week.

Have a good one, and I promise improvements over the coming New Year.



Posted in The Nasty Boys | Tagged: | Comments Off on MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HANUKKAH!

I’ll Always Remember…

Posted by Ryne E. Hancock on December 24, 2008

In the classic coming-of-age movie “The Girl Next Door”, a movie that starred Canadian import Elisha Cuthbert (the girl from “24”) and Emile Hirsch, the final scenes of the movie reflected on the memories that Emile Hirsch’s character would take from his senior year of high school.

And in those moments in which he reflected on the wild ride of his final month in high school, he always began with the phrase, “I’ll always remember.”

In what has a year of tragedy, triumph, and history, I decided to share with you guys, in what will be my final column of 2008, the memories that I have from the sports world.

It is safe to say, it was that kind of year.

I’ll always remember the 93-52 beatdown that Vanderbilt put on Kentucky and the chants of “double digits” that were heard around Memorial Gym as well as the expression on UK fan Ashley Judd’s face that was seen around the country.

I’ll always remember the emergence of Cardinals outfielder Ryan Ludwick, who came out of nowhere and kept the Cardinals in contention with his bat and defense until September.

I’ll always remember the run that the Lady Comets softball team made in the TransSouth Conference Tournament, a run that ended all too soon against the Union University Bulldogs in Jackson, Tennessee.

I’ll always remember the RCA Dome, which had been a part of the Indianapolis skyline as long as I have been alive and, towards the end of its short life span, got a chance to see a Super Bowl title before it went into the annals of history.

I’ll always remember the feel-good story that was the Tampa Bay Rays and how a team that no one would have never picked to win the American League East, let alone the Pennant, shocked the world with players like Evan Longoria, Carl Crawford, Scott Kazmir, and David Price by defeating the mighty Boston Red Sox en route to their first World Series.

I’ll always remember Drake University winning their first Missouri Valley Conference title in almost 40 years on my big sister Renetria’s 25th birthday.

I’ll always remember former Crichton basketball player Derek Boykin’s game-winning shot on January 17th against Lyon College, two days after their upset of Nationally-ranked Martin Methodist in Pulaski, Tennessee.

I’ll always remember the “Game of the Century” between Memphis and Tennessee as well as Vol coach Bruce Pearl getting too comfortable with TNB patron saint Erin Andrews after the game.

I’ll always remember the look on Phillies reliever Brad Lidge’s face after getting the final out of the 2008 World Series, this coming after giving up two epic postseason homers in 2005, one of them off Albert Pujols in Game 5 of the 2005 NLCS.

I’ll always remember the Gatorade shower that Doc Rivers was given on the bench as the Celtics won their first NBA title in 22 years against the Los Angeles Lakers.

I’ll always remember the emergence of Vanderbilt’s Shan Foster and his catchy NBA Draft song.

I’ll always remember Western Kentucky’s Ty Rogers and his miraculous game-winning shot against Drake in the NCAA Tournament.

I’ll always remember Georgia’s run to the SEC Tournament Championship and the buzz created around Atlanta, a city I will be in on Sunday afternoon.

I’ll always remember the Lady Comets’ 2008 volleyball season and the play of Rachel Walton and Kelsey Watson.

I’ll always remember Vanderbilt’s 5-0 start and College Gameday’s first-ever visit to Nashville when the ‘Dores faced Auburn in front of a National audience, winning in front of a packed Vanderbilt Stadium.

I’ll always remember Davidson’s magical run to the Elite Eight behind sweet-shooting Stephon Curry and how, if Davidson won, we wouldn’t have to hear about Mario (Bleeping) Chalmers.

I’ll always remember the wild pitch that was thrown by softball player Sierra Coltharp prior to Crichton’s doubleheader against Central Baptist.

I’ll always remember the slow start by the Colts and their current winning streak, which I’m sure is going to extend on Sunday when the Titans come to Indianapolis.

I’ll always remember characters like BD, Courtneee, Q, Nutz, Ginny, Zarko, Jas, Long, and the cast of characters who made covering Crichton athletics fun.

I’ll always remember the 28 homers that Josh Hamilton hit in the first round of the final Home Run Derby at Yankee Stadium.

I’ll always remember Manny Ramirez being traded to the Dodgers and leading them to the NLCS.

I’ll always remember the redemption of Andre Allen, going from National punchline to a key player at Crichton where he is now second on the team in scoring.

I’ll always remember the monster dunks made by Marqueys Brown, including one he made against Mountain State on December 6th.

I’ll always remember losing to former Crichton softball player Aimee Grissom in basketball a week before the basketball season ended.

I’ll always remember the kindness of my second mothers in the Athletic Department, Donna McWorther and Bobbi Tunstall.

I’ll always remember the 2007-08 Memphis Tigers and all of the memories that team provided me and this city and how to this very day, those final moments of the National title game still haunts us.

But most importantly, I’ll always remember all of you who have been on this wild journey with me and the rest of the gang as this will more than likely be my final column for The Nasty Boys in 2008.

Thanks again to Matt and the rest of the crew for giving me the opportunity to write my thoughts on the sports world for the last two years.

My “faculty adviser” Coach Matt Sanders for helping me not only with my classes but also spiritually, especially after the deaths of my friend and my beloved aunt.

The people at Republic Coffee for letting me perform on Tuesdays and the people that I have been plugged in with so far at Fellowship Memphis.

All of our readers and affiliates throughout the region for linking with us, in the process creating new fans of our work.

The Crichton Student Government Association for the continued support since the beginning of the school year as well as the Office of Student Development at Crichton College.

And finally, my joy Shamika and her beautiful daughter Madison. I can’t express how much you brighten my day and I treasure our friendship more than anything. I love you with all my heart.

Posted in General Sports | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Futility In The Motor City

Posted by Ryne E. Hancock on December 19, 2008

As thrilling (and yet upsetting) it was to see the New England Patriots run the table in the regular season in 2007, a year later a similar quest for perfection, whether you like it or not, is going to happen in a couple of weeks.

The Detroit Lions, sitting at 0-14, could be without question the first team since the woebegone Tampa Bay Buccaneers of the 1970’s to lose all of their games should they lose their last two against New Orleans at home Sunday and Green Bay on the road at Lambeau Field the following week.

Of course, over the last two weeks the Lions played with signs of life against Minnesota, a game in which they actually held the lead and seemed primed to get their first win of the season, and put up a good fight against Indianapolis until Peyton Manning threw arrow after arrow into the hearts of Lions fans around Michigan, causing them to see their team fall to 0-14 and become the second team in NFL history to lose their first 14 games of the season.

Lions great Barry Sanders never got a chance to play in a Super Bowl. Hell, name one Lion to play in a Super Bowl while in Detroit and you might get looked at real funny.

As the auto industry hits a snag in Detroit, with Chrysler shutting down its plants until January 19th at the latest, the Lions’ futility is another headache for the Motor City.

In case you don’t know, the Lions are owned by the Ford family, who I’m pretty sure is believing that for the last 40-plus years their franchise has been nothing more than a total hobby, a hobby that has hit rock-bottom the same way as their precious automobile company that bears the same name.

While I for one don’t know any of the Fords (sorry, knowing the Ford family of Memphis doesn’t count), I can safely say that with this celebration of futility in Detroit, it has been a long time coming.

And with two more games and half the country watching, come December 28th in Green Bay a news alert will pop up and tag the Detroit Lions as the first team to ever finish 0-16.

I wonder if 40 years from now will those players pop champagne like the 1972 Miami Dolphins?

Maybe not.

Posted in NFL | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

What Is The Damn Problem?

Posted by Ryne E. Hancock on December 17, 2008

In the 91 years prior to 2003, the football program at the University of Memphis had only three Bowl appearances, the last coming in 1971 when Fred Pancoast led the Missouri Valley Conference-champion Tigers to the Pasadena Bowl.

Thirty-two years later, Tommy West and legendary running back DeAngelo Williams, now with the Carolina Panthers, led the Tigers to the New Orleans Bowl where they would beat North Texas and begin a stretch of five Bowl games in six seasons, being one of only a handful of schools to do that.

While for the fact this would be a huge accomplishment for a once moribund program, it hasn’t been the case for the Tigers, who has seen attendance drop to 25,000 fans per game, a far cry from the 41,000 average that came to the Liberty Bowl in 2004 to see DeAngelo Williams and company.

And now the question that one would pose to the uninformed observer would be this: what is the damn problem with the Tiger football program?

OK, I know two reasons of the problems with the Tiger football program, the first one being that Memphis is a basketball school first and foremost and will always be that way.

But that’s no valid excuse because in recent years, basketball powerhouses like Louisville, which as we all know was a member of Conference USA and decided to pump money and energy into their football program by building new facilities including a brand-new, on-campus stadium to replace aging Cardinal Stadium in 1998.

For that reason, the Cardinals are in the Big East and the Tigers are still toiling in Conference USA.

In the last eight years, the Tigers have spent a grand total of $6 million on football-related improvements and are finishing a fund raising campaign worth $3 million to build a new state-of-the-art weight room at the Murphy Athletic Complex.

That’s probably a third of Nick Saban’s salary at Alabama.

Another valid point is the fact that, instead of watching the Tigers, fans would rather head to Oxford, Starkville, or Knoxville to watch quality football, and from a person who has a bunch of friends that cheer for Ole Miss, Mississippi State, or Tennessee, that’s a justifiable reason.

They have a great tailgating atmosphere, meaning the tailgate area is close to the stadium and not miles away and they have tradition in their programs as well.

Memphis doesn’t.

Then you have to throw in the fact that Memphis, unlike those three schools, schedule non-conference foes like McNeese State, Nicholls State, and neighborhood rival Arkansas State on a regular basis.

Tennessee this year went to UCLA, Mississippi State went up against Georgia Tech and West Virginia this season, and Ole Miss last season played Missouri on the road.

People, from what I’ve learned in Sport and Event Planning class, aren’t going to be amped for a game against Nicholls State or Arkansas State.

They’re not going to return if the atmosphere around the stadium sucks balls.

And finally, no one is going to return if the team isn’t winning (see the Grizzlies for proof).

So what needs to be done?

You tell me.

Posted in NCAA Football | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Charlie Hustle’s Bengals Quotes Of The Day

Posted by Matt on December 7, 2008

Ed.’s Note: This is what takes place in the head of the legendary Charlie Hustle…

“Cedric Benson…running with all the passion of a crack addict.”

“The Bengals are tackling Dominic Rhodes like he has AIDS.”


“Even back in the Jeff Blake days it was exciting because of the bomb to Pickens or Darnay Scott.  Fitzy Kirkpatrick shits his pants if he has to throw it more than 20 yards.”

Ed.’s Note #2: I am sure there will be more to come throughout today…

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | Tagged: , , | Comments Off on Charlie Hustle’s Bengals Quotes Of The Day

OJ Headlines

Posted by Matt on December 5, 2008

With Orenthal J. Simpson apparently forced to see the inside of a prison cell for at least the next nine years, I have been contemplating hilariously lame and pathetic newspaper headlines for tomorrow morning’s inevitable articles:

“What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas”

“The Juice Got Squeezed”

“That One Football Player Who Walked Free For Killing A Couple Of People Actually Ended Up In Jail Anyways”

“The Juice Is No Longer Loose”

“Former NFL Running Back Now A Tight End”

“Detective Nordberg Does Las Vegas” (Obscure?)


Posted in NFL | Tagged: , | Comments Off on OJ Headlines

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

Posted by Ryne E. Hancock on December 5, 2008

Ladies and gentleman, let’s get ready to rumble as tonight, at the Georgia Dome, the Alabama Crimson Tide will face the Florida Gators in the under card match leading to the National Championship game.

These two teams, coached by men who have won National Championships before — Saban at LSU in 2003-04, the first for the Bayou Bengals in 46 years and Meyer, who just did it in 2006-07 by beating the Ohio State Buckeyes and forcing Jim Tressel to take self-esteem classes in the offseason.

Of course, Tressel didn’t learn his lesson when LSU beat another tattoo on him in the National Championship last year, making the Buckeyes the first team to lose back-t0-back BCS Championship games.

But that’s another story.

The SEC Championship Game is, according to your drunk uncle or Rece Davis, one of the premier games in the race to see who will head to Miami and play for the National Championship.

And while Oklahoma, who made it to the Big 12 Championship Game because of some crazy 3-way tie with Texas Tech and Texas, are heavily favored in their showdown with Missouri in San Antonio, the SEC Championship Game is without question, the true deciding factor before we all see who will be popping bottles on South Beach.

Alabama’s journey to Atlanta, for the most part, has been focused more on their blue-collar defense. Ranked 2nd in the country against the run by allowing only a paltry 73.6 yards and 2.7 yards per carry, the Tide could put a dent into the running attack of the Gators, which consist of Percy Harvin, Tim Tebow, and Chris Rainey.

Not only that, the Tide has two workmen on the offensive  side of the ball, Andre Smith and Terrence Cody, who have given John Parker Wilson plenty of protection.

Speaking of Wilson, the senior quarterback hasn’t done much of anything throwing the football. Where as Tebow has electrified Gator fans with his feet and arm, Wilson has only thrown for 200 or more yards in four games this season.

Want to know how many touchdown passes Wilson’s thrown?


Mainly because Alabama relies on the running attack, which finished second behind Florida in the SEC with a little over 200 rushing per game.

At Florida, however, the offense lives and dies with Tebow, wide receiver Percy Harvin, and running back Chris Rainey, all of who have rushed for more than 500 yards this season.

And for the most part, Tebow has thrown the ball more, with over 2,000 yards passing and 25 touchdown passes to go along with the 507 yards he has rushing.

Pretty different from Wilson, don’t you think?

And while the whole world waits to see what will become of the BCS, including all of us here at The Nasty Boys, we would like to extend a big thank you to the SEC-related blogs that link with us throughout the college football season.

May your team’s Christmas season be merry and bright.

That is, if your coach doesn’t get fired.

Posted in NCAA Football | Tagged: | Comments Off on Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

Pull The Plug, Please

Posted by Ryne E. Hancock on December 1, 2008

In America, Thanksgiving is about families getting together for fellowship, football, and football.

And while for the better part of the last three-quarters of a century the annual Thanksgiving game in Detroit has been a main staple for most Americans, especially people in the state of Michigan, the time has come for one of the greatest sports traditions in America to be done away with after what the country saw Thursday afternoon when the Tennessee Titans came into Motown.

Because of the sweetheart deal the NFL made with the Lions to have the game be sold out by Tuesday, what was supposed to be a blackout turned into a one-sided affair pitting the Titans against a team that I’m pretty sure one of my lady friends could have quarterbacked if they were able to.

A one-sided affair captured on National television.

Not something that many of you Nasty Boy fans in the Eastern Time Zone wanted to wake up to after a hangover.

Behind the excellent play of rookie Chris Johnson, who rushed for 125 yards and two touchdowns, and LenDale White, who made waves this week over some comments about not having an active role in the offense during the Titans’ loss against the Jets and rushed for two touchdowns, the Titans at least clinched a share of the AFC South title by beating the winless Detroit Lions 47-10 and could clinch it outright should Indianapolis lose to the Cleveland Browns on Sunday.

For the Lions, it meant another listless Thanksgiving Day, the second time this decade that the Lions started 0-12, and being on game closer to finishing the season 0-16 with four games left to play. The 47 points also marks the most that the Lions have given up in 69 games on Thanksgiving and drops them to 33-34-2 on Turkey Day.

Over the past week, most of the people in the media — such as Mike Ditka, among others — have said that the longstanding tradition in Detroit should be done away with because of the ineptness of the Lions.

Can you blame them?

They’ve said the best thing to do is allow the NFL to rotate the games each year, because the Lions, as we all have seen these past few years, have stunk up CBS and probably made Jim Nantz’s face turn red.

Now that I think of it, if the NFL did something like that it could be just like the Christmas Day NBA games that most of us grew up watching: games with great storylines and marquee players.

I mean, if you’re a football fan, would you rather watch the Lions get hammered or a matchup like Cowboys-Giants or Patriots-Jets?

Would you watch LT go at it against the Steelers or see (insert lame-assed quarterback’s name here) get sacked by Jevon Kearse or Al Haynesworth?

Think about it, America.

That also means you, Mr. Goodell.

Posted in NFL | Tagged: | Comments Off on Pull The Plug, Please

Happy Turkey Day!

Posted by Matt on November 27, 2008


Thanksgiving Day just isn’t quite the same without John Madden, turduckens, and the Lions losing.

Well, without 2 of 3 I guess…

At any rate, I hope any TNB readers have a fun, safe, and tasty Thanksgiving Day!!!

I always take the time at every opportunity to honor our troops abroad as they give me the freedom to say whatever stupid crap I want without fear of consequence.  Our military is one thing I am perpetually thankful for and even more so today (and a big shout out to the 178th Fighter Wing out of Springfield, Ohio!).

So, again, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and I hope those deployed have, at minimum, a moment of peace to enjoy Thanksgiving — they deserve more than what we can repay them with.

Have a great day and enjoy the 3 Fs — family, food, and football — and hopefully your fantasy football teams hold up!

Posted in The Nasty Boys | Tagged: | Comments Off on Happy Turkey Day!

A Very Emmitt Thanksgiving

Posted by Matt on November 27, 2008

Hey all, this here is Emmitt to wish all you Nasty Boy fans a very Happy Hollerdays. When you get to your family during Thanksgiving be sure to think about being with your family on this day.

Today I am going to give you Emmitt’s best hollerday suggestions:

When you cook da turkey, make sure you don’t overcook da turkey.

Turkey and dresser is da best meal you can get.

Thanksgiving Day football games are like history and when I played for Dallas we played in all the Thanksgiving days that we played in.

Make sure you try da cranberry sauce because it just wouldn’t be cranberry sauce without it.

I hate to change the topic but I am going to…

It has been a good year, 2008 has and Emmitt has a lot to be thankful for. I had a very punctual year and I can’t wait to get back on ESPN for work again with the NFL. Which brings me to why I’m here, da NFL.

A lot has happened this NFL season since it started because it has been so long ago so I am going to give you my thoughts from the NFL season up to Thanksgiving Day:

Da Rookie of da Year is none other than Atlanta quorterback Matt Ryan. Matt is the best quorterback to come through Atlanta since he got there.

Da MVP — or Most Valuable Person — is gotta be Kurt Warner of the Arizona Cordinals. He has taken my former team to da next level through his great play at the quorterback position.

Da Detroit Lions are very bad but they won’t be as bad if they win a game eventually.

Da Bengals are in turmoil and I have been there but you have to realize you’re in turmoil before you can fix it.

Unfortunately my time is short ant that is all I have for you on this Thanksgiving Day.  I hope you’re there for me and whenever you get down and think life is bad, remember Emmitt is there for you.


Posted in General Sports | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Yes, Ms. Key, The Tigers Still Can’t Shoot Free Throws

Posted by Ryne E. Hancock on November 25, 2008


After Memphis’ loss to Xavier in the championship game of the Puerto Rico Classic, yours truly went on Facebook and came across one of his friends’ statuses concerning the game against the Musketeers.

“FREE THROWS PEOPLE!!!!” the status read, as if it was screaming out the same thing everyone from Collierville to Millington had been saying since April when the Tigers clanked the iron in the title game against Kansas.

And given the fact that I saw the last of the game at my job, I couldn’t agree more with what she and my fellow Tiger fans were saying.

According to my knowledge of basketball, you win games by making free throws and playing defense.

“Free throws can be the difference in games,” Crichton basketball coach Jeff Walker says during practices during free throw drills.

But that’s different for the north side of Highland Avenue.

On the south side of Highland Avenue, the Tigers’ free throw woes have continued from last season, and it showed Sunday night.

While Xavier’s Terrell Holloway made 10 straight free throws (think that sweet-shooting Butler guard during the 2003 NCAA Tournament) and finished with 13 points, the Tigers remained helpless at the free throw line.

A prime example of this was Doneal Mack’s 1-for-5 shooting from the charity stripe, good for 20 percent and a first-class ticket to the bench sitting next to John Calipari.

Big man Robert Dozier didn’t fare better, going 2-of-6 and giving hope to Memphis youth who someday want to be excellent free throw shooters.

This coming after he went 4-for-4 from the charity stripe in the semis against Seton Hall while the Tigers collectively shot 65 percent from the free throw line in the win.

Their free throw percentage last night?

50 percent (15-for-30) compared to Xavier’s 68 percent, including Holloway’s 10 straight makes.

If the Tigers want to learn how to shoot free throws, the best thing they can do for this situation is get one of my old friends from my days writing for the North Shelby Times (pictured below) and have her wear a cheerleading outfit during one of their free throw drills.


But then again, that too might be trouble at the free throw line.

It’s better than someone trying to moon you, though.

Posted in NCAA Basketball | Tagged: | Comments Off on Yes, Ms. Key, The Tigers Still Can’t Shoot Free Throws

MNF Question Of The Night

Posted by Matt on November 25, 2008


Why hasn’t Drew Brees used his vast supply of riches to remove whatever is growing on his face?

…Talk amongst yourselves…

Posted in NFL | Tagged: | Comments Off on MNF Question Of The Night

Vanderbilt Just Saved Our Ass

Posted by Agent Z-Ro on November 22, 2008

In a Saturday that the Football Wildcats had (mercifully) the week off, its previous and its upcoming opponents were duking it out at the creatively named Vanderbilt Stadium. The Filthy Volunteers from the University of Tennessee won convincingly 20-10 behind an apparently impressive second quarter in which they scored all of their 20 points. Offensively UT was running roughshod over the Commodores, compiling 243 rush yards in the contest; but the passing game was hilariously bad, only attempting nine passes and completing just four. With TWO picks! When your QB’s are that bad, I’ll give you the two completions for the picks because technically, they were completed passes. So the Volunteer quarterbacks (they played two) combined for a QB rating of 30.55 (with 6 for 9 passing in sarcastic asshole statland), sickly numbers for a high D-1 program.

The defense was king as they spent the day stonewalling the ‘Dores, allowing only 23 yards on defense on 28 rushes. 28 rushes! That equals up to less than one yard per rush. I would rip on Bobby Johnson for being one dimensional and not opening up the playbook, but the Steamboat Captains also attempted 43 passes, one of which was completed for a touchdown. A Tennessee touchdown. So it was pretty clear that today the ‘Vols established the run game and did not let go of the ball. It was a nauseating game to watch, but that was because of the day-glo orange that was tainting my television screen.

So how does that help us, the Wildcat nation? In the 16 years of Phillip Fulmer’s career, he has never NOT won more than two games in the SEC. His program’s decline has been a pleasure to witness, but let us not forget, he is a coach with seven SEC east titles and a National Championship. He would not just lie down and get thrashed in his last season and go out as ignominiously as only having one win in conference play. But I digress, it really doesn’t matter what that tub of Krispy Kreme’s reputation looks like when he leaves. But it does matter for the players. The Volunteers were mired in a 3-game losing streak and underneath a shadow from the cloud of Fulmer’s impending resignation and a very sour fan base. I have maintained since Nov. 3rd that his announcement that early in the season would provide inspiration and stir up pride for his team, and make the last game of the season against Kentucky a triumphant exit for the coach. Rockne would have be proud. Then the Volunteers showed how much they were willing to fight for their coach with a 7-13 loss to Wyoming at home. Yet they rallied against Vanderbilt today and got their second conference win, and with that we can only hope that they will be content with the domination of the state of Tennessee, and proceed to lay down against us.

I have been a fan of UK football since the Curry era, and in my entire life the Cats have not eaten Tennessee in football, 23 years. There have been many, many chances in that time, most notably in the last few years. But it has always resulted in a loss. 23 years. Imagine everything that has happened since November of 1984, but the one thing that hasn’t happened is UK beating UT in football. And GOD I hate Tennessee. For just a sampling of the list of reasons, my friend from the University of Alabama will take over:

So rest up boys, you have a coach to disgrace and a streak to kill.

Posted in Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA Football | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

A Day In The Life…

Posted by Matt on November 20, 2008

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.invincible4

10:15AM – 34 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

A package arrives for Mr. Mike Brown to 1 Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202. It’s a Netflix envelope. Millions of desperate fans now realize where money for a premier scouting department goes. The flick? Invincible starring Mark Wahlberg as Philadelphia Eagle “walk-on” Vince Papale.

12:00PM – 32 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Credits are rolling for Invincible

Mike Brown: “Brilliant! Get me Papale’s agent. If a guy with such gusto can walk-on for Coach Vermeil in Philadelphia we need to make a move for him by tomorrow night’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers at 8:15PM exclusively on the NFL Network!”

Apparently Mr. Brown has resorted to product placement advertisement even within his own Front Office. NFL Network pays him $1,000 for every mention. Proceeds go to his daughter’s extensive wardrobe of man-clothes:

katie_zoom Mike Brown: “If their quarterback is dumb enough to not know that there are ties in the NFL we should have no problem trading David Pollack for Vince Papale straight up. Hell, even I knew there are ties and I don’t know a damn thing about football. I will say, however, that I’ve been managing for ties my entire career because it is like I’ve always said, a tie is better than anything else!”

1:15PM – 31 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

At his daily press conference Marvin Lewis explains his team’s recent struggles.

Marvin Lewis: “Has anybody seen the movie Major League? Mr. Brown let me borrow it off of his Netflix queue, he’s a big Charlie Sheen fan. God, I love Netflix. Anyways, the movie inspired what I thought would be one of my more brilliant coaching strategies for the start of this season. I have always gotten my best coaching schemes from Hollywood, it is why I have a robust .483 professional winning percentage. This strategy has only failed me once, apparently you can’t get angels in the endzone. I thought it was worth a shot. Anyways, about this year. So after watching Major League I decided to install a cardboard stand-up of Katie Blackburn in the locker-room and I told the guys that every time we won a game I would peel off an article of clothing…just like in Major League. Obviously this hasn’t gone over too well…we’re 1-8-1; it seems most of the team would rather the cardboard Blackburn keep her clothes on. Carson actually vomited. So that one is on me, I take full responsibility.”

4:00PM – 28 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Vince Papale, now 62 years old and ravaged by dementia, reports to Bengals Compound confused and slightly intoxicated. Mike Brown has never been more excited by a league-minimum signing.

In the meantime, Fifth-Third Bank has frozen Mr. Brown’s account and put a hold on Papale’s paycheck. Even the seemingly-yet-not-admittedly gay bank teller thinks that the acquisition must be some kind of joke and that someone must have stolen a book of checks from Bengals Compound and forged Mr. Brown’s signature. Many Bengals fans are left to wonder why a similar observation hasn’t occurred sooner.

6:30PM – 25 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Team dinner is promptly served by recently signed lineman/linecook Digger Bujnoch and his family’s catering business, Booj’s. Mike Brown is as giddy as as school girl over the ability to get two services out of Bujnoch for the price of one and begins wondering if Chris Henry would be interested in selling Dippin’ Dots in the stands during defensive drives.

Patting himself on the back for another cost-cutting maneuver done well and unable to dine thanks to a potent case of irritable bowel syndrome, Mr. Brown retires to his quarters with a bottle of Metamucil and the latest Clay Aiken CD. The team leaves town for Pittsburgh shortly thereafter.mv5bmjezmdyymju4nf5bml5banbnxkftztywotixnzu5_v1_sx245_sy400_

Thursday, November 20, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.

6:30AM – 13 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Feeling refreshed and rested from the night’s sleep, Mr. Brown settles in his office for his morning coffee while Akili Smith massages BENGAY in to his boss’ aching and aging muscles. Reading the regional newspapers each morning with a cup of joe is always a treat for Mikey; it allows him to revisit each and everyday how well-received he is as team owner in the Cincinnati area.

10:00AM – 10 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

A virtual off-day for the Front Office with the team en route to Pittsburgh, Mr. Brown begins the search for more bargain-basement players to pad his lineup and his resume. It takes little time for a scavenger of Brown’s caliber to realize that Philadelphia has more to offer than just a walk-on wide receiver.

Mike Brown: “I want the ‘garbage picking field goal kicking Philadelphia phenomenon’ and I want him now! If the Eagles were dumb enough to give up Papale for pennies on the dollar, Barney Gorman should be virtually free. I’ll see to it that the league’s most accurate active kicker Shayne Graham never boots another field goal for this team the rest of his career! (shouting to son Paul) Tell ’em will give ’em Odell Thurman and a tub of Bujnoch’s cole slaw! (snickering)”

1:45PM – 6 hours, 30 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Katie Blackburn begins to salivate after watching the “Palumalu Island” promo for the 17th consecutive time while relaxing on her bed.

Katie Blackburn: “God a Troy Palumalu is sooo much sexier than a Troy Blackburn with that flowing Samoan hair. I can’t wait for the Steelers to make the playoffs this year. I know who I’m rooting for: The Pittsburgh Steelers. The one time I root for the teams in our division is when they are in the playoffs. Did I mention how dreamy Troy Palumalu is? I picked the wrong Troy.”

Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, upon receiving a provocative text message from Bengals Executive Vice President Katie Blackburn, Troy Palumalu vomits a little bit in his mouth.

5:15PM – 3 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:

Marvin Lewis address his team before heading out to complete walk-throughs, warm-ups, and pregame ceremonies.

Marvin Lewis: “Ask not what your team can do for you; ask what you can do for your team. I have a dream that tonight this team will rise up and live out the true meaning of being a Cincinnati Bengal. And after the fight has ended, I hope to stand before you as your leader and declare one thing: Mission Accomplished. Gentlemen I want you to remember one thing tonight: a victory is one small step for this season, but one giant leap for seasons to come. So go out there and give it all you’ve got and win just one for the Gipper because blessed are the victors; for they shall inherit the Division. Amen.”

7:00PM – 1 hour, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:

Mr. Brown declined to travel for a Thursday night game in chilly Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and with pregame coverage commencing, he decides instead to sit down with his latest Netflix arrival. There will be no tuning in to tonight’s contest between his Bengals and the hated Steelers because even Mike Brown is too cheap to pay for the NFL Network.

(Ed.’s Note: Thanks to Charlie Hustle for some inspiration for this complete waste of your time.)

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL, The Nasty Boys | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

SEC Rankings – The Return

Posted by Ryne E. Hancock on November 20, 2008

After returning home from the Big Easy on November 14th and witnessing history on the following day, I’m back again to present you the SEC Rankings for the week of November 16th.

1. Alabama (Auburn is looking to make a case on Thanksgiving Saturday to make a Bowl and seven in a row against the Tide. Problem is, this Tide squad is pretty damn good.)

2. Florida (Another SEC East title and a chance to head to the BCS when the SEC Championship Game takes place on December 6th. Florida has a cupcake and a team fighting for position in the ACC remaining on their schedule.)

3. LSU (Last year I asked Crichton graduate Grace Walker for grace when Mizzou played the Kansas Gayhawks Thanksgiving Saturday. Apparently that same grace Grace Walker brought that Saturday in Kansas City came to Baton Rouge when LSU made their historic comeback against Troy.)

4. Georgia (Narrow win against Auburn puts Dawgs in position for a chance to head to the Chik-Fil-A Bowl. Chances are, if they lose to Georgia Tech, then the Liberty Bowl will come calling. But I disgress.)

5. Ole Miss (Houston Nutt has done more with Coach O’s players than Coach O did with Coach O’s players)

6. Vanderbilt (A 26-year wait has ended in the West End. A win over Tennessee would make the 2008 Vanderbilt football season even sweeter.)

7. South Carolina (A woodshed beating was not a way to welcome Steve Spurrier back to Gainesville.)

8. Kentucky (It’s OK, UK fans, at least you guys are going to a Bowl game just like Vanderbilt.)

9. Auburn (Iron Bowl game should be a motivating factor with the Plainsmen. I mean, it’s against the #1 team in the country.)

10. Arkansas (Sense of urgency is needed for Hogs if they want to go to a Bowl game. They can start with a victory over Mississippi State.)

11. Tennessee (This week Crichton SGA President Mequitta Williams took a tour of the Knoxville campus with the Grim Reaper. Apparently, the Grim Reaper killed the Vols’ season long before they got there.)

12. Mississippi State (Didn’t this team go to a Bowl last year?)

My time’s up. Don’t forget, you can read more of my musings at my personal blog, “The Kid In The Press Box” at

Posted in NCAA Football | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

At Least I Still Have The Bengals…Right?

Posted by Matt on November 19, 2008

Last night’s Kentucky at North Carolina basketball game:



“The Debacle in the Dean Dome.” That’s what they’re calling it.

And by they I mean me.

Kentucky narrowly escaped a mere single-digit loss thanks to 28 turnovers to start the 2008-2009 campaign 0-2 for only the third time in the program’s storied history. North Carolina now sits just 14 wins shy of Kentucky’s all-time mark — the one record Wildcat fans have grabbed at straws with as the glory has faded from this once-dominant regime. A 19-point Tar Heel victory kicked off ESPN’s college basketball coverage with the #1 team in the Nation’s two best players idly watching from the bench as if to say, “the team doesn’t need us for these has-beens.”

I woke up this morning — much like ZRO did post-VMI embarrassment — hoping it was all a bad dream. That the visions of that rat Roy Williams applauding gleefully from the sidelines and Dickie V.’s 18 Duke/Coach K. references were all merely nightmares within the depths of my slumber.

A nightmare it may have been but oh-so-real it was.

I immediately headed for the showers, hoping to wash away the stank of losing and searching for a single glimmer of hope in the coming weeks — and unfortunately it’s not Longwood (that’s what she said) at home next Monday.

In fact, as I stepped out of the shower it dawned on me: at least I still have the Bengals…right?

My much maligned band of nobodies is on a three week non-losing streak. Something that cannot be said about the basketball OR football Wildcats.

Cincy completely bamboozled the Eagles on Sunday, snatching a tie from the jaws of victory after tricking Donovan McNabb in to believing that there were no ties in the NFL, that the next step would be penalty kicks.

Only the Bengals could provide such heart-warming tales like the acquisition of lineman Digger Bujnoch, literally signed out of the West Side of Cincinnati after no other NFL team would have him. A man who once earned a paycheck delivering Salisbury steaks to Mike Brown while working for his parents’ catering company, Booj’s, is now suiting up for the orange and black attack (I can’t make this stuff up).

And it is fitting this holiday season that the Bengals are now staffed primarily by players left behind by teams that lack the foresight of Cincy’s front office as Mike Brown’s heart has grown three sizes this season. The Digger Bujnochs, the Chris Crockers (surprisingly not this Chris Crocker), and even the Cedric Bensons are our very own Island of Misfit Toys a la the Christmas classic Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.

While I agonize in the state of my basketball Wildcats I still have these Bengals…my Bengals.

No other team could provide the emotional roller coaster ride or the laughs as the Bengals can. No other team could tug at the spirit with stories of sacrifice and redemption…for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th times. And no other team’s best player has gradually grown to resemble Little Richard since his arrival:


So when you’re gathered around the dinner table next week with your families for Thanksgiving, remember what you DO have (Chris Henry and Mike Brown) instead of what you DON’T have (a winning record after two games, ball security, a viable option at point guard, or a sober head coach) because, hey, at least we’re not Louisville fans:



Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA Basketball, NFL | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

That Was Depressing

Posted by Matt on November 18, 2008

If you had 23rd Turnover in the “When would MJ turn off the Kentucky game to do laundry for tomorrow?” Pool, please step forward to claim your prize.

Winner receives a coupon redeemable for one date-night with Charlie Hustle to the Spearmint Rhino…which is certainly more exciting than watching Kentucky basketball…

Posted in Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA Basketball | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

UK-VMI- The View From Section 217

Posted by Agent Z-Ro on November 18, 2008

Whether you have heard about it, saw it, or lived through it, Friday night’s loss to VMI was definitely a turd brown stain on the checked blue and white Kentucky jersey. I’m not going to wax poetic about the intricacies of coaching college basketball, because I am not an expert on the subject, nor am I going to lament about the final score. There are many other sports blogs that will ponder over that for this week and I want to be original, so this is all about the things that did not translate to TV. My friend obtained 2 tickets for the game and we went along, talking about SEC sports of all types. These are just random observations in no particular order of importance:

– Downtown Lexington will always be one of the greatest areas in all of college basketball to be at before a game. The waves of blue clad people are endless and always expanding as you walk along.

-Point of discussion and my opinion on it: There is no way that the SEC could ever serve alcohol at games. People get crazy enough at them already. Did you see a Bama fan killed two LSU fans? And that wasn’t even at a game. AND they had won!

– Going in as alumni rather than students is clearly better. You get to walk into a nice, decorated lobby and feel the heaters. Student entrance looks and feels more like prisoner transfer.

– I don’t care how many times I’ve done it, as soon as I turn a corner and see Rupp arena, it takes my breath away. The place is a goddamn cathedral of basketball.

– Patrick Patterson is a spectacle to see. You can read all the hype in the papers and internet but seeing that guy in person is impressive. He is jacked,and he is huge. With the ultra tight jersey, clown parachute pants, and the ‘fro, he looks like he just stepped out of Thunderdome. He should have a bandanna and ultimate warrior arm bands. We should work on a nickname with that.

– Pre-game warmups filled me with apprehension about this game. VMI was energetic, precise, and most importantly, relaxed. They looked ready, and that was my first tip-off of the coming storm.

– After the first couple three’s dropped in without so much as a clank of the rim, no one has really reacted, just sitting back and analyzing play. UK fans are interesting in this respect; they are rabid, undoubtedly, but only because they have researched the line-up like panty lines in a Victoria’s Secret catalog. We know the in and outs of the players, and a redneck behind me lets me know how “them boys looked in open practices”. It’s creepy how a 43 year old man is completely comfortable sharing his intimate knowledge of 15 18-23 year old men.

– More three’s are falling. It’s so quiet the shoe squeaks echo.

– Something I learned from the game: Man press will make you shit your pants, if I can glean anything from our guard play.

-Kentucky is now losing big. I can really appreciate VMI’s coach for playing the time-out game well. Anytime the crowd really started getting into it there would be a quick time out. Sometimes the Mo’ carried through but it was a good way to protect his players. The guy is out of control, acting out (rather emphatically) what he wanted his players to do, but he is controlled and aware at all times. It’s like he almost brings a military-like precision to the game. Hmm…

– Post about Patterson again: Seeing him beside the 4 guys on the court under 6’3″ makes him look even more like a giant. Unfortunately, it is a giant that has to guard a shooting forward. He is fast for a big guy, but he isn’t fast for a small guy. He’s been game-planned and the low post double teams are rendering him useless.

-I swear to God the Cats are stoned. Anytime we score a basket, we run down the court and start talking or looking off somewhere, while an Army-trained basketball player stabs the knife of the three into the kidneys of our scoreboard.

-I black out. I have terrible nightmares about turnover-laden basketball and being outrebounded by midgets in camoflage. I wake up several hours later in my bed screaming but Auntie Em and Uncle Henry are there to assure me it was just a dream with a cup of cocoa and a pre-warmed crack pipe. Then I have to build a go-cart with a ocelot. I realize I’m still dreaming and wake up just in time to see the final score.

If someone could let me know what happened that would be great, I missed the second half.

Posted in Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA Basketball | Tagged: | 5 Comments »

Comparing Teams By The Numbers

Posted by Matt on November 13, 2008

Below is a side-by-side comparison of two current anonymous college football powerhouses that have a legitimate shot at, if not inside track to, the BCS National Championship game. I use the term “anonymous” loosely because if you really sit and think about how the numbers are laid out, you can figure out the two teams fairly quickly and that my lead to a personal bias. So don’t do that. Take an objective look at these numbers for victories only and realize how impressive both sides really are.

Weekly Margins Of Victory

Team A

Team B






























Total Games



Total Points For/Against



Average Scores



Average Margin



# Of Ranked Opponents



Bold margins denotes games against ranked opponents.

The majority of each teams’ column is comprised of that week’s margin of victory as opposed to score just to mask the games some and to look at games in a more basic fashion. Team B is scoring nearly as much per game as is Team A — and against a similar number of ranked opponents — while allowing far fewer points on defense. Of course Team A has been more consistently good accounting for 10 games versus Team B’s 8.

Which is the better team between Team A and Team B? You decide. Is either team the best team in the Nation? Who knows. And will these two teams play in the BCS National Championship? Only time will tell.

Two things that are for certain, however, is that both teams are playing some of the best — if not THE best — football in the country right now and a lot has to happen before any of the above questions can be answered. But by that time, answering the above questions will be that much easier.

Either way, the comparisons are remarkable. College football at its best.

P.S. If you haven’t already figured it out yet, Team A is Texas Tech and Team B is Florida…but don’t tell anyone, it will be our little secret…

Posted in NCAA Football | Tagged: , | Comments Off on Comparing Teams By The Numbers

Charlie Hustle’s Quote Of The Day

Posted by Matt on November 12, 2008

Ed.’s Note: Once again, this gem was left on my desktop by the legendary Charlie Hustle…

Regarding ESPN’s “The Talented Mr. Roto” Matthew Berry and this article:

“He’s a fantasy football expert which officially puts him on the women attractiveness scale right below toll booth worker.  It’s like he meets some chick at the bar and when she politely asks him what he does for a living and he responds ‘Fantasy Football Expert,’ there is absolutely no follow up question given; the same confused look as if he said child rapist.”

Other Charlie Hustle Randmoness:

Posted in General Sports | Tagged: , , , | Comments Off on Charlie Hustle’s Quote Of The Day

Jared Lorenzen Has A Son?

Posted by Matt on November 11, 2008


I normally don’t post on things making rounds through the blogosphere (Ed. Note: with the exception of Allison Stokke) because by the time I find something, too many bloggers have already had something to say and probably said it better/funnier than I can.

That being said, I just couldn’t pass on this one.

Coming to us via Varsity 845 is the story of Ellenville (NY) Central High School senior quarterback Tony Casamento, who tips the scales at 305 pounds. Yes, their quarterback weighs as much as a college lineman.

Now I am not going to go on record making fun of this fatass because I think he has some sort of glandular problem or something; I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.

What I will point out is the striking resemblance young Tony has to former University of Kentucky quarterback Jared Lorenzen, who also topped out at well over 300 pounds during his food-destructing prime.


The inevitable comparisons have conjured up memories of Kentucky football seasons gone by, recalling such endearing Lorenzen nicknames as “The Hefty Lefty,” “Pillsbury Throwboy,” “The Round Mound Of Touchdown,” and “U.S.S. Lorenzen.”

Ah, those were the good ol’ days.

So to Casamento I say: If nobody else accepts you as a transpositioned quarterback (I know its tough feeling like one person stuck in the body of another), know that you have a home being a fat quarterback in Lexington.

We’ll even save the #22 jersey for you.

Posted in Kentucky Wildcats | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

SEC Rankings – Election Week

Posted by Ryne E. Hancock on November 7, 2008


After electing our first African-American president in Barack Obama and surviving an assassination attempt, I’m here once again to present to you the SEC Power Rankings for the week of November 2nd.

1. Alabama (Don’t expect these guys to fall off the top anytime soon. Of course, there’s a chance that LSU could beat the Tide in Baton Rouge as part of Nick Saban’s return to Death Valley.)

2. Florida (Looks to be a clear road for the Gators in quest for the SEC East crown. But Vanderbilt always seems to play the Gators close and could, if the football gods allow it, beat the Gators for the first time since 1988.)

3. South Carolina (Let it be shown that the Gamecocks got Fulmer fired, whether  or not you agree with the way it was done.)

4. Kentucky (Three straight bowl games, something that hasn’t happened in a long time, has the folks in Lexington beaming with glee.)

5. LSU (Your former coach is coming, men. How will you respond?)

6. Georgia (Blowout loss hurt Dawgs’ chances at SEC East crown.)

7. Ole Miss (Nutt is doing a great job turning the fortunes of the Rebel football program around.)

8. Vanderbilt (Bye week was needed for ‘Dores.)

9. Auburn (Tigers can still reach .500 in the SEC West.)

10. Arkansas (They deserved to be ranked higher than Tennessee.)

11. Tennessee (Remaining games are for pride, not for too much of anything else.)

12. Missississippi State (Basketball’s looking good these days in Starkville.)

My time’s up. You’ve been a great audience.

Posted in NCAA Football | Tagged: , | Comments Off on SEC Rankings – Election Week

Change Has Come, So Let’s Get To Work

Posted by Ryne E. Hancock on November 5, 2008


With the election over and done with, the new tasks that our sports world will take on as Barack Obama becomes this nation’s 44th president will be without question daunting.

Obama’s win will give hope and change to a huge following of Chicago Cub fans like Bob Swerski who believe with all their hearts that the Lovable Losers will win their first World Series in over a century.

Yes they can.

This win for America will give new meaning to success stories, stories like the 2008 Tampa Bay Rays, who went from perennial losers to World Series participants.

Yes they did.

The Memphis Tigers, the unwanted stepchild of the NCAA Tournament, are winners of three straight Conference-USA Championships, winners of a record-38 wins that earned them a berth in the NCAA title game proving that, although you’re in a so-called weak conference, you can achieve the impossible.

Yes they did.

Crichton’s volleyball team, who went from going 0-fer to being one of the best in the country this year, because of the talent that has been brought in with players like Kelsey Watson and sophomores Rachel Walton and Jasmine Vann.

Yes they can.

The Fresno State Bulldogs, who if not for Josh Hamilton and the Rays, would probably have been my pick for best baseball story of the year, beat the mighty Georgia Bulldogs to win the College World Series.

Yes they did.

There’s been so many stories in sports of change and hope this year, whether it was Josh Hamilton’s performance in the 2008 All-Star Home Run Derby to the redemption of Brad Lidge, who until the 2008 World Series was known for giving up El Hombre’s home run in the 2005 NLCS and Scott Posedneik’s walk-off in the World Series, was able to bounce back and record the final out of this year’s World Series.

True we do have haters of Obama as we do haters of this website you are reading now.

But all bullshit aside, we should put down our differences and unite as sport fans and Americans.

It doesn’t matter if you voted for McCain or Obama (as I did).

Because at the end of the day, we are all Americans.

Now that the change has come for our country, it’s time for us to get to work and make this country great for sports and democracy.

Posted in General Sports | 1 Comment »

A Ransom Note

Posted by Agent Z-Ro on November 4, 2008

Hello, I have something that may be of interest to you. I know Matt will be interested. People have been looking for this for the last 9 weeks, and it was harder to find than the list of women Rex Grossman hasn’t banged. It’s called the Bengals’ season, and I have it in my custody. I hadn’t bought in to the hype, that the complete reversion to the Bungles days were back.

After Palmer went down, things looked downright dreadful and there were echos of the Yuccaneers’ winless season. I saw the 31st overall ranked offense and said,”they are bound to get better any week, they have the tools, they just aren’t putting it together”. But they didn’t and I finally bet on Cincinnati to suck against the Jaguars D.

Then I saw something strange happen on Saturday. Ryan “Fighting Crimson (no really!)” Fitzpatrick did a couple very convincing Mike Vick impersonations and was slinging it all over the field while still averaging less than 10 yards a pass. Chad Ocho Cinco started looking like Chad Johnson, and unsurprisingly started acting like him. They even tried to give the game away at the end, which saved my defensive points this week, yet still couldn’t lose the game. So what sort of bargaining chip do I have in order for this ransom note to be effective?

My fantasy team.

Why does any of this make sense? Because I’m like Neo. For fantasy football. But the other way. I suck at it, really bad, to the point where I have not finished above second to last place for the last two seasons. But mysteriously, as soon as I bank on the orange-and-blacks to suck, they go nuts. So my demands are simple: either Bengals fans pay me and I add defenses that are playing them, saving your season. Or I don’t play the opposing defense and you return to nauseatingly bad.

Maybe some of you will say “Gee, Zach, winning would be nice, but we want the #1 pick. We don’t want to win anymore”.


I saw how you people got when they had one good year. You got worse than Massholes, when I heard an accent developing every time I listened to some over-privileged white kid bark, “Aye wuz heah since the fahkin staht. We ah the best fans evah!”.

So don’t give me that. You know you want this action, if only to make up for the arrests, suspensions, injuries, internal distractions, morally crushing injuries, and the cuts of two of the people that made up that 2005 team because they didn’t want to pay them out.

If you want to have some dignity, transfer eleventy billion dollars to:

Somefake Bank

Account #: 1234567

I await your reply.

Posted in Cincinnati Bengals, NFL | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Election Day Redux: If I Were President

Posted by Matt on November 4, 2008

Ed.’s Note: This piece first ran two days after the Super Bowl on “Super Tuesday” in February at the start of the Presidential campaigns.  Enjoy (hopefully) on this Election Day…


All of this Super Tuesday talk has really gotten me in the mood to talk politics.  Wait, who am I kidding?  I could careless about politics unless Boomer Esiason is running for the Oval Office; however, I do know what I would do if I were ever elected to office.

If I’m President…

  • The Monday after the Super Bowl will be a National holiday. – How many of you took any time off of work this past Monday?  1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…11…12…wow, OK, let’s try this again.  How many of you WENT to work on Monday?  1…2…….5.  A total of five.  The five who went to work on Monday does not include yours truly.
  • The White House will be repainted Kentucky blue and renamed accordingly. – GO BIG BLUE!
  • The phrase “Play ball!” will be recited by everyone in the Chamber prior to the State of the Union Address. – Self explanatory.
  • Every American citizen will get the first two days of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament off to “do their taxes.” – Let’s be honest, you already have your taxes e-filed with H&R Block software, and with direct deposit you’ll have your return before Valentine’s Day (and thank God because the old lady has REALLY been riding your ass this year) but upper management doesn’t have to know this.
  • The Presidential safe-haven known as “Camp David” will be relocated to Sarasota, Florida in February and March. – It will also be renamed “Reds’ Spring Training.”
  • All state-side National Hockey League teams will be relocated to Canada.  Permanently. – If I could have ever followed that damn puck on television, the NHL might have stood more of a chance.  Sorry guys, but it’s nothing personal.
  • All East-coast ESPN offices will be relocated to the West Coast.  Permanently. –  We’re all tired of hearing about the New England Patriots, the Duke Blue Devils, and Big Ten football.  Sorry guys, but it’s likely personal.
  • Congress will be comprised of the winning teams of the World Series, the Super Bowl, and the NBA Finals, along with the winners of the Master’s Tournament, the Indianapolis 500, the Daytona 500, and the Kentucky Derby — the horse, not the jockey. – These athletes are likely more recognizable than anyone ACTUALLY in Congress now and most of them could probably make better decisions as well — the horse included.
  • September 2nd will be a National Day of Remembrance. – It’s Adolph Rupp’s birthday.  It’s the least you can do.
  • Instead of “Carbon Offsets” for corporations there will be “Dick Vitale Offsets.” – And ESPN will have to buy a whole hell of a lot of them if they ever want to hear Dickie V. talk again.
  • And finally: Ric Flair will be my Vice President, Billy Gillispie will be my Chief of Staff, Pete Rose will be my Secretary of the Treasury, Ken Griffey Junior will be my Secretary of Defense, Rich Brooks will be my director of F.E.M.A. (for rebuilding), Chad Johnson will be my Press Secretary, and Erin Andrews will be my First Lady. – Need I say more?


Posted in General Sports | Tagged: | 6 Comments »