It would be nice to tell you TNB is a professional, Greater Cincinnati sports blog but most of the time we just get drunk and bitch about the Reds and the Bengals.
Obviously TNB has been dormant since the New Year and for that I apologize. Most of the guys have moved on to bigger and better things: careers, families, graduate school, or — in Bob’s case — drunken binges. We’ve been gone but the site has not been forgotten.
So here is the deal: with baseball spring training looming, our 1,000,000th hit imminent, and Charlie Hustle needing additional income to feed his degenerate gambling habits, we’re going to be making some gradual, minor changes in hopes of a relaunch on March 1st. The majority of the design will stay the same as will a majority of the free, below-average content you’ve come to expect.
The one, big change that I hope alienates nobody is our focus. Instead of our ambiguous approach to 2008, we’re going to narrow our focus for the Northern Kentucky sports sufferer. Bitchings about the Cincinnati Bengals and Reds, as well as (hopefully) amusing and interesting commentary on the Kentucky Wildcats. Every once in a while we’ll throw in some very newsworthy or interesting bits from those respective sports and the teams’ respective divisions/conferences. There won’t be nearly as much mainstream, general fodder but there may be some national stories from the MLB or NFL from time to time.
Just as a recap, our narrowed focus will include the Cincinnati Bengals/AFC North, the Cincinnati Reds/NL Central, the Kentucky Wildcats/Southeastern Conference, and maybe a touch of related news just to switch it up. As always are archives will remain in tact for anyone wanting to check out the back catalog — I’m not sure why you would put yourself through that — as it will only see some minor, reorganizational changes.
There may be many folks who aren’t interested in the above listings and for that I apologize; I encourage anyone that stops by to stick around despite the changes. I don’t know if the changes will right the ship but we’re going to give it one helluva shot.
54 points IN Knoxville against the hated Vols. A Kentucky record. The lead story on the 11:00PM edition of SportsCenter. And now I arrive to work to find the ESPN homepage splashed with the dominating performance had by one Jodie Meeks right in the face of the that orange-blazer-wearing, too-much-fake-tanned Bruce Pearl. Chris Lofton WHO?
Hope everyone had a very safe and happy New Year’s Eve. Enjoy the day off and the college Bowl games and try to keep from falling off your New Year’s Resolution wagon at least through the weekend.
OK, OK so Hanukkah actually started on Monday but I figured I could knock out both holidays with one post as we’re trying to be green around here during these tough times.
But all jokes aside, I hope that everyone has a happy holiday or winter season, regardless of what you do (or don’t) celebrate. I respect and appreciate them all as much as I do our loyal readers AND OUR MEN AND WOMEN ABROAD!
A very HAPPY Holidays to all of the boys around here: Hustle, Condo, Doc, Bob, Vega, Baller, L.C., and Z — our posts may be few and far between these days but it sure has been a lot of fun with the aforementioned crew.
I hope everyone’s time spent with their families and close friends is both fun and safe and our Military will most definitely be in my thoughts and prayers throughout this week.
Have a good one, and I promise improvements over the coming New Year.
Ed.’s Note: This is what takes place in the head of the legendary Charlie Hustle…
“Cedric Benson…running with all the passion of a crack addict.”
“The Bengals are tackling Dominic Rhodes like he has AIDS.”
Updates:
“Even back in the Jeff Blake days it was exciting because of the bomb to Pickens or Darnay Scott. Fitzy Kirkpatrick shits his pants if he has to throw it more than 20 yards.”
Ed.’s Note #2: I am sure there will be more to come throughout today…
With Orenthal J. Simpson apparently forced to see the inside of a prison cell for at least the next nine years, I have been contemplating hilariously lame and pathetic newspaper headlines for tomorrow morning’s inevitable articles:
“What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas”
“The Juice Got Squeezed”
“That One Football Player Who Walked Free For Killing A Couple Of People Actually Ended Up In Jail Anyways”
Thanksgiving Day just isn’t quite the same without John Madden, turduckens, and the Lions losing.
Well, without 2 of 3 I guess…
At any rate, I hope any TNB readers have a fun, safe, and tasty Thanksgiving Day!!!
I always take the time at every opportunity to honor our troops abroad as they give me the freedom to say whatever stupid crap I want without fear of consequence. Our military is one thing I am perpetually thankful for and even more so today (and a big shout out to the 178th Fighter Wing out of Springfield, Ohio!).
So, again, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and I hope those deployed have, at minimum, a moment of peace to enjoy Thanksgiving — they deserve more than what we can repay them with.
Have a great day and enjoy the 3 Fs — family, food, and football — and hopefully your fantasy football teams hold up!
Hey all, this here is Emmitt to wish all you Nasty Boy fans a very Happy Hollerdays. When you get to your family during Thanksgiving be sure to think about being with your family on this day.
Today I am going to give you Emmitt’s best hollerday suggestions:
-When you cook da turkey, make sure you don’t overcook da turkey.
-Turkey and dresser is da best meal you can get.
-Thanksgiving Day football games are like history and when I played for Dallas we played in all the Thanksgiving days that we played in.
-Make sure you try da cranberry sauce because it just wouldn’t be cranberry sauce without it.
I hate to change the topic but I am going to…
It has been a good year, 2008 has and Emmitt has a lot to be thankful for. I had a very punctual year and I can’t wait to get back on ESPN for work again with the NFL. Which brings me to why I’m here, da NFL.
A lot has happened this NFL season since it started because it has been so long ago so I am going to give you my thoughts from the NFL season up to Thanksgiving Day:
-Da Rookie of da Year is none other than Atlanta quorterback Matt Ryan. Matt is the best quorterback to come through Atlanta since he got there.
-Da MVP — or Most Valuable Person — is gotta be Kurt Warner of the Arizona Cordinals. He has taken my former team to da next level through his great play at the quorterback position.
-Da Detroit Lions are very bad but they won’t be as bad if they win a game eventually.
-Da Bengals are in turmoil and I have been there but you have to realize you’re in turmoil before you can fix it.
Unfortunately my time is short ant that is all I have for you on this Thanksgiving Day. I hope you’re there for me and whenever you get down and think life is bad, remember Emmitt is there for you.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.
10:15AM – 34 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:
A package arrives for Mr. Mike Brown to 1 Paul Brown Stadium, Cincinnati, Ohio 45202. It’s a Netflix envelope. Millions of desperate fans now realize where money for a premier scouting department goes. The flick? Invincible starring Mark Wahlberg as Philadelphia Eagle “walk-on” Vince Papale.
12:00PM – 32 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
Credits are rolling for Invincible…
Mike Brown: “Brilliant! Get me Papale’s agent. If a guy with such gusto can walk-on for Coach Vermeil in Philadelphia we need to make a move for him by tomorrow night’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers at 8:15PM exclusively on the NFL Network!”
Apparently Mr. Brown has resorted to product placement advertisement even within his own Front Office. NFL Network pays him $1,000 for every mention. Proceeds go to his daughter’s extensive wardrobe of man-clothes:
Mike Brown: “If their quarterback is dumb enough to not know that there are ties in the NFL we should have no problem trading David Pollack for Vince Papale straight up. Hell, even I knew there are ties and I don’t know a damn thing about football. I will say, however, that I’ve been managing for ties my entire career because it is like I’ve always said, a tie is better than anything else!”
1:15PM – 31 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:
At his daily press conference Marvin Lewis explains his team’s recent struggles.
Marvin Lewis: “Has anybody seen the movie Major League? Mr. Brown let me borrow it off of his Netflix queue, he’s a big Charlie Sheen fan. God, I love Netflix. Anyways, the movie inspired what I thought would be one of my more brilliant coaching strategies for the start of this season. I have always gotten my best coaching schemes from Hollywood, it is why I have a robust .483 professional winning percentage. This strategy has only failed me once, apparently you can’t get angels in the endzone. I thought it was worth a shot. Anyways, about this year. So after watching Major League I decided to install a cardboard stand-up of Katie Blackburn in the locker-room and I told the guys that every time we won a game I would peel off an article of clothing…just like in Major League. Obviously this hasn’t gone over too well…we’re 1-8-1; it seems most of the team would rather the cardboard Blackburn keep her clothes on. Carson actually vomited. So that one is on me, I take full responsibility.”
4:00PM – 28 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
Vince Papale, now 62 years old and ravaged by dementia, reports to Bengals Compound confused and slightly intoxicated. Mike Brown has never been more excited by a league-minimum signing.
In the meantime, Fifth-Third Bank has frozen Mr. Brown’s account and put a hold on Papale’s paycheck. Even the seemingly-yet-not-admittedly gay bank teller thinks that the acquisition must be some kind of joke and that someone must have stolen a book of checks from Bengals Compound and forged Mr. Brown’s signature. Many Bengals fans are left to wonder why a similar observation hasn’t occurred sooner.
6:30PM – 25 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
Team dinner is promptly served by recently signed lineman/linecook Digger Bujnoch and his family’s catering business, Booj’s. Mike Brown is as giddy as as school girl over the ability to get two services out of Bujnoch for the price of one and begins wondering if Chris Henry would be interested in selling Dippin’ Dots in the stands during defensive drives.
Patting himself on the back for another cost-cutting maneuver done well and unable to dine thanks to a potent case of irritable bowel syndrome, Mr. Brown retires to his quarters with a bottle of Metamucil and the latest Clay Aiken CD. The team leaves town for Pittsburgh shortly thereafter.
Thursday, November 20, 2008 — Somewhere within Bengals Compound.
6:30AM – 13 hours, 45 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
Feeling refreshed and rested from the night’s sleep, Mr. Brown settles in his office for his morning coffee while Akili Smith massages BENGAY in to his boss’ aching and aging muscles. Reading the regional newspapers each morning with a cup of joe is always a treat for Mikey; it allows him to revisit each and everyday how well-received he is as team owner in the Cincinnati area.
10:00AM – 10 hours, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
A virtual off-day for the Front Office with the team en route to Pittsburgh, Mr. Brown begins the search for more bargain-basement players to pad his lineup and his resume. It takes little time for a scavenger of Brown’s caliber to realize that Philadelphia has more to offer than just a walk-on wide receiver.
Mike Brown: “I want the ‘garbage picking field goal kicking Philadelphia phenomenon’ and I want him now! If the Eagles were dumb enough to give up Papale for pennies on the dollar, Barney Gorman should be virtually free. I’ll see to it that the league’s most accurate active kicker Shayne Graham never boots another field goal for this team the rest of his career! (shouting to son Paul) Tell ‘em will give ‘em Odell Thurman and a tub of Bujnoch’s cole slaw! (snickering)”
1:45PM – 6 hours, 30 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
Katie Blackburn begins to salivate after watching the “Palumalu Island” promo for the 17th consecutive time while relaxing on her bed.
Meanwhile, in Pittsburgh, upon receiving a provocative text message from Bengals Executive Vice President Katie Blackburn, Troy Palumalu vomits a little bit in his mouth.
5:15PM – 3 hours until Bengals/Steelers game:
Marvin Lewis address his team before heading out to complete walk-throughs, warm-ups, and pregame ceremonies.
Marvin Lewis: “Ask not what your team can do for you; ask what you can do for your team. I have a dream that tonight this team will rise up and live out the true meaning of being a Cincinnati Bengal. And after the fight has ended, I hope to stand before you as your leader and declare one thing: Mission Accomplished. Gentlemen I want you to remember one thing tonight: a victory is one small step for this season, but one giant leap for seasons to come. So go out there and give it all you’ve got and win just one for the Gipper because blessed are the victors; for they shall inherit the Division. Amen.”
7:00PM – 1 hour, 15 minutes until Bengals/Steelers game:
Mr. Brown declined to travel for a Thursday night game in chilly Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and with pregame coverage commencing, he decides instead to sit down with his latest Netflix arrival. There will be no tuning in to tonight’s contest between his Bengals and the hated Steelers because even Mike Brown is too cheap to pay for the NFL Network.
(Ed.’s Note: Thanks to Charlie Hustle for some inspiration for this complete waste of your time.)
Last night’s Kentucky at North Carolina basketball game:
(Dramatization.)
“The Debacle in the Dean Dome.” That’s what they’re calling it.
And by they I mean me.
Kentucky narrowly escaped a mere single-digit loss thanks to 28 turnovers to start the 2008-2009 campaign 0-2 for only the third time in the program’s storied history. North Carolina now sits just 14 wins shy of Kentucky’s all-time mark — the one record Wildcat fans have grabbed at straws with as the glory has faded from this once-dominant regime. A 19-point Tar Heel victory kicked off ESPN’s college basketball coverage with the #1 team in the Nation’s two best players idly watching from the bench as if to say, “the team doesn’t need us for these has-beens.”
I woke up this morning — much like ZRO did post-VMI embarrassment — hoping it was all a bad dream. That the visions of that rat Roy Williams applauding gleefully from the sidelines and Dickie V.’s 18 Duke/Coach K. references were all merely nightmares within the depths of my slumber.
A nightmare it may have been but oh-so-real it was.
I immediately headed for the showers, hoping to wash away the stank of losing and searching for a single glimmer of hope in the coming weeks — and unfortunately it’s not Longwood (that’s what she said) at home next Monday.
In fact, as I stepped out of the shower it dawned on me: at least I still have the Bengals…right?
My much maligned band of nobodies is on a three week non-losing streak. Something that cannot be said about the basketball OR football Wildcats.
Cincy completely bamboozled the Eagles on Sunday, snatching a tie from the jaws of victory after tricking Donovan McNabb in to believing that there were no ties in the NFL, that the next step would be penalty kicks.
Only the Bengals could provide such heart-warming tales like the acquisition of lineman Digger Bujnoch, literally signed out of the West Side of Cincinnati after no other NFL team would have him. A man who once earned a paycheck delivering Salisbury steaks to Mike Brown while working for his parents’ catering company, Booj’s, is now suiting up for the orange and black attack (I can’t make this stuff up).
And it is fitting this holiday season that the Bengals are now staffed primarily by players left behind by teams that lack the foresight of Cincy’s front office as Mike Brown’s heart has grown three sizes this season. The Digger Bujnochs, the Chris Crockers (surprisingly not this Chris Crocker), and even the Cedric Bensons are our very own Island of Misfit Toys a la the Christmas classic Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer.
While I agonize in the state of my basketball Wildcats I still have these Bengals…my Bengals.
No other team could provide the emotional roller coaster ride or the laughs as the Bengals can. No other team could tug at the spirit with stories of sacrifice and redemption…for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th times. And no other team’s best player has gradually grown to resemble Little Richard since his arrival:
So when you’re gathered around the dinner table next week with your families for Thanksgiving, remember what you DO have (Chris Henry and Mike Brown) instead of what you DON’T have (a winning record after two games, ball security, a viable option at point guard, or a sober head coach) because, hey, at least we’re not Louisville fans:
If you had 23rd Turnover in the “When would MJ turn off the Kentucky game to do laundry for tomorrow?” Pool, please step forward to claim your prize.
Winner receives a coupon redeemable for one date-night with Charlie Hustle to the Spearmint Rhino…which is certainly more exciting than watching Kentucky basketball…
Below is a side-by-side comparison of two current anonymous college football powerhouses that have a legitimate shot at, if not inside track to, the BCS National Championship game. I use the term “anonymous” loosely because if you really sit and think about how the numbers are laid out, you can figure out the two teams fairly quickly and that my lead to a personal bias. So don’t do that. Take an objective look at these numbers for victories only and realize how impressive both sides really are.
Weekly Margins Of Victory
Team A
Team B
1
25
46
2
16
23
3
36
4
42
24
5
6
30
31
7
6
30
8
18
9
42
58
10
6
39
11
36
28
Total Games
10
8
Total Points For/Against
479-232
355-76
Average Scores
47.900-23.200
44.375-9.500
Average Margin
24.7
34.875
# Of Ranked Opponents
3
2
Bold margins denotes games against ranked opponents.
The majority of each teams’ column is comprised of that week’s margin of victory as opposed to score just to mask the games some and to look at games in a more basic fashion. Team B is scoring nearly as much per game as is Team A — and against a similar number of ranked opponents — while allowing far fewer points on defense. Of course Team A has been more consistently good accounting for 10 games versus Team B’s 8.
Which is the better team between Team A and Team B? You decide. Is either team the best team in the Nation? Who knows. And will these two teams play in the BCS National Championship? Only time will tell.
Two things that are for certain, however, is that both teams are playing some of the best — if not THE best — football in the country right now and a lot has to happen before any of the above questions can be answered. But by that time, answering the above questions will be that much easier.
Either way, the comparisons are remarkable. College football at its best.
P.S. If you haven’t already figured it out yet, Team A is Texas Tech and Team B is Florida…but don’t tell anyone, it will be our little secret…
Hey all, this here is Emmitt to wish all you Nasty Boy fans a very Happy Hollerdays. When you get to your family during Thanksgiving be sure to think about being with your family on this day.
