Charlie Hustle’s Bengals Quotes Of The Day

Ed.’s Note: This is what takes place in the head of the legendary Charlie Hustle…

“Cedric Benson…running with all the passion of a crack addict.”

“The Bengals are tackling Dominic Rhodes like he has AIDS.”

Updates:

“Even back in the Jeff Blake days it was exciting because of the bomb to Pickens or Darnay Scott.  Fitzy Kirkpatrick shits his pants if he has to throw it more than 20 yards.”

Ed.’s Note #2: I am sure there will be more to come throughout today…

Charlie Hustle’s Quote Of The Day

Ed.’s Note: Once again, this gem was left on my desktop by the legendary Charlie Hustle…

Regarding ESPN’s “The Talented Mr. Roto” Matthew Berry and this article: ESPN.com…

“He’s a fantasy football expert which officially puts him on the women attractiveness scale right below toll booth worker.  It’s like he meets some chick at the bar and when she politely asks him what he does for a living and he responds ‘Fantasy Football Expert,’ there is absolutely no follow up question given; the same confused look as if he said child rapist.”

Other Charlie Hustle Randmoness:

• Charlie Hustle’s Question Of The Day

Charlie Hustle’s Question Of The Day

Ed.’s Note: This gem was left on my desktop by the legendary Charlie Hustle…

What was the biggest reason for Sunday’s 35-6 loss at houston?

A) Marvin is an Exstacy addict and always seems too happy.

B) Mike Brown is secretly down $10 million to his bookie.

C) Ryan Fitzpatrick is Akili Smith in white face.

D) Paul Brown’s ghost hates black coaches.

Bengals News And Notes

– Trade rumors surfaced last weekend involving Chad Johnson. The source remains anonymous. Resident Bengals scumbag Geoff Hobson wrote in his weekly e-mail bag that he believed the rumor could have been started by Johnson’s agent, Drew Rosenhaus.

The real culprit behind the rumors? The fat boy pictured above, Defensive Coordinator Chuck Bresnahan. Now I’m not Gil Grissom from CSI, but who would profit the most from Chad Johnson trade distractions? Why the worse defensive coordinator in the league! One’s imagination wouldn’t have to stray far to imagine Chuck making the phone call to Chris Mortensen with the same poise as the guy in Jurassic Park that got eaten by the T-Rex with his pants down on the toilet.

– Speaking of Geoff Hobson, columnist and probable World of Warcraft expert, his sentiments on the Bengals running game this past weekend were breathtaking…
“The return of the running game was as glorious as the sun cutting through the fog of a Smokies morning.”

Was he talking about football or a commercial for Johnsonville sausages? You be the judge. Danny Tanner just called and said that was cheesy.

– Speaking of sausages, Willie Anderson is out this week with a bad foot. Not only is Willie the president of numerous Fat Burger chains, but he’s also a client! Please contain your shock…

Needless to say this means more time for Scott “False Start” Kooistra. If there were a bet on how many times Troy Polamalu will run by Kooistra untouched this Sunday the over/under would be +/- 75. I hope Carson Palmer got in on the same $30 million dollar insurance policy that Tony Romo got for career-ending injuries.

– Lastly, if we lose this week to the Steelers I will no longer be cheering for the Bengals this season, but in fact cheering for them to lose every game from now on so they can draft DT Glenn Dorsey next summer. This isn’t something I want to do. But since management is simply incapable of signing free agents or developing non-drug addicted talent, this is the only hope for the Bengals to ever have a chance at winning anything. Ever.

Good luck and God bless,

Charlie Hustle

Please Curb Stomp Geoff Hobson

Resident Bengals apologist Geoff Hobson from Bengals.com fame, actual person seen above (don’t believe his photo appearing on the website), has finally pissed me off enough to write a column about his ridiculous proclamations about our beloved Bengals. I will break down previous articles at a later time so I’ll stick with the current one for now. George Strait and Kentucky bourbon prevent lots of research at this point.

Here’s the way Hobson works…. 

1) He confuses the reader. This is a portion of a reader’s e-mail this week….

“ With the lackluster defensive performance this past week, how long do you think that the leash on defensive coordinator Chuck Bresnahan is?”

Response? “If Lewis does it now, why didn’t he just do it in the offseason?”

- Answering a question with a question, very tricky Hobson. There’s no answer whatsoever in that question either. But it gets better…

Continuing… “In this game, it’s never one answer. It’s A, B, C, D, All Of The Above. But given the startling gap in its performance, the Defense Question isn’t multiple choice but a brain teaser. “

- Stephen f*cking Hawking couldn’t come up with the algorithim to make any sense of this. This guy actually gets paid for this job?

2) Hobson then will change the focus of the blame…

“Under Bresnahan, these are basically the same coaches and players that shut out Cleveland six games ago.”

- Yeah Geoff, we shut out the 4-12 Cleveland Clowns last year. Devastating.

Then Hobson gets really tricky….

“Under Bresnahan, these are basically the same coaches and players that held New Orleans’ explosive NFC Championship offense on the road to 16 points eight games ago.”

- True, Naw’lins had 16 points in this game. In the epic defensive performance by the Bengals they only gave up 510 PASSING YARDS! Only the four ridiculous turnovers perpetrated by the Saints prevented them from putting up 50 points. Not fooling me Hobson… get off the World of Warcraft ’cause you gotta bring it better than that….

3) Hobson performs an eye-gouge/crotch chop to Bengals fans by comparing mediocre Bengals players to All-Pro players on other teams….

Who Wants To Be A Commissioner?

“The Nasty Boys” would like to introduce the new running blog:

Who has the worst commissioner job?

We will consistently update the three commissioners’ problems and their recent scandals.

We would also encourage you to VOTE for the worst commish job in the COMMENTS SECTION.

The Candidates:

Bud Selig – Bud Selig, the former owner of the Milwaukee Brewers and idolizer of Home Run King Hank Aaron, has announced that he will be following the next games of Barry Bonds. He made the following statement…

“Out of respect for the tradition of this game, the magnitude of the record, and the fact that all citizens in this country are innocent until proven guilty, I will attend Barry Bonds’ next games to observe his potential tying and breaking of the home run record, subject to my commitments to the Hall of Fame this weekend.”

As Lewis Black said on The Daily Show, “HE’S USING CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS TO JUSTIFY HAVING TO WATCH A BASEBALL GAME!!!”

The heat on Bonds officially turned up a notch when the book, “Game of Shadows” came out, extensively describing Bonds’ and others’ steroid use through BALCO. Selig’s comment at the time of the book?…

“It was worse than I thought.”

With Federal indictments on hold due to Bonds’ trainer Greg Anderson refusing to testify and sitting in jail in contempt (and collecting checks from Bonds while in the clink), Selig’s only course was to hire former Senator George Mitchell to lead a weak investigation of players “volunteering” information.

So now Bud Selig has to fly to San Francisco and pretend to celebrate the most celebrated record in sports, held by his childhood hero, and about to be broken by a guy with a 9 3/4 inch head and shoes bigger than Shaq’s.

David Stern – After looking like someone had just run over his dog in his latest press conference, David Stern is embroiled in one of the NBA’s biggest scandals in its history.

Currently, Stern is the longest tenured and probably most powerful commissioner in American sports, serving as commissioner for the last 23 years. However, this didn’t stop Tim Donaghy from betting on games, apparently desperate for money after losing to “mobbed-up” sports bookies.

Stern commented, “I can tell you that this is the most serious situation and worst situation that I have ever experienced either as a fan of the NBA, a lawyer for the NBA or a commissioner of the NBA.”

Not only is the integrity of the NBA highly in doubt at this point, but Donaghy’s games can be re-watched and analyzed, questioned about whether the fix was in or not. Every questionable call from now on in any NBA game will now be heckled by fans, “HEY DONAGHY! HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE ON THIS ONE?!?!?”

The most damning evidence was that as late as 2005, Donaghy was being investigated for gambling. Stern claimed he couldn’t answer the obvious question as to why this wasn’t addressed sooner, saying that the FBI specifically asked him not to comment on the investigation….

Meanwhile, Stern is stuck having to answer questions on the very essence and integrity of his game.

Roger Goodell – After suspending Chris Henry and PacMan Jones under the new Player Behavior Policy, all seemed calm on the homefront for Roger Goodell. As Charles Barkley said,

“Pacman and Henry, man they is habitual fools!”

Now that Vick has been indicted on ‘Federal Dog Genocide’ charges, it would appear that the second coming of the OJ trial is on our hands. A few years earlier, Vick had signed the largest contract in NFL history, becoming the face for the league. Now, we’re a few more damning charges from a high-speed chase in a white Bronco, with Al Cowlings calling in to the police….

“This is A.C.! I got O.J., I mean Vick, in the car! (pause) This is A.C.! You know who this is, —damnit!”

Even Arthur Blank, noted Vick apologist, referred to him only as “the player” in his latest press conference, noting that the “player” was referenced 50 times in his indictment. 50 TIMES! Considering that 95% of Federal indictments are successful in their prosecution, it’s amazing that some people are still holding on to the “innocent until proven guilty” defense.

As Colin Cowherd noted something along these lines, “This is the NFL. Not a court. If a reasonable person can look at the evidence and decide that he is clearly guilty, then we as REASONABLE people don’t have to rely on courts that drag out for years and years.”

So now America’s most popular sport is in the news for one of its most popular players electrocuting and mass murdering dogs. Talk about ruining the momentum leading into NFL training camp. Worse yet, Goodell had to hire ex-FBI and ex-CIA agents to dig up some “indisputable facts” that would allow them to suspend Vick indefinitely without going through the courts.

WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION….

WHO HAS THE WORST JOB AS LEAGUE COMMISSIONER:

SELIG, STERN, OR GOODELL

PLEASE VOTE IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW!

–Charlie Hustle

The Michael Vick Saga Continues

Michael Vick is now scheduled to make his first court appearance on July 26th. The charges against Vick include “Conspiracy to Travel in Interstate Commerce in Aid of Unlawful Activities” and to “Sponsor a Dog in an Animal Fighting Venture.”

Indictment:

According to the indictment handed down by the U.S. District Court of Richmond, VA, the following people are being charged with the crime:

Purnell A. Peace a.k.a. “P-Funk”
Quanis L. Phillips a.k.a. “Q”
Tony Taylor a.k.a. “T” and….

Michael Vick a.k.a. “Ookie”

Included in the 18-page indictment handed down by the Federal Grand Jury are VERY specific allegations of the killing of the pit bulls including electrocution, hanging, drowning, and slamming a dog into the ground to death.

Here is an example from the indictment that can be found on TheSmokingGun.com…

“53. In or about March 2003, PEACE, after consulting VICK about the losing female pit bull’s condition, executed the losing dog by wetting the dog down with water and electrocuting the animal.”

As much as the sports media has been hesitant to convict Michael Vick before his trial, due to obvious oversights of “media conviction” during the Duke Lacrosse rape scandal, these allegations are so specific it’s hard for anyone to believe that Vick would not be convicted.

The fact that Vick has been indicted with 3 other individuals who clearly have less to lose than “Ookie” means that they most likely would seek plea deals that would implicate Vick even more.

According to Lester Munson, Chicago lawyer and contributor to ESPN.com, the Federal Court in Richmond is known as the “rocket docket” because it is the fastest Federal Court in the nation for getting cases started and moving them along. Munson believes the trial will commence within 4 to 6 months.

Also according to Munson, the Richmond Court is also known for its stringent application of the law. Apparently former UVA basketball star and Houston Rocket Ralph Sampson fell behind on his child support. Usually this is handled in a settlement, but the Richmond prosecutors charged and convicted him of felonies in the matter, and Sampson spent 2 months in jail just for missing child support.

If missing child support in Richmond gets you two months in jail, I can’t imagine what massacring and torturing pit bulls will get Ookie Vick.

Contract:

In December, 2004, Ookie Vick signed what was then the richest contract in the HISTORY of the NFL. The deal was a 10-year, $130-million contract with $37 million in bonuses.

However, according to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, if the Falcons were to release Michael Vick, the “impact, although still hefty, shrank as of June 1. The hit would be $6 million-plus for 2007 and about $15 million for 2008.

Unlike MLB, NBA, and NHL contracts, NFL contracts are not guaranteed. Most player contracts state that, “If player has engaged in personal conduct reasonably judged by Club to adversely affect or reflect on Club, then Club may terminate this contract.”

Although Ookie could be released, the salary cap ramifications for the Falcons would be “accelerated.” This means that whatever bonus money hasn’t been paid to Vick would need to be tacked onto the Falcons’ salary cap within 1-2 years. Even if Vick were suspended by the NFL, he would not be paid his salary but it would still count against the salary cap.

In late 2004 when Vick signed the contract, his release was not even in the question. As owner Arthur Blank put it, “It should be officially understood and known now that I work for Michael Vick.”

Public Opinion:

If this YouTube clip shows any indication of the public’s feelings on dog fighting, then Ookie Vick is in for a world of hurt.

P.S. The indictments are still pending on Chris Samuels under the U.S. Statute of “Laughing at Inappropriate Subjects.”

– Charlie Hustle

Bengals Fantasy Preview

Fantasy magazines have been on the newsstands for a few weeks and that only means one thing: Fantasy Football Season.

Men with button-up short-sleeve shirts and discount-rack ties everywhere anticipate every summer when they can slip their brand new fantasy football magazine into their cubicles and study up while they are supposed to be filling out T.P.S. Reports.

“The Nasty Boys” would now like to present the 2007-2008 Bengals Fantasy Preview: “Office Space” style….

QB: Carson Palmer a.k.a. “Peter-man”

2006 Stats: 324-520 (62.3%), 4035 yds, 28 TDs, 13 INT

Carson Palmer spent most of the 2006 fantasy season as one of the top-ranked fantasy quarterbacks in the league and is moving up faster than Peter up the corporate ladder. The trio of Ocho Cinco-Housh-Henry were plenty of weapons for Carson. Although Carson, and the Bengals, sorta “petered” out towards the end of the season, there’s no reason to be anything but high on Carson this year. He is being ranked in most magazines the #2 QB overall, right behind Peyton Manning. With 2 years in-between his knee injury and now, and plenty to prove on the field, Carson is poised for a breakout year. Call it a homer pick but Peyton lost some weapons and will have a target on his back after winning the Super Bowl.

2007 Projection: 67% completions, 4200 yds, 34 TDs, 12 INTs

Overall QB Rank: #1

Souls For Sale

A fraternity brother told me last year that he only remembered seeing his dad cry once. It was at Riverfront Stadium in 1995 where his family had season tickets for the Bengals. It was before the first game of the season and Bengals all-time great nose tackle, Tim Krumrie, had ridden onto the field on his motorcycle.

The former 10th round pick had served 12 years on the gridiron. He had also suffered one of the most gruesome injuries of all-time in the NFL, breaking his leg trying to tackle Roger Craig of the 49ers in Super Bowl XXIII. Nose tackle could be considered the least sexy job on the football field. A 12-year career in the trenches would be like 30 years for a Wide Receiver.

So on that day Tim Krumrie rode off into the sunset on his motorcycle, a hero to all Bengals fans. A hero that dads would tell their sons about for future generations. Which begs the question:

Was it worth selling our souls for an 8-8 team plagued by crooks and criminals?

The fact of the matter is that few Bengals fans seem to care. I’m sure it’s hard for middle-aged white men to really relate to Chris Henry and other black Bengals who grew up in poverty. So when they hear of another player arrested, they just write them off as criminals who can’t follow the law despite millions of dollars in the bank.

However, when Sundays roll around, every white middle-aged male that calls in to talk radio and denegrates these players as thugs – is still crossing his fingers that Chris Henry, or whoever will make the lineup, will perform. After all, he is talented and he does score touchdowns – guns and pot be damned.

During the days of Tim Krumrie, a father could take his son to Riverfront and be proud that his son’s hero was playing on the gridiron that day. Should father’s now be purchasing t-shirts with mugshots on the front for their sons? What should they say when young Tommy asks, “Daddy, why isn’t Odell on the field? Did he fail another urine test?”

What is this sacrifice worth that Bengals fans have made? Is this 8-8 lemon worth the squeeze?

For example… the next time you watch Around the Horn or PTI and see that a “Bengals” topic is coming up, will you not be disappointed when its about jail time and not playing time? If we are having to endure a team that has such low-character losers on it, shouldn’t we be better than .500?

For my money, give me Tim Krumries riding off in motorcycles and dads crying with their sons. I’d rather be 3-13 and love my team all week, than sell my soul for an 8-8 team and hate them every day but Sunday.

– Charlie Hustle

How To Fix The Reds

  

Step 1: Convince George Steinbrenner to purchase team….

 Just kidding.

 After the firing of Jerry Narron (thank God it’s not too late, since we’re only 16 1/2 games out of the division) the fans finally have something to talk about. A new manager means that somebody can officially be “blamed” for the worst record in baseball.

My main thought on Jerry Narron or any manager for that matter, is that unless your team has the least talent – you shouldn’t be in last place. The Reds certainly don’t have the least talent in MLB, despite the worst record, or else I wouldn’t bother writing this column.

So here’s how to fix the Reds…

GET THE MOST OUT OF DISPOSABLE PARTS:

- Unless your name is Ken Griffey Junior, if you are 35+ years old, you don’t need to be playing significant innings for this club. So…

Trade David Weathers – He’s our only real bargaining chip in the bullpen, and a lot of contenders will need help down the stretch. It might sound weird trading our best bullpen pitcher, but he’s working on 38 years old. How many old arms do we need to see fall apart before we realize we should get younger?

Trade (if possible) Scott Hatteberg – I’m sure some team out there needs a left handed bat to come off the bench. But realistically, is there another team in the majors that would run a platoon at 1B where Hatteberg is providing the power at 7 HRs (compared to Conine’s 4), while even our fucking Shortstop has 13 HRs

Trade Adam Dunn – It’s undeniable this guy would be a perfect DH for some American League team. But we’re not in the American League. We lead the league in home runs and we have the worst record. So who gives a fuck if a few less fans get souvenirs. He has value now and it’s declining everyday that we still have this guy.

RELEASE THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE:

Mike Stanton
Eddie Guardado
Jeff Conine
David Ross

Give Fat Eddie and Chubbs Stanton their Golden Buckeye cards and their pink slips. Oh yeah, and sorry Dave, you gotta hit above .200 to make my lineup cocksucker.

CALL UP THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE:

P Bobby Livingston (1-0, 3.00 ERA in THE FUCKING MAJORS THIS YEAR… WHY IS HE IN LOUISVILLE WHAT THE FUCK!!!)
P Phil Dumatrait (8-5, 3.63 ERA)
1B Joey Votto (.314 AVG, 10 HR, 46 RBIs)

ENFORCE A WEIGHT LIMIT SYSTEM:

Fat Eddie aside, we shouldn’t have people like Adam Dunn and Todd Coffey showing up to Spring Training at 260+ lbs. That’s not a fucking professional attitude whatsoever.

How do we expect the Dunner to snag fly balls when he can hardly bend over to tie his shoelaces without falling over?

KEEP THE SAME LINEUP:

Excluding rosters moves, here’s how the lineup should look:

Freel (Should be back soon)
Phillips
Griffey
Hamilton
Dunn (or Hamilton)
Hatteberg
AGonzalez
Valentin
Pitcher….

It’s not that hard. Keep it the fucking same. You’ll be amazed how much more consistent hitters are when they encounter many of the same situations/runners on base from game-to-game. 

SPEND MONEY:

Realistically, the Reds will never make the playoffs with their current roster. But we’re not THAT far away, 1 or 2 free agent signings can be the difference. Here’s a list of some of the 2008 free agents (age in parentheses):

1. John Smoltz (41)
2. Carlos Zambrano (27)
3. Joe Nathan (33)
4. Mariano Rivera (38)
5. Jorge Posada (36)
6. Curt Schilling (41)
7. Bobby Abreu (34)
8. Ichiro Suzuki (34)
9. Andruw Jones (31)
10. Carlos Guillen (32)
11. Jeff Kent (40)
12. Mike Lowell (34)
13. Jason Jennings (29)
14. Jake Westbrook (30)
15. Ivan Rodriguez (36)
16. Freddy Garcia (32)
17. Kenny Rogers (43)
18. Torii Hunter (32)
19. Jason Isringhausen (35)
20. Omar Vizquel (41)
21. Marcus Giles (30)
22. Eric Byrnes (32)
23. Paul Lo Duca (36)
24. Bob Wickman (39)
25. Corey Patterson (28)
26. Adam Dunn (28)
27. Scott Linebrink (31)
28. Michael Barrett (31)
29. Milton Bradley (30)
30. Jon Lieber (38)
31. David Eckstein (33)
32. Aaron Rowand (30)
33. Juan Uribe (29)
34. Bartolo Colon (35)

 … 23 of these guys are 35 years old or less.

Speaking of free agents… This list is provided by MLBTradeRumors.com and has Adam Dunn ranked 26th for next year, even lower than 400+ lb. reliever Bob Wickman. The longer we hold on to him, the less value he has. So shit or get off the pot Krivsky.

INVEST IN MORE RESTAURANTS/BUSINESS BY GABP:

There’s a reason why the Cubs sell out almost every game, even though they usually suck. Most people go to Wrigley to drink. And they also go to the apartments above Waveland Ave. to drink and watch the game. The bar/restaurant life is so abundant, it doesn’t matter whether they win or lose – people want to be there.

Meanwhile, I don’t want to walk two blocks in the wrong direction away from Great American or I’m afraid I’ll be fleeced by some vagrant just out on parole.

Unless we’re all willing to just give up the city of Cincinnati to fucking bums and murderers like its Escape From New York, which personally I’m not, how about we build a fan-friendly bar district close to the stadium. It could double as a hang out for Bengals games (since they consistently sell out now) for fans wanting to tailgate.

If we could have more Reds fans at the games, then I would imagine that would translate into more revenue for free agents? You just have to give fans a reason to go, and it’s not to drop bums change into cups.

And while we’re at it, Castellini should hire women models to be “seat fillers” at games and talk up a bunch of the drunks. They could show them on the Reds TV broadcast coming back from commercials. As a man, if you see hot women over and over at the games, are you telling me that you wouldn’t be inclined to attend a few more? It sure as hell works for Hooters.

This would also keep Marty Brenneman distracted, as I believe he’s one more Dunn error away from FedEx’ing a turd sandwich to the stadium marked ATTN: WAYNE KRIVSKY…

And lastly…

FOCUS ON SPEED AND DEFENSE:

This is the most important aspect to me, and one I hope the new interim manager focuses on.

I was watching a sports report on the former great Ozzie Smith. He was talking about when he got traded from the Padres to the Cardinals, they were complaining about his bat (or lack thereof). Ozzie responded by saying the following…

“What difference does it make whether I drive in 100 runs, or stop 100 runs from coming in?”

This is so true. It’s so fucking unacceptable to me to have our Left Fielder consistently botch plays in the outfield. Why isn’t our Shortstop being benched after making error after error on easy plays when he can clearly make the few hard ones? And don’t get me started on Edwin “Don’t call me Error” Encarnacion.

Here’s a few stats for you…

–The Reds have played 39 games this year decided by 2 runs or less.

–The Reds record in those games is 13-26.

–”Late innings” is 7th inning on. I am including extra innings and factoring in the couple of times we did not bat in the 9th.

–In 18 of those 39 games, the Reds failed to score any runs in the late innings.

–In only 11 of those 39 games did the Reds score more than one run in the late innings.

–In those 39 games, the Reds have played (offense) in 131 innings. They have a TOTAL of 35 runs in those innings.

–This is an average of .27 runs per game over the late innings.

All we needed was a few manufactured runs or a few runs taken away. Speed on the basepaths and defense on the field could be the difference between 5-10 games back of the division and 16-20, which is where we are headed. 

The Reds aren’t really that far off if we emphasize the right areas: give the youthful players a chance, run every ground ball out, make the plays in the field, etc. and we’re right there. In fact, I predict the Reds have a +.500 record for the second half of the season.

We may not end up within 10 games of the division. But hell, at least I’ll have something to talk about.

— Charlie Hustle

Charlie’s Sports Notes

– Which one is the mascot?

– …The Reds officially have the worst record in baseball today… This announcement brought to you by JTM’s dancing Bag O’Meat! It’s Bag O’Meat, meat patties in a bag with a plastic zipper! Eat JTMs… they haven’t terminally poisoned Chris Welsh… yet!

– For the upcoming NBA Draft…

Candidate A: “I consider myself a role player. I understand people are projecting me a top pick, and those guys are supposed to be franchise guys. But I’m not that kind of guy who needs to come in and take over.”

Candidate B: “I’ve been training to be a franchise player since I was 9. That’s the first time I told my parents I was serious about getting to the NBA.”

Candidate A = Greg Oden

Candidate B = Kevin Durant…. umm who would you want #1?

– If your own self-run NFL website runs this, you will probably not be a factor in the playoffs….

Defense/Special Teams

Projected Draft Range: Undrafted
2006 Stats: 35 sacks, 31 TO, 1 TD, 20.7 PA

“The Bengals team defense will likely go undrafted in most drafts as fantasy players will recall the perception of the NFL’s 30th-ranked defense. “

….. Yes Bengals.com writers, fans will probably remember the “perception” of a swiss cheese, no-account defense. More people will apply for Tank Johnson’s bodyguard work than will draft the Bengals defense in fantasy leagues.

– Apparently even retired, bald ex-Mariner teammates of Junior can predict the future…

Griffey had dinner Thursday night with former Mariners teammate Jay Buhner. The close friend must have been keeping up with the struggling 29-47 Reds.

“Jay actually called today’s game the first day I was here,” Griffey said. “He said, ‘Knowing your luck, you’re going to hit a couple of home runs and you’re going to lose, 3-2. He said that on Thursday.”

– Would you rather have your drug abusing baseball players look like this…

or this..

Personally I’ll take the Roids of the late 90’s over the Crack of the 80’s.

Who won the AL MVP of 1992, post-coke pre-roids? A fucking closer – Dennis Eckersley. Oh the excitement!

NL MVP that year?

This guy:

2nd Place in ‘92? None other than Terry “Porkchops” Pendleton!

I’ll take Sosa and McGwire going for 61 homers on the juice anyday over Porkchops Pendleton.

And lastly…

In honor of Rod Beck and his Fu Manchu passing away… here are some of baseball’s finest staches…

Rod Beck – Fu Manchu

Rollie Fingers – Handlebar Stache

Sal Fasano – Prison Bitch Stache

Sal Fasano – Released on Parole Stache

Wade Boggs – “If I grow this stache thick enough, I can use it for hair plugs later in life” Stache…..

Bill Cowher and Freddie Mercury – The “Openly Gay” Stache

….. and the all-time best stache is….

Bobby Valentine – “The umps will never recognize this disguise” Stache.

– Charlie Hustle

2007 U.S. Open Preview

The U.S. Open is being held at Oakmont this year, and is being touted as one of the toughest tests ever. Vijay Singh was quoted earlier in the week that the winner would be at 10-12 over par.

The last time Oakmont held the U.S. Open, Ernie Els won at -5. Then the course was 6946 yd, Par 71.

Now? A 7230 yard, Par 70 monster.

The Breakdown:

Driveable Par 4s: 3 (2, 14, 17)

600+ yd Par 5s: 2 (Hole 4: 609 yds, Hole 12: 632-667 yds)

Ridiculous Par 3: 1 (Hole 8: 288 yds… against the wind, will be playing 300+)

Par 5 switched to Par 4: 1 (Hole 9… 477 yds dog leg, tight fairway)

Add on the infamous thick U.S. Open rough and lightning-fast greens, and we have quite the course.

Here’s the player breakdown:

Obvious Favorites:

1. Tiger Woods

2. Phil Mickelson (barring that wrist injury)

3. Vijay Singh

Famous Players That Won’t Make the Cut:

1. Ernie Els

2. Davis Love III

3. Justin Leonard

4. Colin Montgomerie

5. Jose Maria Olazabal

Players That Are Overdue But Will Fall Just Short:

1. Paddy Harrington

2. Sergio Garcia

3. Adam Scott

4. Charles Howell III

5. Camilo Villegas

Hot Unknowns That May Make A Splash:

1. Rod Pampling

2. Sean O’Hair

3. Ken Duke

Players That Should Make Top 10:

1. Rory Sabbatini (Long off the tee, putting has been very hot)

2. Jim Furyk (Hits the ball straight, great tee-to-green)

3. Thomas Bjorn (Always seems to show up in the U.S. Open/British Open)

4. Scott Verplank (Not many golfers are hotter than Verplank)

5. Robert Allenby (Just a hunch)

and the winner…..

Champion: Retief Goosen. Yes he is the 2-time U.S. Open Champion so this prediction would seem obvious, but Retief always flies under the radar. I ask myself 3 questions when picking a winner…

1. Who can recover from a bad first day with good driving and knocking it close? Goosen.

2. Who is the least likely to blow a gasket if they make a mistake in the rough? Goosen.

3. Who is the best putter on fast greens? Goosen.

So there’s your winner. Retief Goosen.

– Charlie Hustle

Sunday Predictions & Notes

Mike Brown a.k.a Bubba Gump is in for another rough night according to Charlie Hustle’s Sunday Predictions….

– Tonight’s NBA finals game 2 will be one of the lowest rated NBA finals games in the last 20 years due to the Sopranos finale… way to schedule that one David Stern. Having three days off will help shake the rust off and improve the brutal shooting from the field.

– The Reds will record less than 6 hits today against C.C. Sabathia

– Mike Brown will continue to play Larry Hughes until his foot actually falls off. He must have him on his fantasy playoff team or something.

– When they played the radio highlights of Joe Nuxhall before today’s Reds game, there was a total of one within the last 10 years.

– LeBron will once again shoot below 50% from the field… but he’ll get a few more foul calls so he’ll score 25-28 points.

– Between David Weathers, Mike Stanton, Todd Coffey, Eddie Guardado, Aaron Harang, and Adam Dunn, who uses the most plates at the China Buffet? I’m going with Stanton at around 15. These “professional athletes” look more like the Super Fans. Daaaaaa Reds.

– Favorite current Reds’ nickname via 700 WLW: Tie between Kirk “Screwloose” Saarloos and Gary “Saddlebags” Majewski.

– Latest Jerry “I’m still employed?” Narron quote in regards to Homer Bailey…

“You’re going to foul a lot of balls off, just because of the stuff he has. But to be able to go deep in games, he’s going to have to be more efficient. Either that, or he’ll have to get up to a 150 pitch count, and I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

Who said anything about 150 fucking pitches?!?!

– Ken Griffey Jr. was named the MLB “Clutch Player of the Month” for May. The Reds were 9-21 in May….

In other news, Zydrunas Ilgauskas squeeked out the NBA’s Clutch Caveman Award this week from from the Clippers’ Chris Kaman..

– Is it possible for the NL Central winner to have a sub-.500 record? It’s looking pretty good so far…

– Is it worse that fans want Adam Dunn traded when we are going to get nothing more than a mid-level reliever for him, or that they want him replaced with Norris Hopper, who in 82 ABs has 1 RBI?

– Tonight’s Sopranos Prediction: Paulie Walnuts kills Tony.

– Tonight’s Game 2 Prediction: Spurs 87, Cavs 82

— Charlie Hustle

NBA Finals Preview

Since I’ve been more of the devil’s advocate during this NBA playoffs I figured I should finally step out on a limb and make a prediction.

First of all, here’s the Top 5 reasons these playoffs have been unwatchable:

1. Boring teams. Interesting and exciting teams (Houston, Phoenix, Golden State, Chicago, Toronto) didn’t make the leap and boring teams (San Antonio, Utah, Cleveland, Detroit) made the Conference finals. We couldn’t get one high-paced, high-excitement team with some budding superstars?

2. Flopping. Why does the NBA highlight yesteryear when the Bad Boy Pistons and other teams used hard fouls to intimidate players coming in the lane then call every single flop a charge and every hard foul a flagrant? If Americans wanted pussy officiating we would be getting a satellite feed of French basketball at our local BW3s.

3. Bad Coaching.

a. LeBron wasn’t double-teamed until Game 6

b. Golden State ran as many set plays down the stretch as a 6-year old boys rec team that runs around following the ball.

c. Eric fucking Snow was put in the game with 1:05 remaining on an offensive possession.

d. Gordon Giricek was allowed to suit up and play any minutes. Why is this guy in the NBA?

e. Everytime the Spurs won, even by large margins, Gregg Popovich looked like his dog was just run over in the parking lot during the press conference. No wonder people don’t want to cheer for the Spurs.

4. Media Coverage. LeBron was crowned the best player ever in history. After he was accused of being a choker for passing down the stretch. These idiots in the media change their mind on epic levels everyday. Know why he scored 25 in a row? The rest of the team was 0-10. He’s been compared to Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson so many times it’s ridiculous. Can we wait to hype people AFTER they’ve actually won something called a “championship”? Can’t somebody be a special player without having to live up to MJ? Ugh.

5. The Amare Suspension. This was the single most fucked up part of the playoffs. Not only did the 2 best teams get matched up in the fuckin Western semi-finals, but David Stern & co. decided to ruin it by suspending Stoudamire/Diaw for the most important game of the series – Game 5 in Phoenix. What a stupid suspension from a stupid rule.

Just because someone gets off the bench when the 2-time MVP goes flying into a table doesn’t mean you’re going to see another Jeff Van Gundy holding on to Alonzo Mourning’s leg while his 47 hairs left stand straight up.

David Stern just reinforced the pussification of the league, rewarding flopping and sitting on the bench during an altercation like you’re in church. Way to go and ruin the playoffs.

Now that that’s off my chest….

 **********  2007 NBA FINALS PREVIEW ***********

 Center: Elson/Oberto vs. Ilgauskas.

EDGE: Cavs. This one is closer than you might think. Ilgauskas can’t guard anyone period. But he is consistent with his 15-20 foot jumper when the Cavs break down offensively.

Forward: Duncan/Bowen/Horry vs. LeBron/Gooden/Varejao

EDGE: Spurs. LeBron can be fantastic and Varejao is underrated as an offensive rebounder/flopper extraordinaire. But between Duncan’s consistent post play, Bowen’s defense/3-point shooting, and Big Shot Bob’s well… big shots, the Spurs have a definitive advantage. Gooden’s 19 points in Game 4 are the last Cavs fans will see of that.

Guard: Parker/Finley/Ginobli/Barry/Vaughn vs. Hughes/Gibson/Pavlovic/Snow/Jones

EDGE: Spurs. Big Time. The guards will determine this series and I believe it’s the Spurs’ guards that will dominate. Hughes has a bad foot and he can’t shoot anyway. Shooting is about all Pavlovic is good for. Gibson, the hero of the Detroit series, will have to prove he can hit shots when LeBron isn’t double-teamed.

Meanwhile, Parker has been more dominant in these playoffs than ever before and Ginobili and Finley have been deadly from 3 point range. I mean really, who in the hell is going to guard Tony Parker? It’s just not happening.

Coach: Edge: Spurs by a mile. Remember the movie Rushmore, where Bill Murray walks over to a bunch of little kids playing basketball and swats the shit out of one of the kids’ shots? Thats the perfect analogy for Popovich vs. Brown.

I would encourage all NBA fans watching this series to note the outcoaching the Popovich will do. That is my #1 guarantee.

Intangibles: Well let’s see….

Players on the Spurs I’ve seen hit a big shot:

Duncan, Parker, Ginobili, Bowen, Horry, Finley

Players on Cavs I’ve seen hit a big shot:

LeBron

… uhh I’ll take the Spurs.

Prediction:

Tonight’s Game – Spurs 91, Cavs 84

Series – Spurs in 5