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Sooooo… I’m A Dick

Posted by Bob Swerski on April 10, 2008


Question: What do Jeff Bagwell, Adam Morrison, and Jason Isringhausen have in common?

Answer: They have all responded to my heckling with either obscenities or immaturity.

Let me first say that I pride myself on dogging the opposing team in an attempt to help the team I’m rooting for win. With the exception of Caesar Izturis and Ryan Dumpster last year, I tend not to heckler any sports team from Chicago except for the White Sox. In my heckling I try to keep it clean from curse words but get as personal as possible.

Now I shall set the mood. I’m sitting a few rows back on the first base side at Wrigley Field. Jeff Bagwell was the first baseman for the Astros, and wouldn’t toss the game ball to the kids sitting in the stands. This annoyed me for some reason so I started out simply questioning. “Hey Bagwell, why don’t you throw the kids the ball?” Since he wasn’t responding or throwing the kids the ball I figured what the hell, I’ll answer my own question. “Hey Bagwell, What? You need the balls? How bout you send your wife over so she can experience a real man for once.” After that, whenever he would enter or leave the dugout, myself and some of the fans around me would call him “Ball-less Bagwell.” We also referenced his ridiculous batting stance implying that he likes to spread open his rear end for men. He proceeded to give me the finger and eventually hit a home run and pointed at me. Mission somewhat accomplished, but desired effect (him playing poorly) unattained.

A few years after this, my friend got 3rd row Bulls tickets and took me to the game because he wanted to see me in action and didn’t mind getting thrown out of the game. The Bulls played the Charlotte Bobcats, so the scorn was directed at Adam Morrison. I decided against starting it off gentle and attacked full force. I called him a cry baby because of what he did during the final four, I commented on his “dirty sanchez” facial hair and asked if his boyfriend gave him it, I let everything fly. During the half time shoot around he started coming in my direction and another team mate had to hold him back. He sat the entire third quarter (I like to claim it was because his coach saw what happened with me). We had called my friend’s dad at this point and told him to watch because of what transpired between Morrison and I. While his team was shooting free throws, Morrison is on tv making “fat” hand gestures at me and yelling at me. I swear to God, get a video of the first Bulls v. Bobcats game in 2006 and you will see for yourself. The mission this time was accomplished as Adam Morrison went 1-12 shooting and the Bulls won by about 40 points.

Finally, last year I was sitting in the bleachers at Wrigley a few rows back with my brother in-law. We had been drinking and it was a warm summer day when the Cubs were playing the rival Cardinals. This time the object of my scorn was anyone and everyone. The person who responded was Jason Isringhausen. I mentioned about how he blows more saves then his wife blows other men, and things similar to that nature. Isringhausen went nuts. He started yelling at me. eventually calling me a “fat faggot.” Hundreds of people are witnesses to this bigoted language. At this point the Manager, Tony LaRussa, ran out of the dugout and sent Isringhausen to the other side of the field to move him away from me. Mission once again accomplished as the Cubbies went on to win the game.

The reason I’m telling you these stories? This Saturday I possess 2 tickets to the Phillies v. Cubs game here in the grotesque city of brotherly hatred. These tickets are row 1 directly behind left fielder Pat Burrell. I hope to have a story about what transpires from the game on Sunday or Monday. If anyone has any knowledge of something Burrell has done, please post it as a comment so I can make sure he hears about it Saturday evening as my Cubbies beat up on the Phils. I leave you with a Bud Light commercial which they wrote about me (not really but it damn well could have been).


11 Responses to “Sooooo… I’m A Dick”

  1. Matt said

    A knockout, per usual Bob.

    Also, Pat Burrell ate my first born.

  2. I’m probably gonna get hanged on Saturday

  3. Condo said

    From Wikipedia about Pat “The Bat” Burrell:

    Conflict with Billy Wagner

    Burrell’s home runs against the Mets gained notoriety also due to the intense dislike between Burrell and former Phillie teammate Billy Wagner. Burrell has homered twice off of Wagner in four at bats, resulting in two blown saves for Wagner in the 2007 season, which accounted for half of Wagner’s four overall blown saves.

    In 2006, following his joining the Mets, Wagner revealed that Burrell had called him “a rat” during his time in Philadelphia and once led a team intervention against him, with Burrell and other Phillies players criticizing Wagner for publicly blaming other Phillies players for various losses. Once with the Mets, Wagner revealed that his personality conflict with Burrell and other Phillies players aligned with Burrell was a deciding factor in Wagner’s decision to depart the Phillies.

  4. Matt said

    Good CSI work, Chris. I am sure Joe can put this to good use.

  5. Aedhelgrim said

    I have some bad news, Bob. Apparently, he likes heat, so you may need a different target. How about mentioning the Phillie’s record-setting 10,000th loss last year? If you want a target, I would go for Chase Utley. He’s a power, but he’s… DAMN IT!!! I can’t even hate the guy! Maybe some more research…

  6. good ideas. I guess I’ll have to stick to some general ribbing…. ie. talking about how I screw his wife or maybe I’ll call him “pat the rat”… see if I get a response. The problem will be the fans. People in kill-adelphia are crazy enough without giving them provocation.

  7. MoonDog said

    “eventually calling me a “fat faggot.” Hundreds of people are witnesses to this bigoted language”

    I guess it’s no worse than telling Bagwell you’d show his wife what a real man was like.

  8. Matt said

    lol — I think Bob was being sarcastic all the way around…

  9. I was being sarcastic. However me making a personal attack against an individual and him using hateful language which is rooted in bigotry is not the same. But I don’t really care that much.

  10. MoonDog said

    lol – I noted the sarcasm. I’m a jackass by nature though. I’d disagree with you Bob. You sound like you can dish, but don’t like it dished back. No offense.

    Know the best way to avoid all of that? Keep your mouth shut and watch the game.

  11. Matt said

    How’d that game turn out? Oops, another game back of the Cardinals.

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