A Ransom Note

Hello, I have something that may be of interest to you. I know Matt will be interested. People have been looking for this for the last 9 weeks, and it was harder to find than the list of women Rex Grossman hasn’t banged. It’s called the Bengals’ season, and I have it in my custody. I hadn’t bought in to the hype, that the complete reversion to the Bungles days were back.

After Palmer went down, things looked downright dreadful and there were echos of the Yuccaneers’ winless season. I saw the 31st overall ranked offense and said,”they are bound to get better any week, they have the tools, they just aren’t putting it together”. But they didn’t and I finally bet on Cincinnati to suck against the Jaguars D.

Then I saw something strange happen on Saturday. Ryan “Fighting Crimson (no really!)” Fitzpatrick did a couple very convincing Mike Vick impersonations and was slinging it all over the field while still averaging less than 10 yards a pass. Chad Ocho Cinco started looking like Chad Johnson, and unsurprisingly started acting like him. They even tried to give the game away at the end, which saved my defensive points this week, yet still couldn’t lose the game. So what sort of bargaining chip do I have in order for this ransom note to be effective?

My fantasy team.

Why does any of this make sense? Because I’m like Neo. For fantasy football. But the other way. I suck at it, really bad, to the point where I have not finished above second to last place for the last two seasons. But mysteriously, as soon as I bank on the orange-and-blacks to suck, they go nuts. So my demands are simple: either Bengals fans pay me and I add defenses that are playing them, saving your season. Or I don’t play the opposing defense and you return to nauseatingly bad.

Maybe some of you will say “Gee, Zach, winning would be nice, but we want the #1 pick. We don’t want to win anymore”.

Bullshit.

I saw how you people got when they had one good year. You got worse than Massholes, when I heard an accent developing every time I listened to some over-privileged white kid bark, “Aye wuz heah since the fahkin staht. We ah the best fans evah!”.

So don’t give me that. You know you want this action, if only to make up for the arrests, suspensions, injuries, internal distractions, morally crushing injuries, and the cuts of two of the people that made up that 2005 team because they didn’t want to pay them out.

If you want to have some dignity, transfer eleventy billion dollars to:

Somefake Bank

Account #: 1234567

I await your reply.

Election Day Redux: If I Were President

Ed.’s Note: This piece first ran two days after the Super Bowl on “Super Tuesday” in February at the start of the Presidential campaigns.  Enjoy (hopefully) on this Election Day…

All of this Super Tuesday talk has really gotten me in the mood to talk politics.  Wait, who am I kidding?  I could careless about politics unless Boomer Esiason is running for the Oval Office; however, I do know what I would do if I were ever elected to office.

If I’m President…

• The Monday after the Super Bowl will be a National holiday. – How many of you took any time off of work this past Monday?  1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…11…12…wow, OK, let’s try this again.  How many of you WENT to work on Monday?  1…2…….5.  A total of five.  The five who went to work on Monday does not include yours truly.

• The White House will be repainted Kentucky blue and renamed accordingly. – GO BIG BLUE!

• The phrase “Play ball!” will be recited by everyone in the Chamber prior to the State of the Union Address. - Self explanatory.

• Every American citizen will get the first two days of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament off to “do their taxes.” – Let’s be honest, you already have your taxes e-filed with H&R Block software, and with direct deposit you’ll have your return before Valentine’s Day (and thank God because the old lady has REALLY been riding your ass this year) but upper management doesn’t have to know this.

• The Presidential safe-haven known as “Camp David” will be relocated to Sarasota, Florida in February and March. – It will also be renamed “Reds’ Spring Training.”

• All state-side National Hockey League teams will be relocated to Canada.  Permanently. - If I could have ever followed that damn puck on television, the NHL might have stood more of a chance.  Sorry guys, but it’s nothing personal.

• All East-coast ESPN offices will be relocated to the West Coast.  Permanently. -  We’re all tired of hearing about the New England Patriots, the Duke Blue Devils, and Big Ten football.  Sorry guys, but it’s likely personal.

• Congress will be comprised of the winning teams of the World Series, the Super Bowl, and the NBA Finals, along with the winners of the Master’s Tournament, the Indianapolis 500, the Daytona 500, and the Kentucky Derby — the horse, not the jockey. – These athletes are likely more recognizable than anyone ACTUALLY in Congress now and most of them could probably make better decisions as well — the horse included.

• September 2nd will be a National Day of Remembrance. – It’s Adolph Rupp’s birthday.  It’s the least you can do.

• Instead of “Carbon Offsets” for corporations there will be “Dick Vitale Offsets.” – And ESPN will have to buy a whole hell of a lot of them if they ever want to hear Dickie V. talk again.

• And finally: Ric Flair will be my Vice President, Billy Gillispie will be my Chief of Staff, Pete Rose will be my Secretary of the Treasury, Ken Griffey Junior will be my Secretary of Defense, Rich Brooks will be my director of F.E.M.A. (for rebuilding), Chad Johnson will be my Press Secretary, and Erin Andrews will be my First Lady. - Need I say more?