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Running Diary: Reds vs. Cubs 04-04-2007

Posted by Charlie Hustle on April 4, 2007

Reds Running Diary 04-04-2007

… And here we are folks. Firmly planted on the FratHouseCouch, I’m prepared to do my first running diary for our loveable losers – the Cincinnati Redlegs. I had every intention on writing a running diary for Opening Day but the day ended up becoming a blur of cheep beer, sun, sunflower seeds, peanut shells and well… needless to say, there wasn’t a lot accomplished. A few thoughts before the game starts…

— It’s amazing that after one opening day win, I heard at the bar last night at least 10 (in drunken, half-slurred accents) “FUCKIN REDS… OH YEAH, PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR… WOOOO!!!” Followed by awkward, non-coordinated high fives. 162 games people. Don’t blow your load too quickly.

— The Ohio weather gods decided to smite all the Reds fans that decided to buy tickets after watching Opening Day in 80 degree, sunny weather. Tonight the forecast is in the 30s/40s and cloudy. You could probably scalp tickets right behind home plate at Great American tonight for a bus token.

7:00PM: First graphic on FSN Ohio… CHC 1-0 CIN 0-1 despite the Reds winning the first game. Good omen for the quality of the rest of the broadcast.

7:01PM: Thom Brennamen and Jeff Brantley are tonight’s announcers. Don’t the people at FSN know that half of Reds fans only watch the game to hear Chris “The Crafty Lefty” Welsh and George Grande’s almost insane commentaries during the game? Oh well, I guess I’ll have to live with logical, timely game commentary.

7:02PM: Bronson Arroyo vs. Ted Lilly is the pitching matchup tonight. Bronson took a picture of Hanson from a Teen Beat magazine to his stylist for his hairdoo.

7:06PM: People are wearing parkas in the stands during the game. Global warming? That Al Gore was full’a shit

7:09PM: New Reds pitching/assistant coach Dick Pole (insert joke here) is explaining how Adam Dunn has a new swing this year. The last game he had 2 home runs and a strike out. Call me when he hits a single. Seriously.

7:10PM: FSN Reds Scouting Report – Bronson Arroyo “Pitches Backwards” I didn’t know they kept Jim Bowden’s scouting reports still laying around.

7:12PM: First stupid baseball saying tonight by Brenneman… “Arroyo strikes out Soriano… Good morning, good afternoon, aaaand good night.” Chris Welsh just rolled his eyes on his couch. And twisted his mustache.

7:18PM: Apparently the Cubs spent $300 million this offseason. Meanwhile, Wayne Krivsky has been scouting the kid from “Rookie of the Year” to sign for a minimum contract.

7:20PM: Diving stab by Jeff Conine at first base. How old is he? I believe he was a platoon player for the Big Red Machine. I bet Johnny Bench is on his speed dial.

7:23PM: FSN Reds Scouting Report – Ted Lilly “Must Have a Good Start to the Game” I wonder which pitchers will have “Must Get Rocked for 8 Runs in the First Inning and Throw Cooler of Gatorade in Dugout” scouting report.

7:31PM: Milwaukee and Pittsburgh are currently tied for first in the NL central. I wonder how many drunks at sports bars in those cities are talking playoffs too.

7:33PM: First Skyline commercial… we’ll keep a running count of Skyline/Goldstar commercials as apparently they make chili in
Cincinnati. Who knew? Skyline 1 Goldstar 0.

7:41PM: Score check… Cincinnati 0 Chicago 0… Brantley is outstanding in describing each pitchers’ strategies. I haven’t decided yet whether I enjoy the game more with smart, perceptive announcers or Laurel and Hardy…

Grande: Who’s on first Chris?
Welsh: Yes he is.
Grande: Who?!?!
Welsh: Who.

7:44PM: My new favorite announcer Brantley says Soriano clearly can’t hit a breaking ball. Sounds like a wise $160 million investment for the Cubs. Maybe he can get JoeBoo’s voodoo doll for the clubhouse.

7:52PM: Snow just started to fall at GABP. I think the Geneva Convention defines torture as “Attending a 0-0 pitcher’s duel in 30 degrees and snow.”

7:56PM: Two games. Two different lineups for Jerry Narron. Hell Jerry, it’s not like baseball players are superstitious or anything. It’s not like they like to have daily consistency.

7:59PM: Announcing superstar Jeff Brantley just showed us how Arroyo throws his various breaking balls to change speeds and spin. I wonder if Welsh leaned over to Grande recently to show him his new stuff he’s been trying out in Coach Pitch.

8:02PM: Runners on first and second, Mark DeRosa hits a single to left field and they HOLD the runner at third? Adam Dunn had to drop the sunflower he was picking in left to field that one. That play to the cutoff man will be shown on the Donkey’s gold glove application.

8:04PM: Izturis singles to right field… Cubbies 1 Redlegs 0. Ted Lilly is up to bat with the bases loaded. With one out, Arroyo needs a double play as bad as Chris Welsh needs Just for Men mustache gel.

8:06PM: Lilly tries the squeeze play with the bases loaded and pops it up but the Reds inexplicably can’t field the fucking ball 3 feet in front of the plate. Then David Ross throws to 2nd base, getting the out but allowing Cliff Floyd to score from third. AT THE LEAST, if Ross would have just stepped on home plate when he dropped the ball, no one would have scored. These are the small plays that make the Reds nothing more than a .500 team. Cubbies 2 Redlegs 0.

8:10PM: Adam Dunn just showed bunt for the first pitch. Griffey did this earlier. Jerry Narron must have stayed up all night devising this ingenius gameplan to fool the Cubs…

Narron: The first thing they will suspect is for our power hitters to try to hit the ball out of the infield.
Dick Pole: Yeah coach, maybe they will think Adam Dunn actually has a different swing this year.

Meanwhile Brantley compared Ted Lilly to Sandy Koufax for tonight’s game as he is currently throwing a no-hitter despite a single pitch never reaching over 85mph. Things aren’t looking up for the Redlegs…. After 4, it’s Cubs 2 Reds 0.

8:15PM: Skyline 2 Goldstar 0. In fact, Goldstar has no momentum so they’ve been pulled for JTM. The new commercial with the dancing JTM bags is sprinting in from the bullpen.

8:21PM: Griff breaks up the no-hitter. It’s not like Brantley jinxed Lilly by mentioning the no-hitter or anything… shhhh…..Did I mention that Brantley is a kick ass announcer?

8:22PM: Jeff Conine strikes out on 3 pitches. Why the fuck is this guy on our team? You’re telling me we couldn’t have re-signed Rich Aurilia or (gasp) bring back Sean Casey??? God forbid Krivsky keep players around that ask for more than MLB minimum contracts, especially when they have nicknames like “The Mayor”. I’m sure he felt lucky when he found Conine in downtown Cinci waiting in line to sell his plasma.

8:25PM: The first time I missed Chris Welsh all game… AGon “nubbed” a ball towards first base and was barely out as he dove in head first. Welsh’s “nubbed” counts have been into the 1000s for certain games…. I’ve watched baseball for 18 years or so and I can’t remember when I’ve seen a head first slide into first base actually work…. Ross strikes out, looking like a AA player. After 5… Cubs 2 Reds 0.

8:32PM: Skyline 2 JTM 1… JTM has come out swinging with an in-broadcast spot, although it isn’t the same as when Welsh hocks JTM’s like he’s got stock options.

8:36PM: Arroyo bunts for a hit… Narron and Pole are currently elbowing each other and slapping each others’ backs in the dugout.

8:37PM: Freel just attempted to bunt right after Arroyo bunted for a hit… I wish I could make these things up….

8:42PM: DONKEY BLASTS ONE… GOING, GOING… and it hits the top of the wall. Freel still scores… and Dunn, clearly hustling on the play, has his first single of the year! Jacque Jones fielded the ball at the fucking warning track! Dunn is clearly playing small ball now under the tutelage of former porn star Dick Pole.

8:45PM Griff flies out with 2 on… After 6 innings it’s Cubs 2 Reds 1.

8:50PM: JoeBoo blasts a curveball off the wall in left field for a double. After wiping his ass with $100 bills in the clubhouse, Soriano apparently figured out how to hit a breaking ball.

8:57PM: Jeff Conine pops out and slams his bat down, just to make it seem to everyone like he thought he was going to get a hit. In 3 years, Conine will look like Happy Gilmore’s homeless caddy, washing his socks in ball washers and using crackers as green markers.

9:00PM: After Brantley astutely notes that Lilly is getting tired, AGon works a 3-1 count into a strikeout by failing to check his swing on ball four….

Listen Reds fans… we signed Gonzalez to a 3 year – $14 million contract this offseason. This was our big splash in the free agent market. What is his career average you ask? .246!!!! This fucking loser has almost 4 times as many career strikeouts as walks. What could Krivsky possibly want with this guy? Didn’t we already have enough weak hitting, defensive shortstops (Castro, Lopez, Clayton)??? We shouldn’t be happy about this. Seriously…end of 7th inning, it remains Cubs 2 Reds 1.

9:07PM: Arroyo gives up back-to-back singles to start the 8th and apparently someone just nudged a comatose Jerry Narron to take him out…. and it’s the Skyline Call to the Bullpen! Very nice… Skyline 3 JTM 1.

9:10PM Mike Stanton enters the game and immediately almost hits the pinch hitter attempting to bunt with men on 1st and 2nd with no outs. Narron must have really coached him up on his way to the mound.

9:11PM After a sacrifice bunt, Narron decides to intentionally walk Michael Barrett to get to Mark DeRosa… just to bring in Todd Coffey for Mike Stanton. Don’t ask me why he brought in Stanton to pitch to someone bunting and then walk somebody…. and Coffey comes sprinting in from the bullpen… that will get any crowd charged up, even one with icecicles hanging from their nose.

9:13PM And in the surprise of the night, the first super lame GoldStar chili commercial! Too little, too late Goldstar…

9:15PM On the first pitch by Coffey, DeRosa hits a 2-run single into left field. Dick Pole is consoling a distraught and confused Narron…. a double-play ends the inning, however as George Grande would say… “buuuuuuut the damage was done, Cubs 4 Reds 1.” I hope the Welsh/Grande battery at least get to call the Pirates game on Friday so we can all enjoy the term “Buckos” as that is apparently what professional announcers call the Pirates.

9:19PM: Ted “Koufax” Lilly is out and Bob Howry has entered the game. Hopefully for Jeff Conine’s sake this guy throws underhand.

9:24PM: Brandon Phillips flys out on a smash to left field. Apparently 30 degrees has ill effects on fly balls, no wonder Adam Dunn got his first single… Cubs 4 Reds 1 going into the 9th.

9:35PM: Reds rookie Jared Burton has just walked 3 batters in a row, despite a visit to the mound by Dick “12inch” Pole. Someone please remind me why we just didn’t leave Todd Coffey in the game? Did Narron feel that the Reds had no chance being down 4-1? Does anyone wonder why we don’t sell out any month past May?

9:38PM: Our first look at new reliever Victor Santos, who strikes Derrek Lee out on 3 pitches and then gets Aramis Ramirez to ground out to end the inning. Nice effort but it seems like the bullpen is getting unnecessary work by Narron… thankfully we don’t have an afternoon game tomorrow at noon so they have time to recover… wait… ummmm……………………………

9:42PM: Ryan Dempster enters the game in bottom of the 9th and promptly strikes out The Donkey. Can we officially put to bed this “new swing” yet? Are people even watching him play when they say this?

9:44PM: EE is walked by Dempster, leaving the possibility that if Griffey doesn’t hit into a double play, Conine will have the opportunity to make a fool of himself one more time.

9:45PM: Dempster throws another ball to Griffey and Sweet Lou sprinted out of the dugout faster than Joe Paterno sprinting across the end zone after shitting his pants. How often do you see managers run out to yell at the pitcher in the middle of an at bat? Apparently the announcers couldn’t repeat the conversation on the mound…

9:46PM: Jeff Conine, clearly sensing that Dempster has had a problem finding the plate, swings at the first pitch and flys out. Is anyone surprised by this? Not me. I just wonder if Wayne Krivsky noticed what a beer-drinking college student watching the game noticed… that Jeff Conine FUCKING SUCKS.

Final Score: Cubs 4 Reds 1

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