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The Sports Shorts – 5th Edition

Posted by Matt on June 19, 2007

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Regarding missing the cut at this past weekend’s satanic U.S. Open, Phil Mickelson cited an injured wrist and a “dangerous” course for his demise. I am going to go ahead take the liberty of adding “bitch tits” to that laundry list as well.

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Despite getting swept in the NBA Finals by the San Antonio Spurs, the Cleveland Cavaliers still owned the lone remaining participants of the NBA Worst Haircut Finals in Anderson “Carlito-Cool” Varejao and Drew “Vagi-Patch” Gooden.

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However, in a stunning turn of events, NBA Finals announcer Jeff Van Gundy swooped in for an unprecedented upset victory in a shocking turn of events. Congrats Jeffy, Alonzo Mourning’s leg would be proud.

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– Dale Earnhardt, Junior recently made official the fact that he will make the move to Hendrick Motor Sports next season along side fan unfavorites Jimmie Johnson and Jeff “I Like Having Beer Cans Thrown At Me” Gordon. In related news, Jesus of Nazareth will reportedly sign a deal to drive the #666 Team Lucifer Toyota next season with teammates Adolf Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

Chicago Cub Derek Lee will receive a five-game suspension for his participation in a recent altercation with San Diego Padre Chris Young. The “Lou Piniella Suicide Watch” begins…NOW.

Tiger Woods recently became a first time father to daughter Sam Alexis Woods. She hit a hole-in-one at two hours old, has a sponsors exemption to the John Deere Classic with Michelle Wie, and is already better than you at golf.

Cops are seeking Tennessee Titan Adam “Pac Man” Jones for questioning regarding a shooting early on the morning of June 18, 2007. Additionally, a Cincinnati Bengal by the name of Quincy Wilson is also in trouble with the law after being arrested for disorderly conduct over Father’s Day weekend. I feel like we’ve been down this road before…these jokers are like clock work…[insert funny one-liner here].

Detroit Tiger Kenny Rogers will return to a Major League diamond sometime this week. He’ll be back to selling low-quality rotisserie chicken and punching cameramen in no time.

– Duke University has reached a settlement with former lacrosse players Reid Seligman, Colin Finnerty, and Dave Evans early on Monday, June 18, 2007. The agreement? Duke will reportedly supply the strippers for Seligmann’s “Lacrosse Bros and White Trash Hoes” kegger next weekend.

And always remember, Tim Hardaway hates you.

“The Sports Shorts”

-Mr. Matt

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