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Election Day Redux: If I Were President

Posted by Matt on November 4, 2008

Ed.’s Note: This piece first ran two days after the Super Bowl on “Super Tuesday” in February at the start of the Presidential campaigns.  Enjoy (hopefully) on this Election Day…


All of this Super Tuesday talk has really gotten me in the mood to talk politics.  Wait, who am I kidding?  I could careless about politics unless Boomer Esiason is running for the Oval Office; however, I do know what I would do if I were ever elected to office.

If I’m President…

  • The Monday after the Super Bowl will be a National holiday. – How many of you took any time off of work this past Monday?  1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…11…12…wow, OK, let’s try this again.  How many of you WENT to work on Monday?  1…2…….5.  A total of five.  The five who went to work on Monday does not include yours truly.
  • The White House will be repainted Kentucky blue and renamed accordingly. – GO BIG BLUE!
  • The phrase “Play ball!” will be recited by everyone in the Chamber prior to the State of the Union Address. – Self explanatory.
  • Every American citizen will get the first two days of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament off to “do their taxes.” – Let’s be honest, you already have your taxes e-filed with H&R Block software, and with direct deposit you’ll have your return before Valentine’s Day (and thank God because the old lady has REALLY been riding your ass this year) but upper management doesn’t have to know this.
  • The Presidential safe-haven known as “Camp David” will be relocated to Sarasota, Florida in February and March. – It will also be renamed “Reds’ Spring Training.”
  • All state-side National Hockey League teams will be relocated to Canada.  Permanently. – If I could have ever followed that damn puck on television, the NHL might have stood more of a chance.  Sorry guys, but it’s nothing personal.
  • All East-coast ESPN offices will be relocated to the West Coast.  Permanently. –  We’re all tired of hearing about the New England Patriots, the Duke Blue Devils, and Big Ten football.  Sorry guys, but it’s likely personal.
  • Congress will be comprised of the winning teams of the World Series, the Super Bowl, and the NBA Finals, along with the winners of the Master’s Tournament, the Indianapolis 500, the Daytona 500, and the Kentucky Derby — the horse, not the jockey. – These athletes are likely more recognizable than anyone ACTUALLY in Congress now and most of them could probably make better decisions as well — the horse included.
  • September 2nd will be a National Day of Remembrance. – It’s Adolph Rupp’s birthday.  It’s the least you can do.
  • Instead of “Carbon Offsets” for corporations there will be “Dick Vitale Offsets.” – And ESPN will have to buy a whole hell of a lot of them if they ever want to hear Dickie V. talk again.
  • And finally: Ric Flair will be my Vice President, Billy Gillispie will be my Chief of Staff, Pete Rose will be my Secretary of the Treasury, Ken Griffey Junior will be my Secretary of Defense, Rich Brooks will be my director of F.E.M.A. (for rebuilding), Chad Johnson will be my Press Secretary, and Erin Andrews will be my First Lady. – Need I say more?



6 Responses to “Election Day Redux: If I Were President”

  1. Erin Andrews aint bad… but I’m more a Rachel Nichols fan myself

  2. Matt said

    When Rachel Nichols talks she does weird things when opening and closing her mouth……wait, I see what you did there.

  3. hahaha, glad you caught on

  4. If you was president, could I be secretary of pimpin?

  5. The General said

    I’ll be the horse’s chief of staff/ interpreter.

  6. ZRO said

    Love the seal…and erin is way hotter…Plus Rachel Nichols doesn’t blink ever

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