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How To Fix The Reds

Posted by Charlie Hustle on July 2, 2007

 guardado2.jpg  white_castle.jpg

Step 1: Convince George Steinbrenner to purchase team….

 Just kidding.

 After the firing of Jerry Narron (thank God it’s not too late, since we’re only 16 1/2 games out of the division) the fans finally have something to talk about. A new manager means that somebody can officially be “blamed” for the worst record in baseball.

My main thought on Jerry Narron or any manager for that matter, is that unless your team has the least talent – you shouldn’t be in last place. The Reds certainly don’t have the least talent in MLB, despite the worst record, or else I wouldn’t bother writing this column.

So here’s how to fix the Reds…


– Unless your name is Ken Griffey Junior, if you are 35+ years old, you don’t need to be playing significant innings for this club. So…

Trade David Weathers – He’s our only real bargaining chip in the bullpen, and a lot of contenders will need help down the stretch. It might sound weird trading our best bullpen pitcher, but he’s working on 38 years old. How many old arms do we need to see fall apart before we realize we should get younger?

Trade (if possible) Scott Hatteberg – I’m sure some team out there needs a left handed bat to come off the bench. But realistically, is there another team in the majors that would run a platoon at 1B where Hatteberg is providing the power at 7 HRs (compared to Conine’s 4), while even our fucking Shortstop has 13 HRs

Trade Adam Dunn – It’s undeniable this guy would be a perfect DH for some American League team. But we’re not in the American League. We lead the league in home runs and we have the worst record. So who gives a fuck if a few less fans get souvenirs. He has value now and it’s declining everyday that we still have this guy.


Mike Stanton
Eddie Guardado
Jeff Conine
David Ross

Give Fat Eddie and Chubbs Stanton their Golden Buckeye cards and their pink slips. Oh yeah, and sorry Dave, you gotta hit above .200 to make my lineup cocksucker.


P Phil Dumatrait (8-5, 3.63 ERA)
1B Joey Votto (.314 AVG, 10 HR, 46 RBIs)


Fat Eddie aside, we shouldn’t have people like Adam Dunn and Todd Coffey showing up to Spring Training at 260+ lbs. That’s not a fucking professional attitude whatsoever.

How do we expect the Dunner to snag fly balls when he can hardly bend over to tie his shoelaces without falling over?


Excluding rosters moves, here’s how the lineup should look:

Freel (Should be back soon)
Dunn (or Hamilton)

It’s not that hard. Keep it the fucking same. You’ll be amazed how much more consistent hitters are when they encounter many of the same situations/runners on base from game-to-game. 


Realistically, the Reds will never make the playoffs with their current roster. But we’re not THAT far away, 1 or 2 free agent signings can be the difference. Here’s a list of some of the 2008 free agents (age in parentheses):

1. John Smoltz (41)
2. Carlos Zambrano (27)
3. Joe Nathan (33)
4. Mariano Rivera (38)
5. Jorge Posada (36)
6. Curt Schilling (41)
7. Bobby Abreu (34)
8. Ichiro Suzuki (34)
9. Andruw Jones (31)
10. Carlos Guillen (32)
11. Jeff Kent (40)
12. Mike Lowell (34)
13. Jason Jennings (29)
14. Jake Westbrook (30)
15. Ivan Rodriguez (36)
16. Freddy Garcia (32)
17. Kenny Rogers (43)
18. Torii Hunter (32)
19. Jason Isringhausen (35)
20. Omar Vizquel (41)
21. Marcus Giles (30)
22. Eric Byrnes (32)
23. Paul Lo Duca (36)
24. Bob Wickman (39)
25. Corey Patterson (28)
26. Adam Dunn (28)
27. Scott Linebrink (31)
28. Michael Barrett (31)
29. Milton Bradley (30)
30. Jon Lieber (38)
31. David Eckstein (33)
32. Aaron Rowand (30)
33. Juan Uribe (29)
34. Bartolo Colon (35)

 … 23 of these guys are 35 years old or less.

Speaking of free agents… This list is provided by and has Adam Dunn ranked 26th for next year, even lower than 400+ lb. reliever Bob Wickman. The longer we hold on to him, the less value he has. So shit or get off the pot Krivsky.


There’s a reason why the Cubs sell out almost every game, even though they usually suck. Most people go to Wrigley to drink. And they also go to the apartments above Waveland Ave. to drink and watch the game. The bar/restaurant life is so abundant, it doesn’t matter whether they win or lose – people want to be there.

Meanwhile, I don’t want to walk two blocks in the wrong direction away from Great American or I’m afraid I’ll be fleeced by some vagrant just out on parole.

Unless we’re all willing to just give up the city of Cincinnati to fucking bums and murderers like its Escape From New York, which personally I’m not, how about we build a fan-friendly bar district close to the stadium. It could double as a hang out for Bengals games (since they consistently sell out now) for fans wanting to tailgate.

If we could have more Reds fans at the games, then I would imagine that would translate into more revenue for free agents? You just have to give fans a reason to go, and it’s not to drop bums change into cups.

And while we’re at it, Castellini should hire women models to be “seat fillers” at games and talk up a bunch of the drunks. They could show them on the Reds TV broadcast coming back from commercials. As a man, if you see hot women over and over at the games, are you telling me that you wouldn’t be inclined to attend a few more? It sure as hell works for Hooters.

This would also keep Marty Brenneman distracted, as I believe he’s one more Dunn error away from FedEx’ing a turd sandwich to the stadium marked ATTN: WAYNE KRIVSKY…

And lastly…


This is the most important aspect to me, and one I hope the new interim manager focuses on.

I was watching a sports report on the former great Ozzie Smith. He was talking about when he got traded from the Padres to the Cardinals, they were complaining about his bat (or lack thereof). Ozzie responded by saying the following…

“What difference does it make whether I drive in 100 runs, or stop 100 runs from coming in?”

This is so true. It’s so fucking unacceptable to me to have our Left Fielder consistently botch plays in the outfield. Why isn’t our Shortstop being benched after making error after error on easy plays when he can clearly make the few hard ones? And don’t get me started on Edwin “Don’t call me Error” Encarnacion.

Here’s a few stats for you

–The Reds have played 39 games this year decided by 2 runs or less.

–The Reds record in those games is 13-26.

–“Late innings” is 7th inning on. I am including extra innings and factoring in the couple of times we did not bat in the 9th.

–In 18 of those 39 games, the Reds failed to score any runs in the late innings.

–In only 11 of those 39 games did the Reds score more than one run in the late innings.

–In those 39 games, the Reds have played (offense) in 131 innings. They have a TOTAL of 35 runs in those innings.

–This is an average of .27 runs per game over the late innings.

All we needed was a few manufactured runs or a few runs taken away. Speed on the basepaths and defense on the field could be the difference between 5-10 games back of the division and 16-20, which is where we are headed. 

The Reds aren’t really that far off if we emphasize the right areas: give the youthful players a chance, run every ground ball out, make the plays in the field, etc. and we’re right there. In fact, I predict the Reds have a +.500 record for the second half of the season.

We may not end up within 10 games of the division. But hell, at least I’ll have something to talk about.

— Charlie Hustle

One Response to “How To Fix The Reds”

  1. Matt said

    Great article, as usual J. As the old saying goes, David Ross hasn’t turned on a fastball since he was 22 (batting a STOUT .203 as of Mackanin’s first victory)…

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