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Drafting, Bengals’ Style

Posted by Matt on April 25, 2007

I just got back in to town and I have what most would consider to be “inside information.” You see, I was fortunate enough to travel in to the future to get a peek at this weekend’s NFL Draft and I am able to report on the Bengals from beginning to end. The results may surprise you, but I have no doubt that you will be excited about what the future holds for our ‘Beloved Bengals.’

…I arrived just before the draft started and made my way to Bengals Headquarters where I found the team of Marvin Lewis, Katie Blackburn, and Good Ole’ Mike Brown. I still wondered, even in the future, as to why the Bengals do not invest in a larger scouting team to compete with the rest of the NFL. Mr. Brown slept through the opening ceremonies and sported a mustard stain on his lapel throughout, now we know longer have to wonder why we drafted Akili Smith. Marvin Lewis wasted no time in making waves…

Round 1 Pick 6 (via Washington): Gains Adams, DE (Clemson)

With the Redskins projected to pick a defensive lineman, Marvin Lewis got the opportunity to dump franchise tag player and “goody-two-shoes” defensive lineman Justin Smith. The trade involved Smith and the Bengals’ Second Round pick of this draft for the 6th overall selection.

In attempt to replace Justin Smith and injured David Pollack, the Bengals selected defensive end Gains Adams, who recently admitted to marijuana use while in college. According to sources, current Bengals Jonathan Joseph, Odell Thurman, and Chris Henry were quoted in saying that 4-20 this year was a “lonely toke,” prompting Lewis to make the first big move of the draft.

Round 1 – Pick 18: Brandon Meriweather, S (Miami)

The Bengals sent shock waves through camps yet again with the 18th overall selection. Most pundits felt that, due to character issues, Meriweather would drop out of the Top 20 this year; however, these same “experts” failed to realize that the Bengals selected in the Top 20 on day 1 of the draft. Marvin Lewis saw the opening and swooped in for the kill.

Meriweather is most notably famous for yielding his helmet as a weapon in the sideline-clearing brawl early on this past season between Miami and Florida International. There were whispers around the Draft that current Bengal A.J. Nicholson was discussing going back to Florida to “finish what he started” on his former Florida State teammate’s house and that he wanted someone around with “self defense experience.” Chris Henry, however, was reportedly unimpressed with Meriweather’s choice of weapon and told an Associated Press reporter that he was going to teach Brandon “a thing-or-two about a thing-or-two.”

Round 2 No Selection

Mike Brown and Marvin Lewis were overheard discussing how could they have let Marcus Vick “get away.”

Round 3 – No Selection

The Bengals’ Third Round selection of this years draft had long since been traded away but Marvin Lewis, ever the workhorse, again used this free time to his advantage. Lewis took a moment during this hiatus to introduce the new ‘Head of Player Development’, Mike Tyson.

“Coach Tyson has so much experience, in and out from behind bars, that we felt that this was a no brainer for our organization to move forward,” said Lewis. Tyson had no comment but fellow spousal abuser, and Bengals’ defensive lineman, Frostee Rucker was seen high fiving and rubbing elbows with Mike Brown.

Round 4 – Pick 114: Collin Finnerty, Attack Position (Duke)

No selection of the entire draft was turning more heads than that of Collin Finnerty, an attack position player for the Duke University lacrosse team. Most people were assuming this to be the sleeper pick of the draft for Marvin Lewis and that we would see the genius of this pick a couple of years down the road. On April 11, 2007, charges of Rape and Sexual Assault against Finnerty, and teammates David Evans and Reade Seligmann, were dropped and Collin was exonerated from any misconduct. The talk around the draft is that Finnerty’s determination in the legal process to clear his name is what drew Lewis to him.

“To be accused of something so heinous only to be cleared through hard work and sheer grit is what we are looking for in players with character issues,” said Lewis.

Round 5 – Pick 151: Stephen Garcia, QB (South Carolina)

This selection came as a surprise to everyone, including Garcia himself as he was eating Cheetos and watching “Friends” reruns in his dorm room when he got the call. The Freshman has yet to play in a game and was recently suspended for 2 arrests that included counts of Public Intoxication, Failure to Stop For a Police Officer, and Malicious Injury to Personal Property. Lewis figures to keep Garcia on the sidelines for some time, grooming him to take over when Palmer departs. Stephen’s initial duties will include chucking long balls to Chris Henry on the sidelines to keep him out of trouble during his 8-game suspension.

Round 6 – Pick 187: 50 Cent, Rapper (The Streets of New York City)

Marvin Lewis had me on the edge of my seat the entire weekend and never once did he disappoint. This surprise pick of Round 6 was made just seconds before the Bengals ran out of time on the selection clock. Most feel Marvin already had his guy in mind but he was seen listening to Chris Henry’s iPod just moments before hand and most believe that this is what prompted the quick switch.

“I was just trying to help Coach out, ya know, get focused for the draft like I do before games,” said Henry. I was able to speak with sources close to the situation and they stated that after Coach Lewis heard the lyric “I’ve been shot 9 times but I don’t walk with a limp,” from 50 Cent’s smash debut hit “In Da Club,” he placed a call to 50’s agents and made the deal happen.

“9 times. No limp. Think about it. With our injury plagued season of last year I knew we need a guy with this kind of durability,” added Lewis.

Round 7 – Pick 230: Jeff Lindsay, LB (Purdue)

A pick that baffled most people as Lindsay has just finished a Freshman season in which he did not participate in a single snap and was recently arrested on April 10 for Public Intoxication. I got the opportunity, immediately after the selection, to get a word from Marvin Lewis.

“We feel Jeff has tremendous upside and we are looking to draft role players to take our defense to the next level,” said Lewis. Marvin went on to add that he hoped that a “drinking buddy for the lake would entice wayward offensive lineman Eric Steinbach back from Cleveland.” Steinbach’s representatives were unavailable for comment.

It was a busy weekend, to say the least, and no team stirred the pot more than the Cincinnati Bengals. Now that I know what lies ahead, I am off to open a bail bonds pawn shop down by the Ohio River. Ciao!


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