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Steroids And The Hall Of Fame: A Study In Wimps And Nerds

Posted by Charlie Hustle on February 26, 2009

Steroid scandals are at a fever pitch. Headlines regarding Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens have been replaced with Alex Rodriguez, as the world turns

However, with new steroid policies in place preventing current players from using Performance Enhancing Drugs, the focus is more on how to punish the players who used to use them.

The punishment? Withhold Hall of Fame inductions to steroid users.

The jury?

ray-ratto

That’s right. Your local nonathletic wimp sports writers.

Turn on any morning edition of Mike & Mike and you’ll hear the venom spewing from “seam-heads” like Mike Greenberg and Buster Olney. These are the self-proclaimed Defenders of the Faith, guarding the walls of the Hall of Fame from cheaters and steroid abusers.

After all, these sports writers are the decision-makers when it comes to the Hall of Fame and nobody is getting in their club unless they say so.

To fully grasp this scenario, one must understand the sports writer in his most basic form concerning 3 important facts.

1. He has always and will continue to be terrible at sports.

mitch_albom_1167163953122674 kornheiser dan_shaughnessy

Let’s face facts here folks. Do you honestly believe these fellows ever made a team they tried out for… ever?

These guys have never had an athletic bone in their body. Which would initially be a curse since their sole purpose was always a love of sports. So they had devise a way to be “part of the team.” They had to be included in the action. So they grabbed a pen and pad and headed to the press box – the sanctuary for mustaches, done-laps disease, and former gym coaches. Or any combination above.

2. He insists anyone who plays the game should appreciate “The History of the Game.”

Buster Olney and Tim Kurkjian are proud as peaches to announce every night on SportsCenter that the last time there was an unassisted triple play and somebody ate 10 ice cream cones in the dugout was in 1927 during a game between the Oakland Hitler Mustaches and the Philadelphia Bicycles With One Big Wheel and One Small Wheels.

The first compliment they always tell about Mike Tyson in his prime, or Lebron James, is that he studies the history of the game. And who teaches this history? Former jock strap washers like Mitch Albom.

moustache vs.  old-bicycle-t10100

3. Everything must be fair.

This rule is by far the most prevalent. Sports writers are the kings of fair play. They are the dads that insist that their son is the next Ricky Henderson when he steals 2nd base in a rec league game where the catcher can’t even throw the ball from Home to 2nd in the first place.

In fact, there is no doubt that they could regale you with stories of their epic stab at shortstop against their rival newspaper’s softball team (I’ve been around sports writers my whole life, and trust me, I’ve heard too many of these to count.)

softball-dude

They love to criticize overprotective parents, but that’s exactly how they act when it comes to their first child, baseball.

Have a player who’s bigger and better than the rest of the kids and won’t let him play? Little League Pitcher Banned From Play Because He’s Too Good

Sure Kornheiser, make fun of these lames but have this kid pitch in the Little League World Series:  Ex-Little Leaguer – Danny Almonte – Plays In Altus

UNFAIR!

All-star teams that kids can’t all play in?

Laugh it up… oh those overreacting parents: Little League Cancels All-Star Game To Spare Children’s Feelings

Barry Bonds hit in the home run contest? NO CHANCE!

Obviously, these over-reacting parents and the sportswriters are from the same FAIRness gene pool.

Solutions you ask?

The solution seems to me to have people who actually PLAYED the game deciding who gets into the Hall of Fame.

Dan Shaugnessy and Bob Ryan deciding who should get in the HoF because they watch more games is like having your local couch potato stoner draw the next episode of Family Guy because he just capped off 8 seasons on DVD without blinking while on a bad acid trip.

stoner

Sure he may remember each episode, but he doesn’t know anymore on how to draw Peter and Stewie than Mike Greenberg does about swinging a bat.

If we take away their right to choose who gets in the HoF, perhaps baseball writers will be a little more reticent to reel off self-righteous speeches about how “they don’t want to take their son to the Hall of Fame and explain what steroids are.”

If that’s the case then it shouldn’t be much easier to explain why Babe Ruth only played against white players, or why Mickey Mantle played centerfield drunk on scotch with a pack of Lucky Strikes rolled up in his sleeve.

For my two cents, I’d rather explain to my son why his hero became strong and powerful instead of why he died of liver disease.

And as for Mike Greenberg and Tony Kornheiser taking their kids to the HoF, who doesn’t know the history of the game, who just struck out four times in little league, I can only imagine that trip to Cooperstown with those self-righteous wimps and nerds sounds a little like this…

Little Jimmy Greenberg: Dad my favorite player is Alex Rodriguez!

Mike Greenberg: OOOOOOOOHHH GOOOOOOOOOODD!?!?!?!?!?

— Charlie Hustle

3 Responses to “Steroids And The Hall Of Fame: A Study In Wimps And Nerds”

  1. I firmly believe that steroids has tainted the national pastime, but as I’ve always said, it’s the Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Morals. Ty Cobb was a blatant racist that everyone hated, Rogers Hornsby was an asshole, Enos Slaughter allegedely spiked Jackie Robinson in 1947, and both Duke Snider and Willie Mays were caught cheating on their taxes. However, the writers who voted them in are not the same voters who are voting now so it’s hard to say who will and who won’t get into the HOF.

  2. ZRO said

    Great job. classic, classic stuff

  3. just2cocky said

    The solution to the steroids/HOF problem is a simple one. You find out exactly when a player started and stopped using steroids. Since all of these cases have legal ramifications, this can likely be revealed in a court of law.

    And then……you erase all of those stats from existence. They never happened. And you vote on the HOF based on the REMAINING stats. If the player is still good enough to get in, then fine. If not, then not, but at least it will be based on the player’s merits APART FROM performance enhancement. For instance, in A-Rod’s case…..2001, 2002 and 2003 never happened. It’s as if he took a 3-year hiatus (ironically, there were players that served in WW2 that had to take an extended absence, and some of their candidacies may have been affected). I’d bet you that apart from those 3 years, A-Rod still hits 500 HRs though, and there is not a single case where an eligible 500 HR guy is NOT in the HOF.

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