Sooooo… I’m A Dick
Posted by Bob Swerski on April 10, 2008
Question: What do Jeff Bagwell, Adam Morrison, and Jason Isringhausen have in common?
Answer: They have all responded to my heckling with either obscenities or immaturity.
Let me first say that I pride myself on dogging the opposing team in an attempt to help the team I’m rooting for win. With the exception of Caesar Izturis and Ryan Dumpster last year, I tend not to heckler any sports team from Chicago except for the White Sox. In my heckling I try to keep it clean from curse words but get as personal as possible.
Now I shall set the mood. I’m sitting a few rows back on the first base side at Wrigley Field. Jeff Bagwell was the first baseman for the Astros, and wouldn’t toss the game ball to the kids sitting in the stands. This annoyed me for some reason so I started out simply questioning. “Hey Bagwell, why don’t you throw the kids the ball?” Since he wasn’t responding or throwing the kids the ball I figured what the hell, I’ll answer my own question. “Hey Bagwell, What? You need the balls? How bout you send your wife over so she can experience a real man for once.” After that, whenever he would enter or leave the dugout, myself and some of the fans around me would call him “Ball-less Bagwell.” We also referenced his ridiculous batting stance implying that he likes to spread open his rear end for men. He proceeded to give me the finger and eventually hit a home run and pointed at me. Mission somewhat accomplished, but desired effect (him playing poorly) unattained.
A few years after this, my friend got 3rd row Bulls tickets and took me to the game because he wanted to see me in action and didn’t mind getting thrown out of the game. The Bulls played the Charlotte Bobcats, so the scorn was directed at Adam Morrison. I decided against starting it off gentle and attacked full force. I called him a cry baby because of what he did during the final four, I commented on his “dirty sanchez” facial hair and asked if his boyfriend gave him it, I let everything fly. During the half time shoot around he started coming in my direction and another team mate had to hold him back. He sat the entire third quarter (I like to claim it was because his coach saw what happened with me). We had called my friend’s dad at this point and told him to watch because of what transpired between Morrison and I. While his team was shooting free throws, Morrison is on tv making “fat” hand gestures at me and yelling at me. I swear to God, get a video of the first Bulls v. Bobcats game in 2006 and you will see for yourself. The mission this time was accomplished as Adam Morrison went 1-12 shooting and the Bulls won by about 40 points.
Finally, last year I was sitting in the bleachers at Wrigley a few rows back with my brother in-law. We had been drinking and it was a warm summer day when the Cubs were playing the rival Cardinals. This time the object of my scorn was anyone and everyone. The person who responded was Jason Isringhausen. I mentioned about how he blows more saves then his wife blows other men, and things similar to that nature. Isringhausen went nuts. He started yelling at me. eventually calling me a “fat faggot.” Hundreds of people are witnesses to this bigoted language. At this point the Manager, Tony LaRussa, ran out of the dugout and sent Isringhausen to the other side of the field to move him away from me. Mission once again accomplished as the Cubbies went on to win the game.
The reason I’m telling you these stories? This Saturday I possess 2 tickets to the Phillies v. Cubs game here in the grotesque city of brotherly hatred. These tickets are row 1 directly behind left fielder Pat Burrell. I hope to have a story about what transpires from the game on Sunday or Monday. If anyone has any knowledge of something Burrell has done, please post it as a comment so I can make sure he hears about it Saturday evening as my Cubbies beat up on the Phils. I leave you with a Bud Light commercial which they wrote about me (not really but it damn well could have been).
This entry was posted on April 10, 2008 at 8:21 PM and is filed under General Sports. Tagged: AUTHOR:BOB SWERSKI. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
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