March Madness Baby

The Nasty Boys are lighting up the midnight oil to provide one of the first March Madness primers….assuming Pat Forde’s 10,000 word column was mainly written before the brackets came out…

Winners:

Big East – Hard to believe when ESPN has Big East Monday and covers the Big East conference tournament, that it could possibly result in 3 #1 seeds. ESPN dictates sports fans viewpoints with the vigor of a Soviet propaganda minister.

Memphis - Not a #1 seed? Who cares. After Cincinnati, Louisville, Marquette, etcetera left in 2005, Memphis seems to go pretty much defeated in the Washington Senator-esque Conference USA every year. They lost 3 games after losing their 3 best players to the NBA draft. Soak it up Calipari… you’ve come a long way baby

Just 15 years ago Cliff Huxtable was ready to whip your ass.

Big Ten – 7 tournament bids from the most horrendous offensive teams in recent history. But hey, they followed a simple formula… make one team so indefensibly bad they improve everyone’s conference record (Indiana) + make typical losers slightly better (NW, PSU, UofMich, Minny) + make your middle of the road teams (OSU, Purdue) as good as your best teams (Mich St, Illinois)

Arizona – Consistently underwhelm every year and do less with more? Check. Lose basically every game for 3 weeks leading up the tourney? Check. Sneak in as the last at-large bid? Check.

Atlantic 10 – If anyone would have told me before the season that the conference championship would include a luke warm Duquesne/Temple showdown and that there would be 3 bids coming for the tourney, well… ya know…

Losers:

Missouri Valley Conference – Your best team (Creighton) doesn’t get in and your best showing is a 12 seed (Northern Iowa)? Ouch.

Akron - Win a surprisingly tough MAC tournament? Good for you. Now go play Gonzaga in Portland.

Kentucky – Misses the tourney for the first time since 1991 even in a weak year for the SEC. Only a 4th seed in the NIT? Yikes. Maybe the extra time will help Billy G. find more than one player who can shoot a jumper.

… and now…

Announcers:

Gus Johnson – Anyone with a pulse will be excited to hear Johnson calling upset-last-second-shot victories.

Bill Raftery – Saying “mantoman” and “onions” in a weird voice does not a good playcaller make.

Ian Eagle/Jim Sparnakel – I wish there was an announcer website like baseball-reference.com that kept track of most consecutive boring, unimportant games called record holder – Ian Eagle. Whether it’s calling late season Chiefs/Bengals matchups or the enticing UNC/Radford showdown, Ian Eagle has it covered. That’s “eye-an” for those keeping score.

Lesley Visser/Tracy Wolfson/Sam Ryan – Hey, woman sideline reporter, NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. Where’s my mute button….

Jay Bilas/Dick Vitale/Seth Davis – Just tattoo a Duke logo on your forehead and get it over with. We get it already….

Fakers:

Kansas – Great home team. Won last year. But no one is forgetting their streak of early round upsets especially since this team lost almost all of its main components from the Championship squad. They’re a year away.

Prediction: North Dakota St. wins. Gus Johnson strokes out.

Wake Forest – Talented team that just simply has not lived up to expectations after their #1 ranking in the middle of the season. Demon Deacs are just not up to it.

Prediction: Cleveland St. or Utah knocks them out.

Michigan State – Great coaching can make up for a lot of issues and Tom Izzo seems to have MSU competing every year for a Big 10 title. But this Spartans team can’t hang with anyone who can score more than 65 points. They just don’t have the shooters.

Prediction: Sent packing before the weekend is over.

Marquette – Dominique James couldn’t shoot for his life but for whatever reason, this team just cannot make up for his loss. They’ve been cold for a month and can’t recover.

Prediction: Utah State’s middle aged team (their best guy is 26 years old, due to school rules of 2 years doing church work) wears down Marquette and sends them home.

Tennessee - Bill Raftery on Wayne Chism’s long shorts-high socks look… “It looks like he’s wearing pajamas out there.” When your best player wears his head band on the crown of his head and your coach has a 365-day tan… you are making a quick exit.

Prediction: OK State by 10-20

Butler – No team has had more highly touted nonathletic white guys come through their doors than possibly save Gonzaga. I watched them lose to Cleveland St. and they don’t have the horses.

Prediction: UNC wins by 30 in 2nd round.

Syracuse - Coach? Check. Point guard? Check. Shooters? Check. But there’s a long list of teams that sell all the way out for the conference tournament and lay an egg in the NCAAs, and we’ll be adding this Syracuse team to the list. They were good enough to hang with the big boys in the Big East but every game seemed to fall apart at the end…

Prediction: Either James Harden (ASU) or Dionte Christmas (Temple) will send ‘Cuse home.

The Players:

Louisville – Seem to make up for their lack of shooters with a stifling press defense and lots of depth on the front line. They are a second-half team, and second-half teams that play great defense seem to win a lot of games (See Celtics, Cavs)

Prediction: Final Four

USC - Sometimes talented teams take a while to mesh, and if the Pac10 tournament is any indication, USC has just started to touch on their potential.

Prediction: Sweet 16+

Washington – Usually the Pac 10 is chock full of wimps who make early round exits but this Huskies team has quietly had its best team in years. They have 4 double-digits scorers (Thomas, Dentmon, Brockman, Pondexter), including their best scorer named Isaiah Thomas. Perhaps he too will become a Hall of Fame player then the worst GM ever.

Prediction: Elite 8 (after beating UConn in OT)

Memphis - A hot team with a fairly easy draw, Memphis will be making a Final Four appearance no matter how bad their conference is.

Prediction: Final Four

Pitt – Many people’s favorite to win, Pitt has played consistently well all year and has depth and talent. However, they simply cannot survive DeJuan Blair getting in foul trouble (see Louisville loss) and Jamie Dixon isn’t what I would call a “big game coach”.

Prediction: Elite 8

Portland State – My knowledge of this sleeper is due to degenerate gambling but they have a great shot at making a run. They can run, shoot lights out, and their best player is like 5′5″. Xavier usually saves its best for Dayton then sucks against other good teams.

Prediction: Sweet 16

VCU - Should come as no surprise, this team is well-coached, has good depth, and a killer prime time scorer in Eric Maynor. C-ya, UCLA.

Prediction: 101-98 loss to Nova.

Villanova – Out of all the big Big East names, this team is quietly hanging under the radar. But they have good scoring depth, two stars in Cunningham and Reynolds, and a coach that could fill in as Don Draper’s double on Mad Men.

Prediction: Final Four.

Duke – Great run in the ACC tournament but obvious front court weakness will eventually send the Dukies home and leave the Vitale/Bilas/Davis combination crying into their Van Heusen ties. Nova will be smart enough to guard the 3 point line and let the likes of Jason Zoubak beat them.

Prediction: Sweet 16

UNC – The deepest and most talented team in the field. A loss in the ACC tournament is going to make this team hungry and their hopes will ride on their floor general Ty Lawson’s foot. A full week of rest should do him wonders.

Prediction: Final Four

Gonzaga - Probably one of their best tournament teams in years. They are deep, talented, and Josh Heytvelt seems to be off the ’shrooms. They go down to UNC in a high-scoring affair.

Prediction: Elite 8

Arizona State – A great player can carry a team far in the NCAAs and the Sun Devil’s James Harden is as good as there is. If they can put the clamps on Dionte Christmas, the Sun Devils will be in the sweet 16.

Prediction: Sweet 16

Oklahoma - Interesting team with plenty of talent (Griffin brothers, Willie Warren) but they just seem to have lost some momentum after Blake’s concussion. Playing a streaky Clemson team in the 2nd round, they could be sent home very early. Having the best player in the country doesn’t always mean winning in the tourney (See: Kevin Durant).

Prediction: Sweet 16

Final Four: Memphis vs. Louisville and UNC vs. Villanova

Louisville’s defense is too much for freshman PG Tyreke Evans and they roll 65-58.

UNC keeps Nova in it with less than stellar D but Hansborough tends to get big men like Cunningham in foul trouble and UNC scores 50 in the 2nd half to win 87-83 in a nail-biter.

Championship: UNC vs. Louisville

Offense vs. Defense. Pitino vs. Williams. At the end of the day, there aren’t many teams I would trust to break the Louisville press more than Lawson and Company. Louisville keeps it close with some strong runs in both halves but can’t make enough shots down the stretch to keep up.

UNC wins 85-76

Good luck and as always, when your bracket falls apart, burn it in the fireplace.

– Charlie Hustle

Haynesworth Signs $100M Deal, Dark Days Loom For Bengals

Albert Haynesworth signed with the Washington Redskins today for a reported 7 years, $100 million which, with incentives, can be as high as $115 million. This marks the first time a non-quarterback has reached a contract worth over the $100 million mark.

No strange territory for the Redskins. They try to buy a championship every year by trading draft picks away and signing high-priced free agents. As always kids, the lesson is:

Stomp a man in the head without a helmet on in the middle of an NFL game and get rich bitch!

But dark days looming for Bengals you ask? Well the move by the Redskins adding such immense payroll clearly indicates a feeling amongst Dan Snyder & Co. that the current Collective Bargaining Agreement (aka salary cap) that expires after 2009 ,will go the way of the dinosaur.

If the CBA were to expire and no salary cap reinstated, billionaires like Snyder and Dallas’ Jerry Jones could turn the NFL into Yankees/RedSox 2.0. This is bad news for penny pinchers like Mike Brown who use their “Franchise Tag” for a kicker.

With the track record of the Bengals’ drafts looking more like inept baseball franchises like the Reds and Royals, not low-budget winners like the Rays and As, the Bengals could be in for another 20 years of losing.

As always, my condolences Carson.

– Charlie Hustle

Steroids And The Hall Of Fame: A Study In Wimps And Nerds

Steroid scandals are at a fever pitch. Headlines regarding Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens have been replaced with Alex Rodriguez, as the world turns…

However, with new steroid policies in place preventing current players from using Performance Enhancing Drugs, the focus is more on how to punish the players who used to use them.

The punishment? Withhold Hall of Fame inductions to steroid users.

The jury?

That’s right. Your local nonathletic wimp sports writers.

Turn on any morning edition of Mike & Mike and you’ll hear the venom spewing from “seam-heads” like Mike Greenberg and Buster Olney. These are the self-proclaimed Defenders of the Faith, guarding the walls of the Hall of Fame from cheaters and steroid abusers.

After all, these sports writers are the decision-makers when it comes to the Hall of Fame and nobody is getting in their club unless they say so.

To fully grasp this scenario, one must understand the sports writer in his most basic form concerning 3 important facts.

1. He has always and will continue to be terrible at sports.

Let’s face facts here folks. Do you honestly believe these fellows ever made a team they tried out for… ever?

These guys have never had an athletic bone in their body. Which would initially be a curse since their sole purpose was always a love of sports. So they had devise a way to be “part of the team.” They had to be included in the action. So they grabbed a pen and pad and headed to the press box – the sanctuary for mustaches, done-laps disease, and former gym coaches. Or any combination above.

2. He insists anyone who plays the game should appreciate “The History of the Game.”

Buster Olney and Tim Kurkjian are proud as peaches to announce every night on SportsCenter that the last time there was an unassisted triple play and somebody ate 10 ice cream cones in the dugout was in 1927 during a game between the Oakland Hitler Mustaches and the Philadelphia Bicycles With One Big Wheel and One Small Wheels.

The first compliment they always tell about Mike Tyson in his prime, or Lebron James, is that he studies the history of the game. And who teaches this history? Former jock strap washers like Mitch Albom.

vs. 

3. Everything must be fair.

This rule is by far the most prevalent. Sports writers are the kings of fair play. They are the dads that insist that their son is the next Ricky Henderson when he steals 2nd base in a rec league game where the catcher can’t even throw the ball from Home to 2nd in the first place.

In fact, there is no doubt that they could regale you with stories of their epic stab at shortstop against their rival newspaper’s softball team (I’ve been around sports writers my whole life, and trust me, I’ve heard too many of these to count.)

They love to criticize overprotective parents, but that’s exactly how they act when it comes to their first child, baseball.

Have a player who’s bigger and better than the rest of the kids and won’t let him play? Little League Pitcher Banned From Play Because He’s Too Good

Sure Kornheiser, make fun of these lames but have this kid pitch in the Little League World Series:  Ex-Little Leaguer – Danny Almonte – Plays In Altus

UNFAIR!

All-star teams that kids can’t all play in?

Laugh it up… oh those overreacting parents: Little League Cancels All-Star Game To Spare Children’s Feelings

Barry Bonds hit in the home run contest? NO CHANCE!

Obviously, these over-reacting parents and the sportswriters are from the same FAIRness gene pool.

Solutions you ask?

The solution seems to me to have people who actually PLAYED the game deciding who gets into the Hall of Fame.

Dan Shaugnessy and Bob Ryan deciding who should get in the HoF because they watch more games is like having your local couch potato stoner draw the next episode of Family Guy because he just capped off 8 seasons on DVD without blinking while on a bad acid trip.

Sure he may remember each episode, but he doesn’t know anymore on how to draw Peter and Stewie than Mike Greenberg does about swinging a bat.

If we take away their right to choose who gets in the HoF, perhaps baseball writers will be a little more reticent to reel off self-righteous speeches about how “they don’t want to take their son to the Hall of Fame and explain what steroids are.”

If that’s the case then it shouldn’t be much easier to explain why Babe Ruth only played against white players, or why Mickey Mantle played centerfield drunk on scotch with a pack of Lucky Strikes rolled up in his sleeve.

For my two cents, I’d rather explain to my son why his hero became strong and powerful instead of why he died of liver disease.

And as for Mike Greenberg and Tony Kornheiser taking their kids to the HoF, who doesn’t know the history of the game, who just struck out four times in little league, I can only imagine that trip to Cooperstown with those self-righteous wimps and nerds sounds a little like this…

Little Jimmy Greenberg: Dad my favorite player is Alex Rodriguez!

Mike Greenberg: OOOOOOOOHHH GOOOOOOOOOODD!?!?!?!?!?

— Charlie Hustle

Cat Fancy

 

After another typical Bengals loss (the kind where we have a chance to win but never do), a chipper Marvin Lewis entered the Bengals Press Room as calm as a serial killer explaining the voices in his head forced him to kill 50 hookers.

Lewis’ mysterious demeanor after the Bengals 0-3 is part-in-parcel to the fans’ frustrations with one of the worst franchises in the NFL. His vague answers reflect his “losing is ok” mentality and dictate to anyone listening that their loss was inevitable.

CAUTION: Marvin Lewis’ answers may cause confusion and high blood pressure

Q: Is it frustrating, with a veteran offense, when you have to call early timeouts?
ML: We had a problem with the (helmet) communicator. Carson couldn’t hear the play, and I’d rather not take the delay of game there. I guess they have frequency problems there in New York. It became an issue and happened early. The league was aware there was a problem, and it bit us in the butt early in the game. And so we had to get that resolved. There were a couple of plays early in the game where he couldn’t hear.

Charlie Hustle’s take: If anyone has watch Bob Bratkowski’s offense in the past few years, he has implemented a no-huddle offense where Carson calls the plays/check-downs at the line. Some of the Bengals’ most explosive offense has comes as a result of the no-huddle. Carson knows the playbook backwards and forwards.

If you fucking knew there may be a problem with the radio signals you either A) put in some sideline hand signals B) make a simple substitution with the entering player calling the play or C) just let Carson run the offense like he knows how to.

When you waste timeouts in the second half of close NFL games, you lose the ability to manage games.

Q: Your defense has only one sack through three games:
ML: We want it to be better. We need to get more pressure. We got a lot of pressure yesterday but weren’t able to get him on the ground.

CH: Last year’s favorite excuse, injuries, for the lack of pass rush has simply been replaced by an even more asanine reasoning – “uhhhh I wish we were better.” The NFL is a league of adjustments. To have 1 sack in the 3 games is a clear indication that there have been no adjustments made. And for the record, Keith Rivers, the savior of our defense who currently still ranks #2 in tackles among rookies, managed to record 0 tackles… clearly improving.

Q: The play with T.J. Houshmandzadeh on last regulation drive … he couldn’t get a first down, and then you couldn’t spike it because it was third and one … that was huge. But looking back, do you think you should have taken a shot in the end zone?
ML: Carson has to deliver the ball to the open part of the coverage. He’s not going to throw the ball in the end zone and risk an interception. I don’t know that there was no way. But the play call that he made, he put the ball in the right spot, and Antonio (Chatman) comes very close to making the guy miss and scoring. That’s all you can do. At that point, where you are on the field, your chances of getting five guys in the end zone, and, as you say, take that shot, are difficult to do without risking the sack and throwing you out of field goal range.

CH: You play to win on the road. This particular answer was given by Marvin after laughing as if it were ridiculous to throw it in the endzone. It’s almost as if that no team has ever scored a touchdown to win in the final minutes because the defense knew it was coming. This lack of ability to win was predictable and the clock management was atrocious. Nothing more to say about it.

And now my favorite part…. it’s time to play………….

CONFUSING MARVIN QUOTES!!!!

“The defense had a great start to the day and didn’t finish as well as they had started. “

“Yeah, we can’t give up a third-and-fourteen play like that.”

“The confidence comes from doing things right. Those are the things that you’re always telling somebody.”

“We did some good things in some areas, and there are some things we need to tighten. “

“You get on that bike, and if you pedal and stay on the mid-line, you won’t fall over. If you don’t pedal fast enough, you’ll fall over.”

 

Thanks again Marvin for the enlightenment. Good luck next season.

 

– Charlie Hustle

Bengals News And Notes

– Trade rumors surfaced last weekend involving Chad Johnson. The source remains anonymous. Resident Bengals scumbag Geoff Hobson wrote in his weekly e-mail bag that he believed the rumor could have been started by Johnson’s agent, Drew Rosenhaus.

The real culprit behind the rumors? The fat boy pictured above, Defensive Coordinator Chuck Bresnahan. Now I’m not Gil Grissom from CSI, but who would profit the most from Chad Johnson trade distractions? Why the worse defensive coordinator in the league! One’s imagination wouldn’t have to stray far to imagine Chuck making the phone call to Chris Mortensen with the same poise as the guy in Jurassic Park that got eaten by the T-Rex with his pants down on the toilet.

– Speaking of Geoff Hobson, columnist and probable World of Warcraft expert, his sentiments on the Bengals running game this past weekend were breathtaking…
“The return of the running game was as glorious as the sun cutting through the fog of a Smokies morning.”

Was he talking about football or a commercial for Johnsonville sausages? You be the judge. Danny Tanner just called and said that was cheesy.

– Speaking of sausages, Willie Anderson is out this week with a bad foot. Not only is Willie the president of numerous Fat Burger chains, but he’s also a client! Please contain your shock…

Needless to say this means more time for Scott “False Start” Kooistra. If there were a bet on how many times Troy Polamalu will run by Kooistra untouched this Sunday the over/under would be +/- 75. I hope Carson Palmer got in on the same $30 million dollar insurance policy that Tony Romo got for career-ending injuries.

– Lastly, if we lose this week to the Steelers I will no longer be cheering for the Bengals this season, but in fact cheering for them to lose every game from now on so they can draft DT Glenn Dorsey next summer. This isn’t something I want to do. But since management is simply incapable of signing free agents or developing non-drug addicted talent, this is the only hope for the Bengals to ever have a chance at winning anything. Ever.

Good luck and God bless,

Charlie Hustle

Please Curb Stomp Geoff Hobson

Resident Bengals apologist Geoff Hobson from Bengals.com fame, actual person seen above (don’t believe his photo appearing on the website), has finally pissed me off enough to write a column about his ridiculous proclamations about our beloved Bengals. I will break down previous articles at a later time so I’ll stick with the current one for now. George Strait and Kentucky bourbon prevent lots of research at this point.

Here’s the way Hobson works…. 

1) He confuses the reader. This is a portion of a reader’s e-mail this week….

“ With the lackluster defensive performance this past week, how long do you think that the leash on defensive coordinator Chuck Bresnahan is?”

Response? “If Lewis does it now, why didn’t he just do it in the offseason?”

- Answering a question with a question, very tricky Hobson. There’s no answer whatsoever in that question either. But it gets better…

Continuing… “In this game, it’s never one answer. It’s A, B, C, D, All Of The Above. But given the startling gap in its performance, the Defense Question isn’t multiple choice but a brain teaser. “

- Stephen f*cking Hawking couldn’t come up with the algorithim to make any sense of this. This guy actually gets paid for this job?

2) Hobson then will change the focus of the blame…

“Under Bresnahan, these are basically the same coaches and players that shut out Cleveland six games ago.”

- Yeah Geoff, we shut out the 4-12 Cleveland Clowns last year. Devastating.

Then Hobson gets really tricky….

“Under Bresnahan, these are basically the same coaches and players that held New Orleans’ explosive NFC Championship offense on the road to 16 points eight games ago.”

- True, Naw’lins had 16 points in this game. In the epic defensive performance by the Bengals they only gave up 510 PASSING YARDS! Only the four ridiculous turnovers perpetrated by the Saints prevented them from putting up 50 points. Not fooling me Hobson… get off the World of Warcraft ’cause you gotta bring it better than that….

3) Hobson performs an eye-gouge/crotch chop to Bengals fans by comparing mediocre Bengals players to All-Pro players on other teams….

Who Wants To Be A Commissioner?

“The Nasty Boys” would like to introduce the new running blog:

Who has the worst commissioner job?

We will consistently update the three commissioners’ problems and their recent scandals.

We would also encourage you to VOTE for the worst commish job in the COMMENTS SECTION.

The Candidates:

Bud Selig – Bud Selig, the former owner of the Milwaukee Brewers and idolizer of Home Run King Hank Aaron, has announced that he will be following the next games of Barry Bonds. He made the following statement…

“Out of respect for the tradition of this game, the magnitude of the record, and the fact that all citizens in this country are innocent until proven guilty, I will attend Barry Bonds’ next games to observe his potential tying and breaking of the home run record, subject to my commitments to the Hall of Fame this weekend.”

As Lewis Black said on The Daily Show, “HE’S USING CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS TO JUSTIFY HAVING TO WATCH A BASEBALL GAME!!!”

The heat on Bonds officially turned up a notch when the book, “Game of Shadows” came out, extensively describing Bonds’ and others’ steroid use through BALCO. Selig’s comment at the time of the book?…

“It was worse than I thought.”

With Federal indictments on hold due to Bonds’ trainer Greg Anderson refusing to testify and sitting in jail in contempt (and collecting checks from Bonds while in the clink), Selig’s only course was to hire former Senator George Mitchell to lead a weak investigation of players “volunteering” information.

So now Bud Selig has to fly to San Francisco and pretend to celebrate the most celebrated record in sports, held by his childhood hero, and about to be broken by a guy with a 9 3/4 inch head and shoes bigger than Shaq’s.

David Stern – After looking like someone had just run over his dog in his latest press conference, David Stern is embroiled in one of the NBA’s biggest scandals in its history.

Currently, Stern is the longest tenured and probably most powerful commissioner in American sports, serving as commissioner for the last 23 years. However, this didn’t stop Tim Donaghy from betting on games, apparently desperate for money after losing to “mobbed-up” sports bookies.

Stern commented, “I can tell you that this is the most serious situation and worst situation that I have ever experienced either as a fan of the NBA, a lawyer for the NBA or a commissioner of the NBA.”

Not only is the integrity of the NBA highly in doubt at this point, but Donaghy’s games can be re-watched and analyzed, questioned about whether the fix was in or not. Every questionable call from now on in any NBA game will now be heckled by fans, “HEY DONAGHY! HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE ON THIS ONE?!?!?”

The most damning evidence was that as late as 2005, Donaghy was being investigated for gambling. Stern claimed he couldn’t answer the obvious question as to why this wasn’t addressed sooner, saying that the FBI specifically asked him not to comment on the investigation….

Meanwhile, Stern is stuck having to answer questions on the very essence and integrity of his game.

Roger Goodell – After suspending Chris Henry and PacMan Jones under the new Player Behavior Policy, all seemed calm on the homefront for Roger Goodell. As Charles Barkley said,

“Pacman and Henry, man they is habitual fools!”

Now that Vick has been indicted on ‘Federal Dog Genocide’ charges, it would appear that the second coming of the OJ trial is on our hands. A few years earlier, Vick had signed the largest contract in NFL history, becoming the face for the league. Now, we’re a few more damning charges from a high-speed chase in a white Bronco, with Al Cowlings calling in to the police….

“This is A.C.! I got O.J., I mean Vick, in the car! (pause) This is A.C.! You know who this is, —damnit!”

Even Arthur Blank, noted Vick apologist, referred to him only as “the player” in his latest press conference, noting that the “player” was referenced 50 times in his indictment. 50 TIMES! Considering that 95% of Federal indictments are successful in their prosecution, it’s amazing that some people are still holding on to the “innocent until proven guilty” defense.

As Colin Cowherd noted something along these lines, “This is the NFL. Not a court. If a reasonable person can look at the evidence and decide that he is clearly guilty, then we as REASONABLE people don’t have to rely on courts that drag out for years and years.”

So now America’s most popular sport is in the news for one of its most popular players electrocuting and mass murdering dogs. Talk about ruining the momentum leading into NFL training camp. Worse yet, Goodell had to hire ex-FBI and ex-CIA agents to dig up some “indisputable facts” that would allow them to suspend Vick indefinitely without going through the courts.

WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION….

WHO HAS THE WORST JOB AS LEAGUE COMMISSIONER:

SELIG, STERN, OR GOODELL

PLEASE VOTE IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW!

–Charlie Hustle

The Michael Vick Saga Continues

Michael Vick is now scheduled to make his first court appearance on July 26th. The charges against Vick include “Conspiracy to Travel in Interstate Commerce in Aid of Unlawful Activities” and to “Sponsor a Dog in an Animal Fighting Venture.”

Indictment:

According to the indictment handed down by the U.S. District Court of Richmond, VA, the following people are being charged with the crime:

Purnell A. Peace a.k.a. “P-Funk”
Quanis L. Phillips a.k.a. “Q”
Tony Taylor a.k.a. “T” and….

Michael Vick a.k.a. “Ookie”

Included in the 18-page indictment handed down by the Federal Grand Jury are VERY specific allegations of the killing of the pit bulls including electrocution, hanging, drowning, and slamming a dog into the ground to death.

Here is an example from the indictment that can be found on TheSmokingGun.com…

“53. In or about March 2003, PEACE, after consulting VICK about the losing female pit bull’s condition, executed the losing dog by wetting the dog down with water and electrocuting the animal.”

As much as the sports media has been hesitant to convict Michael Vick before his trial, due to obvious oversights of “media conviction” during the Duke Lacrosse rape scandal, these allegations are so specific it’s hard for anyone to believe that Vick would not be convicted.

The fact that Vick has been indicted with 3 other individuals who clearly have less to lose than “Ookie” means that they most likely would seek plea deals that would implicate Vick even more.

According to Lester Munson, Chicago lawyer and contributor to ESPN.com, the Federal Court in Richmond is known as the “rocket docket” because it is the fastest Federal Court in the nation for getting cases started and moving them along. Munson believes the trial will commence within 4 to 6 months.

Also according to Munson, the Richmond Court is also known for its stringent application of the law. Apparently former UVA basketball star and Houston Rocket Ralph Sampson fell behind on his child support. Usually this is handled in a settlement, but the Richmond prosecutors charged and convicted him of felonies in the matter, and Sampson spent 2 months in jail just for missing child support.

If missing child support in Richmond gets you two months in jail, I can’t imagine what massacring and torturing pit bulls will get Ookie Vick.

Contract:

In December, 2004, Ookie Vick signed what was then the richest contract in the HISTORY of the NFL. The deal was a 10-year, $130-million contract with $37 million in bonuses.

However, according to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, if the Falcons were to release Michael Vick, the “impact, although still hefty, shrank as of June 1. The hit would be $6 million-plus for 2007 and about $15 million for 2008.

Unlike MLB, NBA, and NHL contracts, NFL contracts are not guaranteed. Most player contracts state that, “If player has engaged in personal conduct reasonably judged by Club to adversely affect or reflect on Club, then Club may terminate this contract.”

Although Ookie could be released, the salary cap ramifications for the Falcons would be “accelerated.” This means that whatever bonus money hasn’t been paid to Vick would need to be tacked onto the Falcons’ salary cap within 1-2 years. Even if Vick were suspended by the NFL, he would not be paid his salary but it would still count against the salary cap.

In late 2004 when Vick signed the contract, his release was not even in the question. As owner Arthur Blank put it, “It should be officially understood and known now that I work for Michael Vick.”

Public Opinion:

If this YouTube clip shows any indication of the public’s feelings on dog fighting, then Ookie Vick is in for a world of hurt.

P.S. The indictments are still pending on Chris Samuels under the U.S. Statute of “Laughing at Inappropriate Subjects.”

– Charlie Hustle

Bengals Fantasy Preview

Fantasy magazines have been on the newsstands for a few weeks and that only means one thing: Fantasy Football Season.

Men with button-up short-sleeve shirts and discount-rack ties everywhere anticipate every summer when they can slip their brand new fantasy football magazine into their cubicles and study up while they are supposed to be filling out T.P.S. Reports.

“The Nasty Boys” would now like to present the 2007-2008 Bengals Fantasy Preview: “Office Space” style….

QB: Carson Palmer a.k.a. “Peter-man”

2006 Stats: 324-520 (62.3%), 4035 yds, 28 TDs, 13 INT

Carson Palmer spent most of the 2006 fantasy season as one of the top-ranked fantasy quarterbacks in the league and is moving up faster than Peter up the corporate ladder. The trio of Ocho Cinco-Housh-Henry were plenty of weapons for Carson. Although Carson, and the Bengals, sorta “petered” out towards the end of the season, there’s no reason to be anything but high on Carson this year. He is being ranked in most magazines the #2 QB overall, right behind Peyton Manning. With 2 years in-between his knee injury and now, and plenty to prove on the field, Carson is poised for a breakout year. Call it a homer pick but Peyton lost some weapons and will have a target on his back after winning the Super Bowl.

2007 Projection: 67% completions, 4200 yds, 34 TDs, 12 INTs

Overall QB Rank: #1

Souls For Sale

A fraternity brother told me last year that he only remembered seeing his dad cry once. It was at Riverfront Stadium in 1995 where his family had season tickets for the Bengals. It was before the first game of the season and Bengals all-time great nose tackle, Tim Krumrie, had ridden onto the field on his motorcycle.

The former 10th round pick had served 12 years on the gridiron. He had also suffered one of the most gruesome injuries of all-time in the NFL, breaking his leg trying to tackle Roger Craig of the 49ers in Super Bowl XXIII. Nose tackle could be considered the least sexy job on the football field. A 12-year career in the trenches would be like 30 years for a Wide Receiver.

So on that day Tim Krumrie rode off into the sunset on his motorcycle, a hero to all Bengals fans. A hero that dads would tell their sons about for future generations. Which begs the question:

Was it worth selling our souls for an 8-8 team plagued by crooks and criminals?

The fact of the matter is that few Bengals fans seem to care. I’m sure it’s hard for middle-aged white men to really relate to Chris Henry and other black Bengals who grew up in poverty. So when they hear of another player arrested, they just write them off as criminals who can’t follow the law despite millions of dollars in the bank.

However, when Sundays roll around, every white middle-aged male that calls in to talk radio and denegrates these players as thugs – is still crossing his fingers that Chris Henry, or whoever will make the lineup, will perform. After all, he is talented and he does score touchdowns – guns and pot be damned.

During the days of Tim Krumrie, a father could take his son to Riverfront and be proud that his son’s hero was playing on the gridiron that day. Should father’s now be purchasing t-shirts with mugshots on the front for their sons? What should they say when young Tommy asks, “Daddy, why isn’t Odell on the field? Did he fail another urine test?”

What is this sacrifice worth that Bengals fans have made? Is this 8-8 lemon worth the squeeze?

For example… the next time you watch Around the Horn or PTI and see that a “Bengals” topic is coming up, will you not be disappointed when its about jail time and not playing time? If we are having to endure a team that has such low-character losers on it, shouldn’t we be better than .500?

For my money, give me Tim Krumries riding off in motorcycles and dads crying with their sons. I’d rather be 3-13 and love my team all week, than sell my soul for an 8-8 team and hate them every day but Sunday.

– Charlie Hustle

How To Fix The Reds

  

Step 1: Convince George Steinbrenner to purchase team….

 Just kidding.

 After the firing of Jerry Narron (thank God it’s not too late, since we’re only 16 1/2 games out of the division) the fans finally have something to talk about. A new manager means that somebody can officially be “blamed” for the worst record in baseball.

My main thought on Jerry Narron or any manager for that matter, is that unless your team has the least talent – you shouldn’t be in last place. The Reds certainly don’t have the least talent in MLB, despite the worst record, or else I wouldn’t bother writing this column.

So here’s how to fix the Reds…

GET THE MOST OUT OF DISPOSABLE PARTS:

- Unless your name is Ken Griffey Junior, if you are 35+ years old, you don’t need to be playing significant innings for this club. So…

Trade David Weathers – He’s our only real bargaining chip in the bullpen, and a lot of contenders will need help down the stretch. It might sound weird trading our best bullpen pitcher, but he’s working on 38 years old. How many old arms do we need to see fall apart before we realize we should get younger?

Trade (if possible) Scott Hatteberg – I’m sure some team out there needs a left handed bat to come off the bench. But realistically, is there another team in the majors that would run a platoon at 1B where Hatteberg is providing the power at 7 HRs (compared to Conine’s 4), while even our fucking Shortstop has 13 HRs

Trade Adam Dunn – It’s undeniable this guy would be a perfect DH for some American League team. But we’re not in the American League. We lead the league in home runs and we have the worst record. So who gives a fuck if a few less fans get souvenirs. He has value now and it’s declining everyday that we still have this guy.

RELEASE THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE:

Mike Stanton
Eddie Guardado
Jeff Conine
David Ross

Give Fat Eddie and Chubbs Stanton their Golden Buckeye cards and their pink slips. Oh yeah, and sorry Dave, you gotta hit above .200 to make my lineup cocksucker.

CALL UP THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE:

P Bobby Livingston (1-0, 3.00 ERA in THE FUCKING MAJORS THIS YEAR… WHY IS HE IN LOUISVILLE WHAT THE FUCK!!!)
P Phil Dumatrait (8-5, 3.63 ERA)
1B Joey Votto (.314 AVG, 10 HR, 46 RBIs)

ENFORCE A WEIGHT LIMIT SYSTEM:

Fat Eddie aside, we shouldn’t have people like Adam Dunn and Todd Coffey showing up to Spring Training at 260+ lbs. That’s not a fucking professional attitude whatsoever.

How do we expect the Dunner to snag fly balls when he can hardly bend over to tie his shoelaces without falling over?

KEEP THE SAME LINEUP:

Excluding rosters moves, here’s how the lineup should look:

Freel (Should be back soon)
Phillips
Griffey
Hamilton
Dunn (or Hamilton)
Hatteberg
AGonzalez
Valentin
Pitcher….

It’s not that hard. Keep it the fucking same. You’ll be amazed how much more consistent hitters are when they encounter many of the same situations/runners on base from game-to-game. 

SPEND MONEY:

Realistically, the Reds will never make the playoffs with their current roster. But we’re not THAT far away, 1 or 2 free agent signings can be the difference. Here’s a list of some of the 2008 free agents (age in parentheses):

1. John Smoltz (41)
2. Carlos Zambrano (27)
3. Joe Nathan (33)
4. Mariano Rivera (38)
5. Jorge Posada (36)
6. Curt Schilling (41)
7. Bobby Abreu (34)
8. Ichiro Suzuki (34)
9. Andruw Jones (31)
10. Carlos Guillen (32)
11. Jeff Kent (40)
12. Mike Lowell (34)
13. Jason Jennings (29)
14. Jake Westbrook (30)
15. Ivan Rodriguez (36)
16. Freddy Garcia (32)
17. Kenny Rogers (43)
18. Torii Hunter (32)
19. Jason Isringhausen (35)
20. Omar Vizquel (41)
21. Marcus Giles (30)
22. Eric Byrnes (32)
23. Paul Lo Duca (36)
24. Bob Wickman (39)
25. Corey Patterson (28)
26. Adam Dunn (28)
27. Scott Linebrink (31)
28. Michael Barrett (31)
29. Milton Bradley (30)
30. Jon Lieber (38)
31. David Eckstein (33)
32. Aaron Rowand (30)
33. Juan Uribe (29)
34. Bartolo Colon (35)

 … 23 of these guys are 35 years old or less.

Speaking of free agents… This list is provided by MLBTradeRumors.com and has Adam Dunn ranked 26th for next year, even lower than 400+ lb. reliever Bob Wickman. The longer we hold on to him, the less value he has. So shit or get off the pot Krivsky.

INVEST IN MORE RESTAURANTS/BUSINESS BY GABP:

There’s a reason why the Cubs sell out almost every game, even though they usually suck. Most people go to Wrigley to drink. And they also go to the apartments above Waveland Ave. to drink and watch the game. The bar/restaurant life is so abundant, it doesn’t matter whether they win or lose – people want to be there.

Meanwhile, I don’t want to walk two blocks in the wrong direction away from Great American or I’m afraid I’ll be fleeced by some vagrant just out on parole.

Unless we’re all willing to just give up the city of Cincinnati to fucking bums and murderers like its Escape From New York, which personally I’m not, how about we build a fan-friendly bar district close to the stadium. It could double as a hang out for Bengals games (since they consistently sell out now) for fans wanting to tailgate.

If we could have more Reds fans at the games, then I would imagine that would translate into more revenue for free agents? You just have to give fans a reason to go, and it’s not to drop bums change into cups.

And while we’re at it, Castellini should hire women models to be “seat fillers” at games and talk up a bunch of the drunks. They could show them on the Reds TV broadcast coming back from commercials. As a man, if you see hot women over and over at the games, are you telling me that you wouldn’t be inclined to attend a few more? It sure as hell works for Hooters.

This would also keep Marty Brenneman distracted, as I believe he’s one more Dunn error away from FedEx’ing a turd sandwich to the stadium marked ATTN: WAYNE KRIVSKY…

And lastly…

FOCUS ON SPEED AND DEFENSE:

This is the most important aspect to me, and one I hope the new interim manager focuses on.

I was watching a sports report on the former great Ozzie Smith. He was talking about when he got traded from the Padres to the Cardinals, they were complaining about his bat (or lack thereof). Ozzie responded by saying the following…

“What difference does it make whether I drive in 100 runs, or stop 100 runs from coming in?”

This is so true. It’s so fucking unacceptable to me to have our Left Fielder consistently botch plays in the outfield. Why isn’t our Shortstop being benched after making error after error on easy plays when he can clearly make the few hard ones? And don’t get me started on Edwin “Don’t call me Error” Encarnacion.

Here’s a few stats for you…

–The Reds have played 39 games this year decided by 2 runs or less.

–The Reds record in those games is 13-26.

–”Late innings” is 7th inning on. I am including extra innings and factoring in the couple of times we did not bat in the 9th.

–In 18 of those 39 games, the Reds failed to score any runs in the late innings.

–In only 11 of those 39 games did the Reds score more than one run in the late innings.

–In those 39 games, the Reds have played (offense) in 131 innings. They have a TOTAL of 35 runs in those innings.

–This is an average of .27 runs per game over the late innings.

All we needed was a few manufactured runs or a few runs taken away. Speed on the basepaths and defense on the field could be the difference between 5-10 games back of the division and 16-20, which is where we are headed. 

The Reds aren’t really that far off if we emphasize the right areas: give the youthful players a chance, run every ground ball out, make the plays in the field, etc. and we’re right there. In fact, I predict the Reds have a +.500 record for the second half of the season.

We may not end up within 10 games of the division. But hell, at least I’ll have something to talk about.

— Charlie Hustle