Vanderbilt Just Saved Our Ass

In a Saturday that the Football Wildcats had (mercifully) the week off, its previous and its upcoming opponents were duking it out at the creatively named Vanderbilt Stadium. The Filthy Volunteers from the University of Tennessee won convincingly 20-10 behind an apparently impressive second quarter in which they scored all of their 20 points. Offensively UT was running roughshod over the Commodores, compiling 243 rush yards in the contest; but the passing game was hilariously bad, only attempting nine passes and completing just four. With TWO picks! When your QB’s are that bad, I’ll give you the two completions for the picks because technically, they were completed passes. So the Volunteer quarterbacks (they played two) combined for a QB rating of 30.55 (with 6 for 9 passing in sarcastic asshole statland), sickly numbers for a high D-1 program.

The defense was king as they spent the day stonewalling the ‘Dores, allowing only 23 yards on defense on 28 rushes. 28 rushes! That equals up to less than one yard per rush. I would rip on Bobby Johnson for being one dimensional and not opening up the playbook, but the Steamboat Captains also attempted 43 passes, one of which was completed for a touchdown. A Tennessee touchdown. So it was pretty clear that today the ‘Vols established the run game and did not let go of the ball. It was a nauseating game to watch, but that was because of the day-glo orange that was tainting my television screen.

So how does that help us, the Wildcat nation? In the 16 years of Phillip Fulmer’s career, he has never NOT won more than two games in the SEC. His program’s decline has been a pleasure to witness, but let us not forget, he is a coach with seven SEC east titles and a National Championship. He would not just lie down and get thrashed in his last season and go out as ignominiously as only having one win in conference play. But I digress, it really doesn’t matter what that tub of Krispy Kreme’s reputation looks like when he leaves. But it does matter for the players. The Volunteers were mired in a 3-game losing streak and underneath a shadow from the cloud of Fulmer’s impending resignation and a very sour fan base. I have maintained since Nov. 3rd that his announcement that early in the season would provide inspiration and stir up pride for his team, and make the last game of the season against Kentucky a triumphant exit for the coach. Rockne would have be proud. Then the Volunteers showed how much they were willing to fight for their coach with a 7-13 loss to Wyoming at home. Yet they rallied against Vanderbilt today and got their second conference win, and with that we can only hope that they will be content with the domination of the state of Tennessee, and proceed to lay down against us.

I have been a fan of UK football since the Curry era, and in my entire life the Cats have not eaten Tennessee in football, 23 years. There have been many, many chances in that time, most notably in the last few years. But it has always resulted in a loss. 23 years. Imagine everything that has happened since November of 1984, but the one thing that hasn’t happened is UK beating UT in football. And GOD I hate Tennessee. For just a sampling of the list of reasons, my friend from the University of Alabama will take over:

So rest up boys, you have a coach to disgrace and a streak to kill.

UK-VMI- The View From Section 217

Whether you have heard about it, saw it, or lived through it, Friday night’s loss to VMI was definitely a turd brown stain on the checked blue and white Kentucky jersey. I’m not going to wax poetic about the intricacies of coaching college basketball, because I am not an expert on the subject, nor am I going to lament about the final score. There are many other sports blogs that will ponder over that for this week and I want to be original, so this is all about the things that did not translate to TV. My friend obtained 2 tickets for the game and we went along, talking about SEC sports of all types. These are just random observations in no particular order of importance:

- Downtown Lexington will always be one of the greatest areas in all of college basketball to be at before a game. The waves of blue clad people are endless and always expanding as you walk along.

-Point of discussion and my opinion on it: There is no way that the SEC could ever serve alcohol at games. People get crazy enough at them already. Did you see a Bama fan killed two LSU fans? And that wasn’t even at a game. AND they had won!

- Going in as alumni rather than students is clearly better. You get to walk into a nice, decorated lobby and feel the heaters. Student entrance looks and feels more like prisoner transfer.

- I don’t care how many times I’ve done it, as soon as I turn a corner and see Rupp arena, it takes my breath away. The place is a goddamn cathedral of basketball.

- Patrick Patterson is a spectacle to see. You can read all the hype in the papers and internet but seeing that guy in person is impressive. He is jacked,and he is huge. With the ultra tight jersey, clown parachute pants, and the ‘fro, he looks like he just stepped out of Thunderdome. He should have a bandanna and ultimate warrior arm bands. We should work on a nickname with that.

- Pre-game warmups filled me with apprehension about this game. VMI was energetic, precise, and most importantly, relaxed. They looked ready, and that was my first tip-off of the coming storm.

- After the first couple three’s dropped in without so much as a clank of the rim, no one has really reacted, just sitting back and analyzing play. UK fans are interesting in this respect; they are rabid, undoubtedly, but only because they have researched the line-up like panty lines in a Victoria’s Secret catalog. We know the in and outs of the players, and a redneck behind me lets me know how “them boys looked in open practices”. It’s creepy how a 43 year old man is completely comfortable sharing his intimate knowledge of 15 18-23 year old men.

- More three’s are falling. It’s so quiet the shoe squeaks echo.

- Something I learned from the game: Man press will make you shit your pants, if I can glean anything from our guard play.

-Kentucky is now losing big. I can really appreciate VMI’s coach for playing the time-out game well. Anytime the crowd really started getting into it there would be a quick time out. Sometimes the Mo’ carried through but it was a good way to protect his players. The guy is out of control, acting out (rather emphatically) what he wanted his players to do, but he is controlled and aware at all times. It’s like he almost brings a military-like precision to the game. Hmm…

- Post about Patterson again: Seeing him beside the 4 guys on the court under 6′3″ makes him look even more like a giant. Unfortunately, it is a giant that has to guard a shooting forward. He is fast for a big guy, but he isn’t fast for a small guy. He’s been game-planned and the low post double teams are rendering him useless.

-I swear to God the Cats are stoned. Anytime we score a basket, we run down the court and start talking or looking off somewhere, while an Army-trained basketball player stabs the knife of the three into the kidneys of our scoreboard.

-I black out. I have terrible nightmares about turnover-laden basketball and being outrebounded by midgets in camoflage. I wake up several hours later in my bed screaming but Auntie Em and Uncle Henry are there to assure me it was just a dream with a cup of cocoa and a pre-warmed crack pipe. Then I have to build a go-cart with a ocelot. I realize I’m still dreaming and wake up just in time to see the final score.

If someone could let me know what happened that would be great, I missed the second half.

A Ransom Note

Hello, I have something that may be of interest to you. I know Matt will be interested. People have been looking for this for the last 9 weeks, and it was harder to find than the list of women Rex Grossman hasn’t banged. It’s called the Bengals’ season, and I have it in my custody. I hadn’t bought in to the hype, that the complete reversion to the Bungles days were back.

After Palmer went down, things looked downright dreadful and there were echos of the Yuccaneers’ winless season. I saw the 31st overall ranked offense and said,”they are bound to get better any week, they have the tools, they just aren’t putting it together”. But they didn’t and I finally bet on Cincinnati to suck against the Jaguars D.

Then I saw something strange happen on Saturday. Ryan “Fighting Crimson (no really!)” Fitzpatrick did a couple very convincing Mike Vick impersonations and was slinging it all over the field while still averaging less than 10 yards a pass. Chad Ocho Cinco started looking like Chad Johnson, and unsurprisingly started acting like him. They even tried to give the game away at the end, which saved my defensive points this week, yet still couldn’t lose the game. So what sort of bargaining chip do I have in order for this ransom note to be effective?

My fantasy team.

Why does any of this make sense? Because I’m like Neo. For fantasy football. But the other way. I suck at it, really bad, to the point where I have not finished above second to last place for the last two seasons. But mysteriously, as soon as I bank on the orange-and-blacks to suck, they go nuts. So my demands are simple: either Bengals fans pay me and I add defenses that are playing them, saving your season. Or I don’t play the opposing defense and you return to nauseatingly bad.

Maybe some of you will say “Gee, Zach, winning would be nice, but we want the #1 pick. We don’t want to win anymore”.

Bullshit.

I saw how you people got when they had one good year. You got worse than Massholes, when I heard an accent developing every time I listened to some over-privileged white kid bark, “Aye wuz heah since the fahkin staht. We ah the best fans evah!”.

So don’t give me that. You know you want this action, if only to make up for the arrests, suspensions, injuries, internal distractions, morally crushing injuries, and the cuts of two of the people that made up that 2005 team because they didn’t want to pay them out.

If you want to have some dignity, transfer eleventy billion dollars to:

Somefake Bank

Account #: 1234567

I await your reply.

What Penn State Means To The Big 10

The game that occurred Saturday night between the two juggernauts of the Big 10 was football the way it was meant to be played…in the 1930’s. Even with 280+ (pfft!) yards of total offense from both sides the only trip the endzone was a 1 yard run by Penn State’s sophomore backup QB Pat Devlin with 6:25 left in the fourth quarter. But the victory was secured and Penn State’s national title hopes are alive. But what does this mean in the grand scheme of the national title hunt, and by proximity, the perception of the Big 10?

Both of the teams ranked ahead of Penn State (#1Texas, Big 12 & #2 Alabama, SEC) are facing tough weeks against ranked opponents and, beyond that, a conference championship if they can get there. The likelihood that one of them will lose over the course of that time is far greater than State, thus putting the Fighting Paterno’s in a position to slide into the National Championship game while having rested since November 22^nd. Aside from the extra prep time, it will give them more opportunities to scout the potential competition and will possibly give them the winning edge.

But who are we kidding? Every time a Big 10 team gets to the National Championship they get cut down like baby mice under a lawnmower. Not that I haven’t enjoyed seeing Ohio State get crushed the last two years (I enjoy it a little more when that happens, I think), but it is time the Big 10 sends another challenger forward to try to capture the crystal oblong. But do the Lions of Nittany have anything to offer that could improve their odds of bringing the ‘W’ home?

For the last several years, OSU has put forward a team of similar blueprint: talented but largely overrated quarterback with a huge arm, one solid receiver and one solid tailback, all cushioned by a generally effective defense. Then they get to the National Championship game against a team of NFL prospects who have cut their teeth on quality teams throughout conference play. You know how the rest of it goes (And how sweet it is!). But we can only hope in the mythical world where one of the top two teams lose late and Penn State holds out against the Michigan State Javon Ringers, that State can bring at least something resembling a game to the table. With three receivers in the neighborhood of 30 catches and a QB that is 3^rd on the team in rush attempts, you have to admit that the blueprint is very different and should pose more of a problem for defenses of either conference. Even a competitive game could prove to a national audience that the Big 10 can produce something besides the crap cake that it has made itself appear to be.