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The Sports Shorts – 3rd Edition

Posted by Matt on June 7, 2007

The Miami Dolphins brought in 36-year-old geriatric quarterback Trent Green for the upcoming season. Reports from South Florida are that the Dolphins are also eyeing 46-year-old John Elway and 64-year-old Joe Namath to lure them out of retirement for a training camp quarterback controversy.

The Anaheim Ducks won the Stanley Cup last night in Game 5 of the NHL Finals. Wait, what the hell is the NHL?!?!

Billy Donovan’s one-night-stand with the Orlando Magic is said to be officially over. Donovan was said to be “put-out” by the fact that the Magic did not cuddle afterwards and has stated that the cause of the delay at this point is the fact that they failed to leave cab fare on the night stand the morning after.

The NBA Finals start tonight at 9:00PM EST and David Stern has reportedly already suspended Daniel Gibson and Drew Gooden for “leaving the bench in an altercation with the Spurs” to help ensure a San Antonio series victory. Stern called the brilliant maneuver a “preemptive strike” and part of a new ideology that is out to prevent “the inevitable.”

There will be a hearing Friday, June 8, 2007 in Georgia to hear evidence regarding Cincinnati Bengal Odell Thurman to see if charges should be filed stemming from a fight allegedly instigated by Thurman and his brother on the morning of Sunday, June 3, 2007. The fight occurred at a party in which the brothers supposedly became physical with another party goer to the point where one of the brothers pulled a gun out. Judges!?!?:

Adam “Pac Man” Jones: 9.5

Chris Henry: 10.0

“Tank” Johnson: 7.5 (claims a pistol is “child’s play”)

– From the department of “too little, too late”: At 22-38, 11.0-games out of first place in the National League Central, the Cincinnati Reds called up stud-Minor Leaguer, and former number one draft pick, Homer Bailey to make his first Major League start at home against the Cleveland Indians on Friday, June 8, 2007. In related news, France is said to be “developing” a nuclear super weapon to fend off the conquering Nazis and stem cell researchers have reportedly developed a cure for quadriplegic Christopher Reeve.

And that is all for the third incarnation of “The Sports Shorts!”

-Matt

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