SEC Rankings – Week 9

So after another long week here in the Volunteer State, except here in West Tennessee where the University of Memphis beat a punch-less Southern Miss team and lost another quarterback, I am back to present to you the SEC Power Rankings for the week of October 26th.

1. Alabama (No sign of collapse in Tide Nation, but the LSU game is still looming for Saban’s boys.)

2. Florida (During the basketball season, Vanderbilt handed the Wildcats their worst SEC loss ever. Eight months later, the Gators put a similar stomping on Kentucky and is now trying to make their case for Atlanta on Saturday when they face Georgia in Jacksonville.)

3. Georgia (If those two girls in that picture had played for LSU last weekend, do you think Georgia would have gotten out of Death Valley alive? Judging from that picture, probably not.)

4. South Carolina (According to our friends at Gate21.com, who also run a SEC Power Ranking column, the Gamecocks are 5th heading into tomorrow’s game against Tennessee. With LSU losing like they did against Georgia and the possibility that the Gamecocks could play themselves into the SEC East race if they win against the Vols, 4th is a safe ranking for the time being.)

5. LSU (At least they have the Alabama game to look forward to.)

6. Kentucky (One more win and Matt’s boys will be Bowl-eligible. Thankfully, one of those wins could come this weekend when they face Mississippi State and those annoying-ass cowbells.)

7. Ole Miss (Where would this bunch be today if Coach “O” was roaming the sidelines?)

8. Vanderbilt (I wonder if my old friend Kasi can rub her belly for a sixth win for the ‘Dores. Heck, it worked in 2006.)

9. Auburn (The Tigers made a visit to my friends at the Interstate Blood Bank on North Cleveland Street to get some offensive help. Let’s see can they salvage the season with their new-found offense.)

10. Arkansas (We beat LSU last season because of you, Coach Nutt!!!! Now we get embarrassed because of Bobby P.)

11. Tennessee (This just in, Crichton SGA President Quitta Williams has been named head coach of the Volunteers. Only qualification is that her former neighbor is a former classmate of current Vol Ellix Wilson.)

12. Mississippi State (No comment, please.)

My time is up. If you’re in the Memphis area, come see me perform at Republic Coffee located at 2924 Walnut Grove Road in the Binghampton neighborhood every Tuesday night.

Quest For Perfection

The “Mike Brown Urinal Target” coming to a Greater Cincinnati truck stop near you!

The Cincinnati Bungles (henceforth they are to be known only as the “Cincinnati Bungles” until further notice) maintained their quest for perfection on Sunday falling to the Houston Texans 35-6 and in doing so appeared to be, quite possibly, the worst football team in the history of teams. Now the Bungles being shitty is not a new phenomenon — obviously — and at the core of the problem is an 18 year long festering boil that needed to be lanced a long time ago in the form of the tenure of Mike Brown.

Now I’ve thought long and hard on how to verbalize the central issue plaguing the Cincinnati Bungles and how I am relatively sure that it is an unsolvable problem outside of the commissioner of the NFL, Der Fuhrer Goodell, stepping in at some point on the grounds of competitive balance and/or obligation to the fans of Cincinnati.

In the past I have targeted many topics as the basis for the Bungles’ weaknesses:

• The Bungles’ failed NFL draft shenanigans: A Walk Down Memory Lane, April 17, 2007
• Cincinnati’s incomparable number of legal issues: Cincinnati Criminals, May 23, 2007
• And even their front office frugality: Striving For Mediocrity, January 13, 2008

What I have come to realize is that the issue cannot be narrowed down to one particular culprit and the problem is, however, very deeply rooted in the culture of the organization starting at the very top and reaching deep in to the annals of Paul Brown Stadium.

However, on the surface the problem can be best described by a three-pronged explanation:

1. Front Office Failure: Cincinnati is one of (I believe) only three teams that operates without a general manager (and thus the owner is the de facto GM) — with the other two teams being the Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders — and it is clear that owner Mike Brown knows little-to-nothing about evaluating football talent. If Mr. Brown was a football genius or he was willing to constantly throw as much money in to the team as needed to field a winner, I would have no problem with this. Obviously, however, neither are the case when it comes to Cincinnati. The Bungles also employ the lowest number of scouts and executives of any team in the NFL.
2. Keeping It In The Family: Nepotism is certainly not something that Mike Brown can deny since some of his top executives consist of his brother Pete, daughter Katie (Blackburn), son-in-law Troy Blackburn, and son Paul. The rest of the organization is comprised mainly of a host of characters that have befriended Mikey along the way and thus have found themselves in good favor with the organization. The culture will never change if the most important personnel’s ideology never changes and instead only continues to proliferate within the same family.
3. Bungalization: This may be the hardest to explain but also may be the most detrimental issue at the same time. If it ever appears that there is some sort of curse on the Bungles that is because there is…kind of. I call it the “Bungalization” of players. This means, simply, that either consciously or subconsciously players on the Bungles have bought in to the historical deficiencies of the franchise, as well as their inability to win and win often while in Cincinnati. This effect then shows in the on-field performances without anybody fully realizing that these players are not playing to what their full potential might be with another team, thus giving off the appearance that the Bungles are “cursed.” It is the reciprocal to the reason that the New England Patriots can get more out of an aging player when other teams have left their career for dead. Bungalization then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and a self-perpetuating problem in a never ending vicious cycle.

Taking all issues in to account, the three-pronged explanation is the best attempt at condensing the Bungles woes in to three paragraphs but it still doesn’t operationalize everything that is wrong with the franchise. I don’t think that I have failed to fully explain myself but I do believe that a video circling YouTube (and courtesy of The Meaningful Collateral) better explains the subject in a manner that is easier to visualize:

This is the best description of what is ailing this franchise and it comes in the form of a brilliant four minute video. Things may or may not change in Cincinnati with another failed season, unfortunately more likely the latter, but perpetual hope that something will be done to turn things around is the lone driving force that keeps me coming back each season.

But for the time being at least we can see exactly why the current Cincinnati Bungles are on their quest for perfection this season.

What Penn State Means To The Big 10

The game that occurred Saturday night between the two juggernauts of the Big 10 was football the way it was meant to be played…in the 1930’s. Even with 280+ (pfft!) yards of total offense from both sides the only trip the endzone was a 1 yard run by Penn State’s sophomore backup QB Pat Devlin with 6:25 left in the fourth quarter. But the victory was secured and Penn State’s national title hopes are alive. But what does this mean in the grand scheme of the national title hunt, and by proximity, the perception of the Big 10?

Both of the teams ranked ahead of Penn State (#1Texas, Big 12 & #2 Alabama, SEC) are facing tough weeks against ranked opponents and, beyond that, a conference championship if they can get there. The likelihood that one of them will lose over the course of that time is far greater than State, thus putting the Fighting Paterno’s in a position to slide into the National Championship game while having rested since November 22^nd. Aside from the extra prep time, it will give them more opportunities to scout the potential competition and will possibly give them the winning edge.

But who are we kidding? Every time a Big 10 team gets to the National Championship they get cut down like baby mice under a lawnmower. Not that I haven’t enjoyed seeing Ohio State get crushed the last two years (I enjoy it a little more when that happens, I think), but it is time the Big 10 sends another challenger forward to try to capture the crystal oblong. But do the Lions of Nittany have anything to offer that could improve their odds of bringing the ‘W’ home?

For the last several years, OSU has put forward a team of similar blueprint: talented but largely overrated quarterback with a huge arm, one solid receiver and one solid tailback, all cushioned by a generally effective defense. Then they get to the National Championship game against a team of NFL prospects who have cut their teeth on quality teams throughout conference play. You know how the rest of it goes (And how sweet it is!). But we can only hope in the mythical world where one of the top two teams lose late and Penn State holds out against the Michigan State Javon Ringers, that State can bring at least something resembling a game to the table. With three receivers in the neighborhood of 30 catches and a QB that is 3^rd on the team in rush attempts, you have to admit that the blueprint is very different and should pose more of a problem for defenses of either conference. Even a competitive game could prove to a national audience that the Big 10 can produce something besides the crap cake that it has made itself appear to be.

A Friend Of The Site Is Joining The Site

Exciting news for me is a long-time friend of mine and a long-time friend of the site will be joining us with his insights. This comes at a perfect time with the college and NFL football seasons in full force, college basketball season just around the corner, and my conscientious effort to return to blogging.  You will know him as ZRO and he’s as much of an avid Kentucky Wildcats as I am so now there’s not one, but two of us.  You’ve been warned.  Other items of interest for my man ZRO are lacrosse, MILFs, late-night walks on white, sandy beaches, and beer — so he’ll fit right in around here.

ZRO has a lot on his mind and I am confident that you will not only enjoy what he has to say but find that his thoughts incite a high-quality level of discussion and debate.  ZRO’s first post will drop in the very near future so look forward to that and get excited about what is to come.  If you can’t get excited about what is going on around here these days you may want to check your pulse (or maybe even consider Viagra).

Mike Hamilton, Please End The Nightmare

Dear Mike Hamilton,

I am writing this letter as a disgruntled sports fan, foremost a Tennessean.

For 17 years, Coach Phil Fulmer has patrolled the sidelines at Neyland Stadium and whether you like him or not, has coached the Volunteers to two overall SEC Championships, five outright SEC East Division Championships, and most importantly, a National Championship in 1998.

He’s coached players like Peyton Manning, Peerless Price, Robert Meachem, Casey Clausen, Erik Ainge, Tee Martin, Gerald Riggs, Ellix Wilson (I went to grade school with him), Cedric Wilson, Al Wilson, Todd Helton, and countless others to bowl games as well as burgeoning NFL careers.

But in the high-stakes world of college football in 2008, I, along with the numerous friends I know that are Vol fans, believe that you, Mike Hamilton, as athletic director of the state’s flagship school can end this nightmare by getting rid of Fat Boy Fulmer.

Look at the facts. The Vols, in the ten years since that glorious season when it seemed as if they could do no wrong, has been stagnant in their success.

Since 1998, the Volunteers have gone to three SEC Championship Games and lost them all, most notably the 2001 SEC title game in which the Volunteers were heavily favored and lost to an upstart LSU team that was then coached by Nick Saban.

So in one night, Mr. Hamilton, the Vols went from BCS contenders to the 2002 Citrus Bowl, where they would beat Michigan 45-17.

Then you have the 2005 season in which the Vols would go from #3 to not being mentioned at all, capped by a loss to Vanderbilt — a team that, as I write this, is one win away from being bowl eligible this year — behind the arm of then quarterback Jay Cutler at Neyland Stadium.

It’s one thing to lose big to Alabama on the same night that your university honors the 1998 National Championship team, but on a crisp and clear November day three years ago how could your coach lose at home to a school that is more focused on producing scientists than football talent?

Answer that, Mr. Hamilton.

From what I understand, your former employer Clemson University, a school steeped in football tradition got rid of Tommy Bowden this season after going 17 years without an ACC Championship.

Certainly (and this comes from a guy who may or may not told Lloyd Carr that the game was passing him by on this same blog last football season) you can read this letter and do us Tennesseans all a big favor by ending what has been a nightmarish season in Knoxville and across the state.

From what my experts tell me, Dyersburg native Bradley Greer might be your best choice for head coach.

At least he knows how to motivate.

Yours for minimum wage and beer,

SGA Senator Doc Hancock

Charlie Hustle’s Question Of The Day

Ed.’s Note: This gem was left on my desktop by the legendary Charlie Hustle…

What was the biggest reason for Sunday’s 35-6 loss at houston?

A) Marvin is an Exstacy addict and always seems too happy.

B) Mike Brown is secretly down $10 million to his bookie.

C) Ryan Fitzpatrick is Akili Smith in white face.

D) Paul Brown’s ghost hates black coaches.

Bone To Pick

I have a bone to pick and I am going to talk about it right now.

You see, I have been in many debates regarding the best college football conference in America (I say it is the Big 12 right now, contrary to what many might guess when they think of me).  Now I need to note that I have been in these arguments against my own will because I am the type of guy that doesn’t give a shit.  I worry about Kentucky (and whatever is best for Kentucky) and that is about it.  I don’t have an opinion about much of anything else in life, especially the Big Ten conference (hell, I am not even a voter….*gasp*).

Regardless, there are people in my life who are Ohio State fans and thus they are Big Ten fans (aren’t there eleven teams in that conference?) who insist on debating with me on the best college football conference in America, the Big Ten or the SEC…(even though I don’t want to debate and I still say the Big 12 right now), as well as arguing the general shaft Ohio State apparently gets in the media, the rankings, etcetera.

The first argument I have heard is that with Beanie Wells, the Ohio State versus Southern California game would’ve been a whole different game (apparently one that wasn’t a blowout).  Well you know what, with last years offense, this year’s Kentucky defense would be undefeated.  Unfortunately Woodson and Company aren’t here anymore and that is just part of the game; a team has to adapt to what they do and don’t have.  Excuses are like assholes, everyone has got one but they all stink.

The second argument I have heard came two weeks ago when the new college football rankings came out and Texas Tech was ranked higher than an Ohio State team that had been recently embarrassed by USC this season…and LSU a year ago…and, oh yeah, Florida two years ago.  A certain friend of mine could not believe that Texas Tech was ranked higher than Ohio State.  Why did he/she feel this way?  Because he/she applied the same type of stereotype to Texas Tech (that they aren’t a historically good team) that most top 25 poll voters apply to their entire voting repertoire: if you were good 20 years ago, you’re good now and if you’re not a member of the college football elite, you don’t stand a chance.

Oh, by the way, Texas Tech beat #23 Kansas 63-21 today…

The third argument isn’t so much as an argument as it is just me ranting.  Watch this week’s Georgia versus LSU game and then watch this week’s Penn State versus Ohio State game and get a real grasp on the snooze fest that Big Ten football presents.  3-3 at Halftime?  Come. On.

To me, Ohio State fans are like the annoying WWE superstar who won’t admit defeat even when he loses a cage match to The Undertaker for the championship at WrestleMania.  They’re a “never-say-die” species no matter what the outcome is.  And yes, I agree, there is something to be said about perpetual support but there is also a fine line between what is realistic and what is simply annoying as all hell.

It may just be me but I have a strong desire for humility in all aspects of life and it often seems to me that Ohio State fans (and many other teams’ fans — I am looking at you, Kentucky basketball fanatics) not only lack the modesty that is required to be successful in college football but they also expect to be represented highly by the rankings, regardless of what happens on the field.

I realize that I am more pessimistic about my teams than most people are; however, what can you expect from a guy who has dealt with the futility of Kentucky football and the Cincinnati Reds as well as the obsurdity of the Cincinnati Bengals?

All that it takes to be a tolerable fan is to have some self-awareness about your team as well as legitimate expectations regarding results, rankings, and the media.

Except for the Bengals, they don’t deserve the time of day.

Someone Forgot To Tell Kentucky They Had A Game Today

Discuss this article now over at ACC vs. SEC!: Someone Forgot To Tell Kentucky They Had A Game Today

The last time the University of Kentucky Wildcats were ran out of a football stadium it was a 49-0 loss on the road to LSU during the 2006 season.  At that moment the Cats were 3-4 and at an impasse, if you will, on the season, forced to dig deep in order to recover.  The rest, as they say, is history.

Kentucky decided to finish strong, going 5-1 in their remaining six gamest including a victory over Clemson in the Music City Bowl, the Wildcats’ first Bowl game in seven years (at the time) and first Bowl victory since 1984.

Fast forward to 2008.  After an electrifying, albeit very late, 13 point comeback in the final five minutes of last week’s game against Arkansas, the Cats looked poised to turn their season around with quarterback Mike Hartline’s new found confidence — he did, after all, earn an ESPN helmet sticker for his two touchdown passes in the final four minutes against the Razorbacks.

Today, Kentucky took their 5-2 squad and 7th ranked scoring defense in to The Swamp to take on the mighty Florida Gators team that hung 51 points on the road against the same school that last dismantled my Wildcats.  The problem is someone forgot to tell Kentucky they had a game today.

Florida scored 28 points in the first 12 minutes of the game — including two one-play touchdown drives on the heels of back-to-back blocked punts of Kentucky’s Tim Masthay.  Trust me, it didn’t get any prettier after that.  Add another blocked kick in the form of a Lones Seiber field goal attempt to go along with a Mike Hartline interception returned for a touchdown to start the Second Half and you have yourself the ingredients for a world class blowout.

Throw in some other random plays that were probably poorly defended (sorry for the lack of detail but I just couldn’t bear to watch) and you have a final score of 63-5 with a special thanks going to Florida punter Chas Henry for the botched punt that nearly doubled our score with a safety late in the 4th Quarter.  We needed all the help we could get.

After today’s embarrassing loss — coming two years to the month after the aforementioned spanking at the hands of LSU — many fans may be asking: where do we go from here?

Contrary to what some my expect, I am going to leave the crucifying to another blogger and go out on a limb and say that rest assured, Kentucky can still go up;  the wheels haven’t fallen off just yet.  Coach Brooks still has this team in a much better position now than it was when he inherited it in 2003 and anyone who disagrees can look directly at the recruiting classes between 2002 and 2009 (not to mention those two Music City Bowl victories he has lying around).

According to Scout.com, the 2002 recruiting class for the University of Kentucky contained 1 4-star, 1 3-star, and 17 1-star recruits.  In contrast, Brooks’ current class of 2009 high school graduates is comprised of 1 5-star, 1 4-star, 11 3-stars, 5 2-stars recruits, and only 1 1-star recruit, good enough for the 23rd best recruiting class in the Nation.

Unfortunately some reading this will say that the 2009 class cannot help us now and they’d be 100% correct.  But this blogger is not giving up on what the Wildcats still have on the field this year, understanding that there is a lot of talent that is no longer on the field thanks to injuries — most notably ones of the season-ending variety to super play makers Dicky Lyons, Jr. and Derrick Locke.

Kentucky is just a mere win away from being Bowl eligible for the third straight year and if the Wildcats can manage to squeak in to post-season play this season, it will be the first time since the Paul “Bear” Bryant era of the 1950s that this team has gone to three straight Bowl games, adding to the history the Rich Brooks-led Wildcats have already made.

At the end of the day Big Blue Nation never expected to beat Florida today, let alone win the National Championship this year, but what fans of Kentucky did expect is another Bowl appearance and another Bowl victory and both are still well within reach and that is what is most important, especially for recruiting.

Nevermind today’s loss; what is done is done and fans need to quickly move on because a loss by 58 and a loss by less than 8 are both still losses.  As embarrassed as I am by today’s performance, as many Big Blue fans are, we must implore the team to press on and come home from Starkville with a victory next week, setting the table for a three game stretch that includes Georgia and Tennessee with (hopefully) Bowl eligibility already in hand.

Despite the fact that the first exhibition basketball game is just 12 days from today, I urge the Wildcat faithful to not look towards basketball season too quickly.  Granted someone forgot to tell Kentucky they had a game today but I am confident that it won’t happen again.

Not, at least, with what is on the line for the Cats over the next four games: making history.

Bengal Astrology Points To Cincy Upset

Yes, I realize just 24 hours ago I wrote off the Bengals and left them for dead.  Literally.  And no, I am not going back on my word — I really do think that Cincinnati has solidified their future of futility.  However, the “Who Dey Horoscopes” are projecting a Bengals victory, for what it’s worth.

The last time the Bengals started 0-7 was during the 2002 campaign. Cincy’s eighth game?  A November 3rd outing against the Houston Texans in the Lone Star State.  The result?  A 38-3 orange and black victory.

Obviously I don’t expect this apparently anemic offense to hang 38 points on Houston while holding them to just a field goal tomorrow in Reliant Stadium.  Mind you, the 2002 Texans were still a hapless expansion franchise and while they haven’t turned the corner much since then, Matt Schaub and Company are a better team now than they were then.  However, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the coincidence is rather remarkable and at 2-4, the Texans are still not that much better of a team than the Bengals.

The last time quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick played an NFL game in Houston — or a game against the Texans for that matter — was during the 2005 season as a member of the Saint Louis Rams.  The result?  A 33-27 come-from-behind victory in which Fitzy replaced an injured Jamie Martin early in the game and proceeded to go 19-30 for 310 yards and three touchdowns.

The Texans are ranked 17th in passing giving up 216.8 yards per game and nine total touchdowns on the season.  This neither lends itself to a particularly poor or particularly strong performance for the Bengals’ signal caller but with what should be more time in the pocket, Fitzpatrick is poised to post some of the best numbers of he and the Bengals’ slow start.  Cincinnati showed signs of taking down-field shots last week against Pittsburgh and with yet another week of practice as the starter for Fitzpatrick and a defense far less impressive than that of the Steelers, look for this trend to continue (deep passes are the easy part, it remains to be seen when and if they’ll begin to complete them).

The last time running back Cedric Benson was in the state of Texas he was a member of the University of Texas Longhorns.  The result?  5,577 career rushing yards and 64 touchdowns in four seasons and a 4th overall selection of 2005 NFL Draft.

Houston is ranked 22nd in rushing defense giving up 122 yards per game and 11 total touchdowns on the season including at least one rushing score in every game.  If the Bengals’ deficient offensive line can put together an inspired performance this week, Benson and the Cincinnati rushing attack (I’m using the word “attack” loosely) may finally put together a complete game despite being a unit ranked 31st (out of 32 teams) in total rushing offense at 73.9 yards per game.

The late line this week has the Houston Texans as a 9.5 favorites over the Cincinnati Bengals, which comes as no surprise to many with the way The Queen City’s boys have played thus far.  Being favored, however, is still relatively new territory for the Texans — especially this season with their only wins coming against the Miami Dolphins and the also-win less Detroit Lions.

Being new at being favored and playing a team that doesn’t appear to be a winner even at the college level leaves Houston primed for an upset on their home turf.  All of the stars are aligned for the Bengals to notch their first victory in the 2008 calendar year, despite the spread, because as the old adage goes, even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while.

(But if the Bengals lose, we can forget I ever said any of this.)

The Obituary

BENGALS, Cincinnati. The Bengals, 40, passed away late Sunday night, October 19th, at their home in Paul Brown Stadium in Ohio. The Bengals were preceded in death by patriarch Paul Brown (I), of Ohio, as well as by The Houston Oilers and Anna Nicole Smith, both of Texas. The Bengals fathered one, lone Hall-of-Famer, Anthony Muñoz, 50, of California and were also survived by their owner Mike Brown, 71, of Ohio, along with Katie (Brown) Blackburn, Troy Blackburn, and Paul Brown (II), all also of Ohio, as well as a handful of remaining fans. The Bengals died from a long bout of Internal Cancer despite intermittent years of remission (‘73, ‘75, ‘76, ‘81, ‘86, ‘88, ‘90, & ‘05) in which they could never quite fully recover. More recently the Bengals acquired additional ailments of Dave Shula, David Klingler, diabetes, Bruce Coslet, Akili Smith, and multiple marijuana possessions that only added to the pain and suffering of their final years on this mortal Earth. Unfortunately for The Bengals, their Internal Cancer came at a time in history when their closest management was unable (or unwilling) to spend the money needed to afford the knowledge and know-how to permanently cure their conditions. Tragically, The Bengals finally left us after succumbing to a three-and-a-half hour battle to the viral Pittsburgh Steelers late Sunday afternoon. Public visitations will be held at their home in Paul Brown Stadium on November 2nd, November 16th, November 30th, December 14th, and December 28th. Final interment will be on the grounds of their property in Ohio and assisting with the formal funeral services as Paul Bearers will be The Jacksonville Jaguars, The Philadelphia Eagles, The Baltimore Ravens, The Washington Redskins, The Kansas City Chiefs, and Bill Cowher. In lieu of flowers, the closest survivors of the departed are asking that donations be made in memory of The Bengals to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, so that one day all terminally ill football teams can experience their dream of a Super Bowl ring, or to the “Mike Brown Sucks Campaign” found here: MikeBrownSucks.com. The Cincinnati Bengals were loved by some, envied by a few, and better than none. R.I.P., 2008.

SEC Rankings – Birthday Week

After two weeks away from the rankings due to a death in the family and with the season once again starting up in North Highland Park, I am back to present — with the help of new Lara Croft model Alison Carroll — the SEC power rankings for the week of October 19th.

1. Alabama (Relax, the Tide has learned their lessons from last year’s free-fall. Time to take care of business against the Vols.)

2. Florida (After thrashing LSU on October 11th, the Gators have Matt’s Wildcats heading to the Swamp. Of course this would mean another outstanding performance by Tebow.)

3. LSU (Apparently, the grace of Grace Walker saved the Bayou Bengals from losing to the Gamecocks. Not to mention a former Kentucky football player that is now a referee.)

4. Georgia (Tough road trip comes for Dawgs as they take on LSU in Death Valley.)

5. Vanderbilt (Still looking for that sixth win. It might come this Saturday.)

6. South Carolina (What team loses a game in which a referee makes a hit on your quarterback?)

7. Auburn (The Interstate Blood Bank on North Cleveland Street can help you with your anemic-ass offense.)

8. Ole Miss (Another valiant effort came up short against the Tide last Saturday. Now Coach Nutt heads back to Fayetteville for a “heartwarming” reunion.)

9. Kentucky (Can their defense stop the Gators and crush the Heisman hopes of Tim Tebow?)

10. Tennessee (For Vol fans who read this blog, the first basketball game is November 15th against Chattanooga.)

11. Arkansas (Men, your former coach is coming back to Fayetteville, what do you do?)

12. Mississippi State (For State fans who read this blog, the first basketball game is November 15th against Centenary.)

My time’s up. If you’re in the Memphis area, come see me perform every Tuesday night at Republic Coffee, 2924 Walnut Grove Road near the Central Library.