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Gilmore Finds Gator That Ate Chubbs’ Hand

Posted by Matt on June 26, 2007


A few months ago, a conversation between Happy Gilmore and Chubbs went as follows:

Chubbs: Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah? What happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn’t let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Happy Gilmore: Ah, I’m sorry. Because you’re black?
Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator BIT my hand off!
[Shows Happy his wooden hand]
Happy Gilmore: OH MY GOD!
Chubbs: Yeah, tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just POPPED up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of the bastard’s eyes out though. Look at that.
[Shows Happy a small glass jar with an eyeball in it]
Happy Gilmore: You’re pretty sick, Chubbs.

Well according to (pops), a Floridian golfer under the alias of “Bruce Burger” (with a name like Burger, you’re really testing those alligators), but whom we can only assume to be Happy Gilmore, found the very one-eyed alligator that took Chubbs’ hand. Here is how the even transpired:

[An alligator eats Happy’s ball]
Happy Gilmore: That Son of a Bitch. Give me my ball, come on, cough it up, you dirty bastard. I swear I’m gonna… give me the ball, alligator. Hey, you’ve got one eye…Chubbs! You took his hand.

Apparently “Mr. Burger” reached down to retrieve his ball when said alligator reached up and bit his hand in the same manner he did Chubbs’ over 40-years ago. And just as portrayed in his video biography, Happy Gilmore, the golfer proceeded to beat the ‘gator in to submission to retrieve his ball, and his hand, safely.

What the ESPN article does NOT tell you is what happened after the fact (I am sure it was for reasons of fear of repercussions from PETA and the law):

Happy Gilmore: [To Chubbs] You know that alligator that got your hand? Well I got his HEAD! [Happy shows Chubbs head of a one-eyed alligator, Chubbs, in fear, falls out a two-story window to his death]

It is a sad ending to what could have been a hero’s tale. However, with the “Beware of Alligator” sign at the sixth hole, I have to beg of Bruce Burger one question: What the hell were you doing?

The only defense that this guy might have against me is the fact that I saw all the signs, the ones in EVERY MAJOR SPORTING NEWS OUTLET, that pinned the Cincinnati Reds for dead last in the National League Central before the season started and I still force myself to suffer through Major League Baseball’s worst team, day-in and day-out.

At any rate, it is nice to know that life really does imitate art.


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