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ESPY Awards Review

Posted by Bob Swerski on July 21, 2008

There are very few things which piss me off more than the ESPY awards. This is probably due to the fact that if you have seen 1 ESPY award show then you have seen them all. Let’s review what happened last night (which also happens at every other ESPY show).

1. When giving out the ESPY for Best Female Athlete, the group always has to include some random sport which is either in the Olympics or not in the mainstream (as if any female sport is “mainstream”). This year they decided to nominate a skier, but ultimately the basketball chick won.

2. Will Ferrell has to promote his movie whether or not it has anything to do with sports.

3. There will always be some athlete who is dressed in a $20,000 suit who wins an award and then has to go on a “I thank my Lord Jesus Christ who makes all things possible.” This year it was David Tyree from the Giants who even had the audacity to talk about “bringing about the Kingdom of God.” Dude. You play football. Get over yourself.

4. Toward the end of the show, which probably pisses me off more than any other aspect, is the Jimmy Valvano Award. Each year they go through the whole same story about how great Jimmy V. was (and he was great), and how someone who is a comeback story for everyone. It isn’t necessarily the award which pisses me off more than the douche bags who they show after the award. It is always men and women who are borderline in tears or are in fact weeping like assholes. This year the cake topper was when some woman (it might have been Fergie, but I’ll have to check the tape again) said “wow” as if somehow Kevin Everett’s story was the most touching thing which she has ever witnessed. I have utmost respect for Kevin Everett and his comeback, but come on… seriously?? Wow? It is just a bunch of losers with too much money who go over the top to try and show people they have emotion when in fact, most of them don’t.

5. Similar to number 1, they always try to promote sports which frankly no one gives a shit about (soccer, BMX, lacrosse, hockey, NBA). Then they have to pick the greatest current or former player in said sport to come and try to explain to people why their sport is great even though no one gives a shit. Afterwards everyone feels that said sport is indeed the greatest until next year when some new sport will give the people some fad to buy into. Who knows what crappy sport will be put on the pedestal next year.

The bottom line is that the ESPY awards suck. The worst part is that they try to pawn it off on us the fans: “The winner that the fans voted for is….” AAANNNDDD no one cares. All that I want to see from the ESPYs is hot female athletes dressed in slutty little dresses.


5 Responses to “ESPY Awards Review”

  1. jj said

    chill it was an awards show.

  2. Matt said

    It is tough to chill when you’re in a beer-induced belligerence…apparently you don’t know Bob too well…

  3. Jamie said

    “There’s no way I can get up here and not just dedicate this ESPY to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and dedicate this to the kingdom of God coming to Super Bowl 42.”

  4. Chris said

    David Tyree is extremely religious because he is an ex drug addict and after he was arrested he found God and never touched the stuff again…so get your facts before you talk shit.

  5. hmm… my facts right. I fail to see how winning the Superbowl brings about the Kingdom of God. I have read scripture and theologians of all different faiths (getting my masters and doctorate in theology and all), and in this study I have come to one realization: Jesus’ death on the cross (if that is what you believe as apparently David Tyree does) is God’s grace given to us for the redemption of sin. According to most Christian theologians, especially Dietrich Bonhoeffer, this grace however is costly and requires discipleship. I don’t see how this discipleship comes to it’s fruition by a guy who lives in one of the biggest houses on the block, drives the fanciest car possible, and is in a suit that probably costs more than most people make in a year. My point: If you want to bring about the Kingdom of God and want to dedicate anything to God (as apparently David Tyree does) it requires more than winning a Superbowl and dedicating an award to God. Sorry, I don’t see the correlation between excessive consumption, and religious devotion.

    As for needing to chill because it is just an award show. Maybe you are right. It still sucks ass though.

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