Da Bears Bite Da Dust

I find it difficult to listen to AM670 The Score after a Bears game.  I don’t know why I tune my radio in, but I do and it drives me friggin crazy.  Sunday was no exception.

I’m sitting at a buddy’s house watching the Bears jump out to a quick  10-0 lead against the already eliminated Texans.  We have the computer tuned into the Viqueens and Oakland games to find out that the Giants played their starters and are involved in a close game against the ‘Queens and Oakland jumped out to an early lead against Tampa Bay.  All seems to be going as planned in Chicago.

Then the disaster which is the Bears strikes deep into the hearts of Chicago fans.  A swiss cheese defensive secondary, an inadequate defensive line, a fumbled kickoff return, and a quarterback who can’t throw the ball accurately downfield to a receiving corp among the worst in professional football.  This all leads to the mediocre Texans crushing the Bears in a game which looks close in the score column, but wasn’t at all close.

Where can I begin?

First of all, there is no difference between Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton.  They both suck, plain and simple.  Orton turns the ball over less, so his pathetic quarterback play often gets overlooked.  He isn’t “improving week by week” as some analysits like to claim.  He has reached his pinnacle and it is pathetic.

Next, it doesn’t much matter who we have throwing the ball because our receivers all suck.  Hester is not a number one type of receiver.  He is more like a Santonio Holmes type of speed receiver who can get downfield, run a few reverses, and make a big play happen.  The Bears need a guy like Hines Ward (sticking with the Pittsburgh analogy) to pick up first downs.

Now on to the defense.  The defense is the most pathetic aspect of the Bears team.  While they aren’t necessarily as bad as the offense, they have much more talent so more is expected.  Their secondary sucks.  Their defensive line gets no pressure.  Their linebackers (Brian Urlacher in particular) are playing nowhere near what they are getting paid.  They lead the league in take-a-ways, but that is because they only go for the strip so they also lead the league in failed tackles and yards given up after initial contact.   The Bears defense makes every quarterback look like a fucking Hall of Famer for Christ’s sake.  The total combined numbers for quarterbacks in the Bears final 6 loses have been:

156/229      1762 total yards      10 touchdowns

…The Bears defense combined for 3 total sacks in these 6 loses.

Finally, the coaching staff is terrible.  The Bears are one of the most unimaginative teams in football.  There is a quote that goes “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.”  This sums up what my thoughts are of the Bears coaching motto.  They do the same boring crap over and over again on offense.  Their defense doesn’t blitz or get any pressure on the quarterback.  Their are never any defensive line stunts.  The offense hardly ever runs outside the hashmarks.  There are never any trick plays.  They never throw the ball to wide receivers, only tight ends and running backs.  The coaching staff has turned the Bears into the most uninspired, boring, most predictable teams in the NFL.

To top it all off, the Eagles ended up winning so all the Bears had to do was win their game.  The two underdog teams (Philly and Oakland) pulled out victories (Oakland didn’t even have anything to play for), and the Bears laid a fucking egg.

Word of the week:  Disappointing

Bear Down Bitches

(Insert Kyle Orton looking stupid picture.)

^The Bears QB Future

With the Cubs on their usual end of the year slide, Chicago has turned their eyes to another winning team, the Chicago Bears?!?! For all those who missed Sunday Night Football, the Bears ran rashaad over the Colts with an impressive win. Lead by Rookie RB Matt Forte and a defense that was able to keep one of the best offensive teams in the league to under 14 points, the Bears appear to be a formidable team this year.

The Bears were able to score on offense and defense, and while the special teams appeared to be somewhat shaky (with a questionable play by Hester trying to run out of the endzone), the direction is up for this Bears team that had relatively low hopes for this season. It’s time for Chicago to Bear Down for another long winter and another football season.

P.S. For all those wondering, I am returning to my fantasy football league this year as Champion, and defeated my brother-in-law Week 1 in dominating fashion. I only expect more of the same from the coming weeks.

ESPY Awards Review

There are very few things which piss me off more than the ESPY awards. This is probably due to the fact that if you have seen 1 ESPY award show then you have seen them all. Let’s review what happened last night (which also happens at every other ESPY show).

1. When giving out the ESPY for Best Female Athlete, the group always has to include some random sport which is either in the Olympics or not in the mainstream (as if any female sport is “mainstream”). This year they decided to nominate a skier, but ultimately the basketball chick won.

2. Will Ferrell has to promote his movie whether or not it has anything to do with sports.

3. There will always be some athlete who is dressed in a $20,000 suit who wins an award and then has to go on a “I thank my Lord Jesus Christ who makes all things possible.” This year it was David Tyree from the Giants who even had the audacity to talk about “bringing about the Kingdom of God.” Dude. You play football. Get over yourself.

4. Toward the end of the show, which probably pisses me off more than any other aspect, is the Jimmy Valvano Award. Each year they go through the whole same story about how great Jimmy V. was (and he was great), and how someone who is a comeback story for everyone. It isn’t necessarily the award which pisses me off more than the douche bags who they show after the award. It is always men and women who are borderline in tears or are in fact weeping like assholes. This year the cake topper was when some woman (it might have been Fergie, but I’ll have to check the tape again) said “wow” as if somehow Kevin Everett’s story was the most touching thing which she has ever witnessed. I have utmost respect for Kevin Everett and his comeback, but come on… seriously?? Wow? It is just a bunch of losers with too much money who go over the top to try and show people they have emotion when in fact, most of them don’t.

5. Similar to number 1, they always try to promote sports which frankly no one gives a shit about (soccer, BMX, lacrosse, hockey, NBA). Then they have to pick the greatest current or former player in said sport to come and try to explain to people why their sport is great even though no one gives a shit. Afterwards everyone feels that said sport is indeed the greatest until next year when some new sport will give the people some fad to buy into. Who knows what crappy sport will be put on the pedestal next year.

The bottom line is that the ESPY awards suck. The worst part is that they try to pawn it off on us the fans: “The winner that the fans voted for is….” AAANNNDDD no one cares. All that I want to see from the ESPYs is hot female athletes dressed in slutty little dresses.

Baller’s Official SEC Preview: Kentucky Edition

Editor’s Note: Discuss this article NOW over at ACC vs. SEC! – Baller’s AVS Official 2008 SEC Preview: Kentucky Edition

2007 Record- 8-5 (3-5)
Returning Starters- 15 (5-Offense, 8-Defense, K, P)

Players To Watch Out For: Dicky Lyons, Tony Dixon

Key Losses: Andre Woodson, Rafael Little, Keenan Burton, Steve Johnson, Wesley Woodyard

2008 Strengths: Run game on offense should be OK with a veteran OL returning and many decent RBs. Also, the defense should finally be respectable this year after being a joke the past few years.

2008 Weaknesses: QBs have no experience, WRs have no experience. Offensively, its going to be a rough year.

2008 Overview: If Coach Brooks can find a decent QB to replace Woodson, the Cats can have another good year to build upon. But if not, don’t be shocked to see the Cats having just 4 wins again.

People Can’t Count

I’m sick of people saying that it has been a century of losing for the Chicago Cubs. Every single sports writer and/or blogger and/or sports fan has talked about the Cubs and referred to it as 100 years of losing. Since the Cubs last won the World Series in 1908, starting there I shall count the years in which the Cubs have lost since then.

09,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,

43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51,52,53,54,55,56,57,58,59,60,61,62,63,64,65,66,67,68,69,70,71,72,73,74,75,76,

77,78,79,80,81,82,83,84,85,86,87,88,89,90,91,92,93,94,95,96,97,98,99,00,01,02,03,04,05,06,07.

I only count 99 numbers there… So it has apparently only been 99 seasons of losing and not 100. Even if you claim that “they haven’t won since 1908,” you would have to count ‘08 and you still can’t consider it 100 years until October 10, 2008. You wouldn’t consider the Red Sox as not having won in a year because they are reigning champions. Considering that logic, it only makes sense that the Cubs have this year and next year to win the World Series before it genuinely becomes 100 seasons of losing. At worst they have until the end of this year.

Since they are going to finally win this year, it apparently is a moot point.

Benson Needs A Lesson

Cedric Benson needs to take a lesson from Lance Briggs about how to avoid getting a DUI. 

In all seriousness, it is time for the Chicago Bears and Cedric Benson to say arrivederci.  In only 2 months now, Benson has been arrested for boating while intoxicated (who knew that was a crime), and driving while intoxicated.  While he didn’t need to be pepper sprayed in this incident, he was thrown into jail and is currently out after visiting Chico’s Bail Bonds.  Benson has denied all charges, much like everyone else in his situation would do (He doesn’t look drunk in the picture above, does he?).  Here is a letter which I am sending Cedric:

Dear Mr. Benson,

You avoid the law like you avoid the opposing defense.  Which might be why you can’t seem to get any yards.  Have fun in prison and say hi to Tank Johnson for me.

Your’s Truly,

Bob

P.S.  You suck.

My Cubs Are Better Than (Insert Your Team Here)

That’s right folks, my Cubs are on a 7 game win streak (As of noon on Monday, June 2.) and currently sport the best record in Major League Baseball. The last time the Cubs had the best record at the start of June was in 1908, and we all remember what happened that year… The Cubbies won the World Series. Now I’m not predicting a World Series Championship… wait a minute, yes I am. THE CUBS WILL WIN THE WORLD SERIES!!!

P.S. The Cardinals still suck.

P.S.S. Apparently porn stars love the Cubs.

What Happens In Atlantic City…

Doesn’t stay in Atlantic City.

A few weeks ago I had the privilege of playing in the Ron Jaworski Clebrity Poker Tournament at Harrah’s in Atlantic City. I showed up a few minutes late and was shown to my seat. I looked to my right and was blinded by this large Superbowl ring. I looked up and saw my hero: Iron Mike Ditka. That’s right, I got to play cards and have a conversation with Da Coach.

Later on in the night I had the opportunity to knock out former Bengal and Eagle line backer Bill Bergey. I would now like to go on record by saying that Bill Bergey is one of the nicest people I ever met in my life. I got to meet his wife and talk to his son on the phone, it was truely one of the best moments I’ve had in a long time.

If sitting next to Mike Ditka, beating Bill Bergey, and getting all these football pro’s autographs weren’t enough, I ended up coming in 9th place out of 200+ and making some pretty nice bank. So, feel free to let me know if anyone wants to lose money in poker to me… or go to Atlantic City… maybe we can meet some football players. :)

It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Spring is such a great season. Baseball starts, hockey and NBA go away, warm temperatures come, and ESPN starts to show college softball. Now, I’m not here to promote women playing sports of any kind, but I am here to promote hot chicks on TV. It is my contention that chicks who play softball are smokin’ hot, specially the ones from Arizona. I shall now give you the visual evidence.

Jenny Finch- played for Arizona

Taryne Mowatt- played for Arizona

For more information feel free to visit the University of Arizona Women’s Softball webpage.

Arizona Wildcats Softball

Cubs Go For 10,000

The Cubs are going for their 10,000 win today (Wednesday, April 23) against the Colorado Rockies. It is nice to talk about such a historic franchise and NOT talk about a record having to do with losing. There is only 1 other team to reach this historic mark, the New York/San Fran Giants. This begs the question: “How can a team that hasn’t won a championship in 100 years and hasn’t even seen the World Series since the ’40s possibly have more wins than a team like the Yankees who have 25 championships?”

The answer is that I have no idea, but it is pretty amazing.

Sooooo… I’m A Dick

  

Question: What do Jeff Bagwell, Adam Morrison, and Jason Isringhausen have in common?

Answer: They have all responded to my heckling with either obscenities or immaturity.

Let me first say that I pride myself on dogging the opposing team in an attempt to help the team I’m rooting for win. With the exception of Caesar Izturis and Ryan Dumpster last year, I tend not to heckler any sports team from Chicago except for the White Sox. In my heckling I try to keep it clean from curse words but get as personal as possible.

Now I shall set the mood. I’m sitting a few rows back on the first base side at Wrigley Field. Jeff Bagwell was the first baseman for the Astros, and wouldn’t toss the game ball to the kids sitting in the stands. This annoyed me for some reason so I started out simply questioning. “Hey Bagwell, why don’t you throw the kids the ball?” Since he wasn’t responding or throwing the kids the ball I figured what the hell, I’ll answer my own question. “Hey Bagwell, What? You need the balls? How bout you send your wife over so she can experience a real man for once.” After that, whenever he would enter or leave the dugout, myself and some of the fans around me would call him “Ball-less Bagwell.” We also referenced his ridiculous batting stance implying that he likes to spread open his rear end for men. He proceeded to give me the finger and eventually hit a home run and pointed at me. Mission somewhat accomplished, but desired effect (him playing poorly) unattained.

A few years after this, my friend got 3rd row Bulls tickets and took me to the game because he wanted to see me in action and didn’t mind getting thrown out of the game. The Bulls played the Charlotte Bobcats, so the scorn was directed at Adam Morrison. I decided against starting it off gentle and attacked full force. I called him a cry baby because of what he did during the final four, I commented on his “dirty sanchez” facial hair and asked if his boyfriend gave him it, I let everything fly. During the half time shoot around he started coming in my direction and another team mate had to hold him back. He sat the entire third quarter (I like to claim it was because his coach saw what happened with me). We had called my friend’s dad at this point and told him to watch because of what transpired between Morrison and I. While his team was shooting free throws, Morrison is on tv making “fat” hand gestures at me and yelling at me. I swear to God, get a video of the first Bulls v. Bobcats game in 2006 and you will see for yourself. The mission this time was accomplished as Adam Morrison went 1-12 shooting and the Bulls won by about 40 points.

Finally, last year I was sitting in the bleachers at Wrigley a few rows back with my brother in-law. We had been drinking and it was a warm summer day when the Cubs were playing the rival Cardinals. This time the object of my scorn was anyone and everyone. The person who responded was Jason Isringhausen. I mentioned about how he blows more saves then his wife blows other men, and things similar to that nature. Isringhausen went nuts. He started yelling at me. eventually calling me a “fat faggot.” Hundreds of people are witnesses to this bigoted language. At this point the Manager, Tony LaRussa, ran out of the dugout and sent Isringhausen to the other side of the field to move him away from me. Mission once again accomplished as the Cubbies went on to win the game.

The reason I’m telling you these stories? This Saturday I possess 2 tickets to the Phillies v. Cubs game here in the grotesque city of brotherly hatred. These tickets are row 1 directly behind left fielder Pat Burrell. I hope to have a story about what transpires from the game on Sunday or Monday. If anyone has any knowledge of something Burrell has done, please post it as a comment so I can make sure he hears about it Saturday evening as my Cubbies beat up on the Phils. I leave you with a Bud Light commercial which they wrote about me (not really but it damn well could have been).